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Breathe in and out. Focus. What color is the wall?
It takes several minutes of deep breathing and using every tool at my disposal to ease the attack. Luckily, I shoved a tiny pill holder in the pocket of my hoodie before I left the house. It contains two anti-anxiety pills. Pulling it out, I take one of them, leaning over the sink, chanting to myself that everything will be okay.
My hoodie sticks to my sweat soaked back when I straighten, staring at myself in the mirror. Feelings of inadequacy and despair wash over me.
I hate what Orpheus did to me. Although the violation of my body did damage, it’s the damage to my psychological state that impacts me the most. I’m haunted by the rape at night, and random things trigger flashbacks during the day.
He violated Mackenzie, too. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I look at the time.The period ends in fifteen minutes, and I can see her again.Impatiently fidgeting with my phone, wishing I could make time speed up, I go to my camera roll and pull up a picture I’d taken last week of Mackenzie in the tree house.
God, she’s so damn beautiful.Her radiant soul shines from her eyes and smile, blanketing me in light, pushing back the darkness that crowds my insides and fills my mind. She’s a goddess, an angel in human form. And the love for me that shines in her eyes warms my battered heart, piecing it back together.
Best of all, she’s mine. All mine.
When I look at the time again, I have three minutes to get back to my classroom, gather my backpack and get to her.
As I push through the door, a smile tugs up my lips.I only need two minutes to get to her.
66
CHASE
“How was school, Chase? You were there two days, right?” Dr. Liam Lawson leans forward in his chair, his hands clasped together. He studies me intently, a frown settling between his drawn brows, turning down his lips.
I shrug. “When I’m around Jeff, one of my track teammates and someone I’d call a friend, or Mackenzie, things are good. I’m relaxed and can breathe again. But when they aren’t around, things are… hard.” I fidget with a loose string on the sleeve of my shirt. “I’m still unsure if Kenz and I returning to school was the best idea. I know we need to move forward, but the students want to keep badgering us with questions and spreading gossip. I’ve even had two teachers pull me aside before class and ask me if the stories in the newspaper were true.”
Dr. Lawson’s eyebrows raise. “Is there anyone there you trust to talk to, like a guidance counselor? Did the teachers that asked you those questions remind you the school has professionals you can talk to you if you need them?”
I shake my head, heaving out a mournful sigh. “It seemed more a curiosity thing. I got the impression they wanted gossip to take back to the teacher’s lounge.”
Dr. Lawson sighs. “I’m sorry, Chase. As adults and professionals, they should know better. I’m appalled at their behavior.” He makes a note on the notepad in his lap before continuing. “Have you had any more nightmares?”
I nod, fidgeting on the couch. Blowing out a breath, turmoil races through me when I tell him about the one I had the night before school started. “I figured going back to school triggered it because my life was changing. The once familiar walls of the school and everything inside it feels foreign now.”
“Very astute. You’re exactly right. Situations out of your control likely sparked that nightmare. Just like what happened to you in that exam room, returning to school would spur those same feelings of loss of control.” He pauses for a few beats, tapping his chin with his pen. “Did the Collins explore the possibility of cyber school for you and Mackenzie?”
A dry, humorless laugh escapes me. “Mike did. He showed us some on his computer in his office and talked with us about the pros and cons. Pearl came in a few moments later and flipped out, insisting that cyber school wouldnotbe good for our recovery and that we needed to be around our peers.” I lean back in the chair, running a hand through my hair. “She caught me and Kenz in her bedroom. We weren’t doing anything other than talking, but I had pulled Kenz on top of me and her mom walked in a few seconds later. She flipped out about it.”
He stares at me for a few minutes, analyzing me. It makes me uncomfortable. Tugging on the neck of my sweatshirt, I pull it away from my skin, before releasing it.
“Tell me what happened. Why did she react that way? You and Mackenzie are eighteen. I understand it’s complicated because you’re her foster brother but… technically, you aren’t related.”
I explain the entire, complicated situation, starting with the first day I woke up in the hospital and Pearl was my nurse and ending with the present circumstances.
“Wow.” Liam sets his notepad on the table beside him and leans back in the chair, studying me. “Mackenzie has been fighting for the two of you.”
I nod, rubbing over the knuckles on one hand. “I’ve tried not to push back against Pearl after my talk with Mike. But I really have to bite my tongue some days.” I heave out a long sigh, resting my head against the cushion and staring at the ceiling. “I love Mackenzie with every fiber of my being. This is going to sound awful, but there are days I wish we were captives in the attic again, just so I could be with her. Holding her in my arms while I slept. Protecting her… at least, as much as I was able.”
“Chase. I get it. Being with her like that, spending so much time together, brought the two of you even closer. Now, you’re not only forced to be apart from her more, but to hide your feelings for one another. I imagine you have to do it at school as well?”
Leaning my head forward, I nod. “Unfortunately. Mackenzie’s former bitchy friends and two guys who want her started rumors that she and I have an incestuous relationship. The assholes even went so far as to say I kidnapped her with the cult leader and we both assaulted her.” My hand curls into a fist, the rage pounding through my temples.
“That’s awful. And untrue. You do not have an incestuous relationship. Sure, it’s complicated because the Collins are fostering you. But if they weren’t, you’d be like any other guy she’s interested in.”
My imagination runs wild. I picture living somewhere else and picking Mackenzie up to take her to school. Holding hands in the hallway, going on dates, snuggling on the couch watching movies.God, it sounds like fucking heaven.
But not being across the hall from her every night to wake her from a nightmare or vice versa sounds like hell on earth. Even when she’s peacefully sleeping, I’m able to sneak into her room and watch her sleep after I use the restroom or creep downstairs for a drink. There’s also been plenty of sexy times where we both ended up in the kitchen for a drink and snuck downstairs to the home gym and ended up making out and having sex on the weight bench. Or the yoga mats.
I fidget on the couch, contemplating.I’m eighteen. I could move out, and maybe Pearl would see me differently. Maybe she would “allow” me to date Mackenzie.
