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I mull over his words, nodding. What else can he do but try?
As for me, the thought of being without Mackenzie nearly kills me. But his words about the upcoming holiday are like a knife through my chest. I know damn well how awful it feels to not have your family at Christmas.
My eyes popped open, my breath visible inside the cold, drafty mobile home. I turn my head to the window, my brain registering the snow on the windows. Normally, I’d be elated. I love snow, especially on Christmas. The last Christmas before my mom got sick, it snowed, making the holiday more festive. We opened gifts beneath the bright lights of the tree, ate pancakes and sausage, then bundled up and headed outside, where the four of us—my mom, dad, Elsie, and me—built a snowman, which escalated into a snowball fight. Laughing until our bellies ached, my mom insisted we go inside and warm up with some hot chocolate, followed by a big lunch before we headed back outside to go sledding down the hill of our backyard. It was magical.
Now, Elsie and I live here, perpetually hungry and freezing in the winter while burning up in the summer. It’s hard to believe we once lived in a comfortable, safe home with loving parents. It feels like a distant memory. Almost as though it were a dream.
I have no idea if my father ever came home last night or if he bothered getting a couple of presents I begged him to get for Elsie. Sadly, all of them are practical gifts that she needs, and not one thing I asked him to get her is anything like what her peers will be getting for Christmas.
A long sigh escapes me. I scrimped and saved every bit of lunch money I could get my hands on, going hungry most days to have enough to get her a present. If I found any change, I stopped and picked it up, despite the guilt nagging at me that it didn’t belong to me. But then I would picture Elsie’s face and my pride would fade away. The thought of her not having any presents beneath the tree killed me.
Let’s see if Dad remembered it was Christmas and got her anything. Throwing my tattered blanket back, I crawled out of bed, shivering even though I was wearing a sweatshirt, sweatpants, and socks. I crept out the door, silently creeping toward our small, darkened living room.
My mouth dropped open, and I felt like I was going to vomit. Our small tree lay on the floor, broken lights and ornaments scattered everywhere. I have no idea how the hell I slept through my father destroying our tree, but I obviously did.
Dropping to my knees, tears streamed down my face as I stared at a red shattered ornament that I helped Elsie make for our mom. She gave it to her before she died, knowing my mom wasn’t expected to make it until Christmas. My mom sobbed, holding the ornament against her chest as she made us promise we’d put it on the tree every year. Setting it back in the box, she held her arms out, and Elsie and I rushed forward, the three of us sobbing with our arms around one another. At that moment, the only thing I wanted in the world was one more Christmas with my mom. But I was a realist and knew I wasn’t going to get it.
“Chase?”
I jumped, so lost in my memories that I hadn’t heard Elsie come out of the bedroom.
“What happened?” I feel her beside me, so I get to my feet, frowning when I see her bare feet.
“Don’t move. I don’t want you stepping on anything and cutting your foot.”
Her sorrowful eyes meet mine. The tears welling in them spill over as her gaze cuts to the destroyed ornaments, lights, and tree, then back to mine, her chin quivering. “W-What did D-Dad do?”
I shake my head, her tears gutting me.Destroyed Christmas. But there’s no way in hell I can say that to her.
Instead, I shrug. “I’m sorry, Elsie.”
Her gaze cuts back to the mess on the floor, and I know the second she spots the ornament I helped her make for Mom, now scattered in broken pieces and shards on the floor. “Oh my God.” Her hands come up to her mouth, but the sob escapes before she can cover it. “He destroyed it.”
Anger and hatred well inside me. I’d like to ring his damn neck before beating the living hell out of him for doing this.
“But Mom… She said she’d always be with us if we hung her ornament on the tree.” She steps back, her hands lowering to twist around the hem of her sweatshirt. I can see her breath as she sobs, “Mom is gone now. S-She won’t be h-here celebrating Christmas with u-us anymore. He… H-He killed her a-again.”
“Elsie.” I grab her, pulling her against my chest. Tears roll down my cheeks as she sobs against my sweatshirt. I’ve never felt so damn helpless.
When her sobs finally stop, the anger takes over. Beating her small fists against my chest, her face is scarlet from her fury as she says, “Where is he? Where is Dad?” Jerking away from me, she marches over the broken ornaments. I reach for her, but she dodges me, yelping and wincing as she runs down the hallway to his bedroom. “Dad. Where are you?”
Pushing open his closed door, she draws to a stop so suddenly I crash into her back. Elsie doesn’t notice as she stares at his empty bedroom. “H-He’s not here. He d-destroyed Christmas and left.”
All the fight drains from her as she slides to the floor. I catch her before she hits, sliding beneath her so she doesn’t get hurt. I feel bad enough knowing she cut her feet on the broken ornaments, and I couldn’t prevent it.
“I’m so sorry, Elsie.” We’re sitting in the hallway on the shabby, shag carpet. I rest my chin on the top of her head, staring morosely at the ruined tree. There’s no sign of any presents, which makes me irate.I reminded him every time I saw him since early November and the asshole still couldn’t get his shit together to buy her a goddamn thing.
I hold her, rocking her in my arms like mom used to do, as she sobs. I feel like a fucking failure. I’m a teenage boy trying to raise my sister in these deplorable conditions. I’m woefully underprepared and underfunded to give her what she needs. And now it’s Christmas, and the only thing she has to open is the small box I have wrapped, hidden beneath my bed.
“I wish I could give you the type of Christmas our friends at school are having right now. Nice house, lots of presents, candy, and food, surrounded by their family members.”
Elsie hiccups, turning her tear-stained face to mine. “I just want my family back. The way it was two years ago.”
My heart breaks in half, exploding into a million pieces.I can’t give her any of that.
As I pull myself from my thoughts, the prickle of awareness on my neck causes me to turn my head. Mike and Brett sit there, silently staring at me.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I never heard Brett come back into the room.
