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I swallowed thickly and bolstered all my courage to get the words out. “Levi spent his last seconds on earth thinking of you and the kids.” My voice cracked, and my throat was tight, as if a ball was lodged there. “He asked me, pleaded with me, to tell you all that he loved you.”
A single tear ran down her cheek, but I fought the urge to wrap her in my arms. Comfort from me wasn’t what sheneeded right now. I’d never seen this beautiful, strong woman cry, and I hated that I was causing her tears.
But if I did one thing right in this life, it would be fulfilling the promise I’d made to Levi. I’d make sure they knew he thought of all of them before he passed.
Once I was in the truck, I stared at the two rocking chairs on the porch. The last time I’d done this, I’d imagined Levi and Tina sitting side by side, and I’d reminded myself that this was not my family. Now I wanted that to be anything but true. I wanted to be here with them.
As I drove away, the full weight of Levi’s final thoughts hit me. I rubbed at the ache in my chest. The pain of not being able to say goodbye to Tina and the kids was raw, all-consuming.
Maybe this wasn’t exactly how Levi felt. Maybe the situation was different. Maybe I wasn’t leaving this world for good. But damn, did it feel that way as I put more and more distance between me and her house.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
TINA
Emily had texted twiceon Monday night after Kyle left, but my kids were around, so I couldn’t call her. I tripped over my words, making up an excuse about why Kyle wasn’t coming over when the kids asked. I’d ended up telling them he was getting ready for his move to New York.
I took another sip of my margarita and snagged another chip from the pile of nachos sitting between Sarah and me. After I’d spaced out a few too many times and, according to Sarah, wasn’t my sickeningly cheerful self, she demanded we go out. So we’d left all three kids with Lilly and headed out formargaritas.
Even though I agreed to go out, I didn’t want to be here, and that made me feel like a shitty friend. Sarah probably needed this just as much as I did. I could see the lines of exhaustion etched on her face, and maybe some worry too.
“Everything okay?” I asked after our waiter took our orders.
She shook her head. “Nope. We’re talking about you, not me.”
I looked away. “I’m fine.”
“You put the crayons where the pencils go, wrote the wrong date, handed a child a toy when he said he needed a tissue, and told Elizabeth that you understood why she was sad and if she needed to cry, that was okay.”
I popped another nacho into my mouth and shrugged. “Sometimes it’s okay to be sad.”
“Oh boy. It’s worse than I thought.”
That pulled a chuckle out of me. The lightness that came with it was a welcome relief.
“What happened?” She nudged my hand. “I’m not giving up until you spill.”
I sighed. She was right. She would keep at this all night if I didn’t just get it out there.
“Kyle lied to me,” I hurried out.
She tilted her head, but she didn’t speak.
Guilt rolled through me, because technically, that wasn’t the truth. “Well, I guess he didn’tlie, but he wasn’t super forthcoming, and he intentionally hid something from me.”
She lowered her focus to the table and wiped a hand over the surface nervously. “I’m not defending him or anything. But sometimes people make decisions based on fear or guilt. At the time, they think it’s for the best. Sometimes it’s hard to see what the possible fallout could be.”
I shook my head, my heart heavy in my chest. “I get that. And I think I could forgive him. But what hurts the most is knowing I wasn’t worth the truth.” I twirled the bracelet on mywrist. “He’s leaving for New York on Friday anyway. I thought maybe we could try something long distance, but now I’m not so sure we should bother.”
“Do you love him?”
“What?” The question hit me like a punch to the stomach. No. Of course not. I didn’t… Couldn’t. We were never meant to be permanent.
“Last week, you bounced around like you were on cloud nine. I swear your eyes had hearts in them every time you mentioned Kyle.”
Well, yeah. I was happy. But it was too soon to use the L-word. Wasn’t it? It had taken years to truly fall in love with Levi. I’d only known Kyle for months.
“Because if there’s any chance you love him, you need to decide whether you can get over this before it’s too late.”
