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I shrugged. “I was good at putting dark things into a box and hiding it away in the farthest corner of my mind. Until you. I don’t understand it. But you make me feel like I don’t have to hide anymore.”
“Kyle, I—” She turned away.
I shook my head. “I know I fucked up. I should have told you about Levi. Knew you deserved to know. But I blamed myself for his death for so long that, to admit that out loud to you…”
“Why would you blame yourself?” Her eyebrows pulled together.
I rubbed my hand down my face, searching for the right words. “Over the years, I saw my job as a puzzle. Figure out the problem, solve the problem. But sometimes I missed a piece of the puzzle. Then I would spend weeks, months, even years, overanalyzing how I screwed up.”
She opened her mouth, probably to tell me what I already knew. But I needed her to know that I was working on my brokenness.
“But I know life and death doesn’t always work like that.” Rationally, I got that, but it never stopped my mind from harping on it. Needing to do better, be better. Never fail. “I want to be good enough for you. For Callie and Teddy. So I’m going to talk to someone. Should’ve done it already.”
I should’ve done it when Seabass suggested it, but back then, I didn’t want help sorting through my guilt. Back then, I thought it was my punishment. That I should have to stew init. After losing Levi, I fixated on what I could have done differently, convincing myself I wouldn’t let it happen again. And that right there was why I’d gotten shot during my next deployment. The fear of not getting to my buddy in time took over, pushing protocol and training to the side, making me stupid and impulsive. I was so hyper-focused on saving everyone that I forgot I couldn’t save a damn person if I died first.
“What about New York? When do you have to go back?” She tilted her head and licked her lips. “I’m okay with doing the long-distance thing, if that’s what you want.”
“I don’t want that.” I cupped her face and brought our foreheads together. “I want to be here with you and the kids. This is where I’m supposed to be.”
She pulled back and regarded me. “But—what are you going to do then? We both know you hate working at The Dock.”
“Yeah. It’s not that bad. Just not what I love doing.” I smiled, thinking about the chatty guy I sat next to on the flight back from New York. “But I’m going to renew my paramedic certification.”
For the first part of the flight, I tried to ignore the guy, annoyed that he wouldn’t shut up. But when he mentioned that he was a paramedic, I found myself asking him all sorts of questions about first responders in the civilian world and thinking I would really enjoy that. If I were a cartoon character, a lightbulb would have appeared above my head.
“Oh.” She smiled. “You’d be so good at that.”
I pulled her back into my right side and brushed my lips along her neck. Her little whimper was the best sound I’d heard all day.
“Mom?” Callie’s voice came from the hallway.
Tina startled, sitting up quickly. I released my hold on her, letting her lead, even though I wanted nothing more than tokeep her anchored in my lap. She placed her feet on the floor but made no move to stand.
I couldn’t deny the way my heart soared at such a small thing.
Callie stepped into the great room, rubbing her eyes. When she dropped her hands, she gasped.
“You’re here?” she asked, like she thought maybe she was imagining me.
I nodded. “Yeah. None of my favorite people were in New York, so I came home.”
In my periphery, a smile lit Tina’s face. “Kyle isn’t moving to New York. He’s staying here. And we really like each other.” That last part came out in a rush.
I held back the laugh I wanted so badly to let fly. Instead, I held my breath, waiting for Callie’s response.
“Cool.” She shrugged, her lips curling slightly. “Can I get a glass of water?”
Tina blinked at me, gaping. It only took a second for her to collect herself, then she was hopping up and heading for the kitchen. Once she was back in my arms, I pulled her close.
“You know I don’t just like you, right?” I brushed the hair from her face. “I love you, Tina.”
She laid her head against my chest. “I love you, too.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
KYLE
I lifted a giggling Teddy high,and he hung the gold bulb on the Christmas tree. The smell of pine had me shaking my head. I’d listed all the reasons why a real tree was going to be a pain in the ass, but Tina’s list of reasons why getting one would beso much funwas just as long. I was learning quickly that if it made her smile and it made the kids happy, then I’d gladly suffer through any inconvenience.
