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CHAPTER 9
Ihad slept through the rest of Sunday entirely, and when I finally awoke, the next day's sun was rising. After a long shower and a fresh dress later, I felt surprisingly good. It's even better than good, more like downright energized. I spent all of Monday walking through our garden, picking flowers there, or continuing my embroidery.
My father had apparently not wondered about my absence the day before. At least he didn't mention it at breakfast or dinner. Chris didn't show up either, which was a pity since I wanted to discuss with them whether it wouldn’t be better to double the time of my so-called confession.
That one hour was too short to create a helpful workout and get beyond a warm-up.
I was secretly looking forward to the next meeting with my brother in St. John Cathedral and its underground tunnels. But being unable to share it with anyone was almost killing me. Loneliness. It could become a more incredible torture than any physical restraint.
After a silent dinner with my dad in the evening, I returned to my bedroom. As soon as I entered my little kingdom, the hand-sized black box on the dressing table caught my eye, its red silkbow standing out like a beacon in the otherwise rather colorless decoration.
Surprised, I looked around the room before hastily closing the door. Cautiously, I approached the gift. From whom could it be? Dad? No, my father hadn't given me anything in a long time. Besides, he was the kind of person who enjoyed watching the gift recipient's face while he unwrapped it. Chris, Jordy, and Rick were no different in that regard either. So that left only Alex. But when had he been here? And how had he gotten in? A glance at the windows assured me they were locked. Or had they been open, and he had closed them after climbing in? Maybe he was here and hiding.
Neither on the bed nor in the small sitting area next to the closet did I discover my fiancé.
“Alex?” I whispered as I ran into the adjoining bathroom. But I didn’t find him there either. Confused, I took the dark box from the little table.
Hesitantly, I opened the ribbon. The surface of the ribbon was beautifully smooth and soft. It had been so long since I had held such delicate fabric in my hands. Gently, I stroked my finger over the red. The wrapping of the gift alone was a true gift. I did not even want to think about what might be hidden inside. What if it contained a piece of jewelry? Wearing jewelry was considered blasphemous vanity and was forbidden. Father had hidden some of Mom's finest jewelry in a secret place in our house from the Knights of the Seals after her death and donated the rest to the church.
Without ever having asked him about it, I knew he regularly took these souvenirs out of their hiding place to look at them. He had loved my mother terribly like there was no tomorrow.
Once again, I turned my attention to the now rather inconspicuous package. My stomach tightened excitedly, and my fingers trembled slightly when I lifted the lid.
On a velvet cushion lay a silver amulet. A crescent moon, in the opening of which were three pillars, each ending in a point at the top. It was simple, elegant, and yet playful at the same time. Imperceptibly, a feeling of happiness rose in me and made me smile. It was no bigger than a coin, and I discovered tiny diamonds embedded in the crescent on closer inspection, giving it a sparkle in the light.
Impatiently, I took it out of the box. The chain on which the piece of jewelry hung was finely spun and also made of silver. I ran directly to the large standing mirror, in which I usually saw myself only gray and unhappy, and was surprised at the first moment. It was almost as if I was looking into a stranger's face. The smile still played around my lips, and an unknown glow enveloped my countenance. Was that the glitter of joy? Of happiness?
Without thinking further about it, I put the chain on. Its sparkle transferred to my eyes, which suddenly sparkled with liveliness.
In the past, it would have been just a gift, a kind gesture that I would have been happy about. But today, it meant the world to me.
I was not only moved by the fact that it was a beautiful pendant. It was without a doubt. But more important for me was the confirmation of the appreciation, anchored as a message in this gift. Someone took a significant risk to give me pleasure by giving me such a gift despite the existing prohibition.
It was sweet, frivolous, and romantic. Alex. Those words circumscribed Alex in the days when we painted the town red, played hide-and-seek in Central Park, and made crazy plans for the future; in a time before the Knights of the Seals.
Grinning, I clutched the amulet and the memories that flashed before my inner eye.
I was sure that this anonymous gift could only come from my fiancé. If he took such a significant risk for me, I couldn't help but reciprocate this fearlessness with no less courage and rebellion. It was in my blood and personality and needed only a tiny spark to make me all fire and flame.
I would wear the necklace. Under my clothes, close to my heart. The piece of jewelry had finally given me happiness and a genuine smile after a long time. I would guard it like a treasure.
The steeple clock from St. Patrick’s Cathedral on 5thAvenue has been chiming ten times. Dropping the hanger into the neckline of my dress, I walked back to the door of my room and quietly slid one of the armchairs under the handle. Then I got down on my knees beside my bed to slide halfway under its frame. Gently, I tapped the individual floorboards until I found the right one.
Hastily, I plucked a hairpin from my updo to lever up the floorboard at one end.
Only a faint glow from the light in the room fell on the inside of the rift, which now became visible. It was filled with secrets and other treasures the staff could never find. I lifted the delicate ring my mother had given me for my eighteenth birthday from its dusty hiding place. Without hesitation, I put it into the new black box and placed it under the floorboard, along with the red bow, which I carefully returned to its previous position. When I was satisfied that the gap could not be opened without tools, I crawled out under the bed and stroked my dress. Of course, I also immediately pushed the armchair in front of the door back into place.
After that, I devoted myself to my usual evening ritual. With the difference, I found myself humming to myself. What had gotten into me?
Half an hour later, I still hadn't taken off the necklace when I lay in my bed. Lost in thought, I played with the pendant, letting it circle in my hand.
My eyelids grew heavier and heavier before I could think further about this unexpected gift.
I fell into a deep sleep. The dream that accompanied me was like a warm blanket that gave me security. At the same time, I was in absolute darkness. I couldn't recognize anything around me—nothing but a blackness and emptiness that gave me comfort. Here, I could be who I really was with all my wishes, dreams, and feelings.
It was as if,since that night, as soon as sleep caught up with me, my soul escaped into this unreal world. Then, in the morning, I awoke with the amulet in my closed hand and the feeling in my heart to create a new day, no matter what awaited me. This dark retreat in my dreams gave me strength inexplicably and mysteriously.
Two days later, I sat expectantly at the breakfast table. Today, I would go to the so-called confession again. Excitedly, I slid back and forth on my chair. When would I finally be allowed to go to St. John Cathedral? Even though I was uncomfortable with the thought of another car ride with Thomas, the urge to get out of there to train in the underground tunnels won out.
