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Jordan reached for the menu, scanned it and quickly made his choice, setting it aside.
“Don’t keep me in suspense,” Lesley said. “Tell me how the meeting with Ian went.”
Jordan shrugged, not sure he wanted to talk about Molly or Ian just yet. He found it awkward to be discussing his wife with the woman he intended to marry. There’d been a time he’d hoped he and Molly could salvage their marriage. But as the weeks and months went by and neither of them seemed inclined to end the silence, Jordan lost hope for a reconciliation.
“Everything went fine,” he said, picking up the wine list.
“You don’t want to talk about it, do you?” Lesley said after a moment.
“Not particularly.”
“All right… I can understand that,” she said, and although he could hear the disappointment in her voice he knew she wouldn’t pursue the issue. This was something else he appreciated about Lesley. He’d known her for years and couldn’t remember her so much as raising her voice, even once.
In the past year they’d started working together on a large construction project on Chicago’s east side. She was the architect and he was the builder. Heaven knew he wasn’t looking for another relationship. Falling in love a second time held no appeal.
Ian was right when he said that Jordan had buried himself in his work after Jeffrey’s death. He went from one project to the next with hardly a breath in between. He didn’t know what would happen if he ever stopped—didn’twantto know.
“I realize this is difficult for you,” Lesley said, “but you must know what an awkward position this puts me in. I can’t continue to date a married man.”
“I do understand.”
“Nor do I want to force you into a divorce if it’s something you don’t want.”
Jordan frowned. This ground was all too familiar, and he wasn’t thrilled to be walking along the same worn path. “The marriage is dead.” If he’d said it once, he’d said it a hundred times.
“You told me that in the beginning,” Lesley reminded him, “but we’ve been seeing each other for six months and in all that time you didn’t once mention divorcing Molly.” This sounded like an accusation.
“I should’ve filed years ago.”
“But you didn’t.”
Jordan didn’t need Lesley to tell him that.
“Do you know why?” she pressed.
“I was too busy,” he said, a bit more heatedly than he intended. “Besides, I assumed Molly would see to it.”
“She didn’t file for a divorce, either,” Lesley pointed out. “Have you stopped to consider that?”
He nodded, and motioned for a waiter, who promptly appeared and took their order. Jordan asked for a bottle of chardonnay and for the next few minutes he was preoccupied as the waiter opened the wine. Jordan tasted and approved it, hoping Lesley would drop the subject of Molly and the divorce, but he doubted she would. Her pretty brown eyes were aimed at him, and they held the same gentle persuasion he’d witnessed the night she’dfirst said she couldn’t date a married man. Rather than lose her, he’d agreed to start the divorce proceedings.
“You’re still in love with her, aren’t you?” Lesley asked. She was rarely angry with him, unlike Molly who seemed to delight in provoking him. Lesley was subtle and concerned, and her methods worked.
“It’s perfectly understandable,” Lesley added.
“To love Molly?” He couldn’t believe she was suggesting such a thing.
“Yes. What happened to the two of you is tragic.”
Pain tightened his chest. “She blamed herself,” he whispered, his hand gripping the wineglass with unnecessary force. “With all her medical training, she seemed to think there was something she could’ve done to save him.”
He’d argued with her until he had no voice. It hadn’t helped that he’d left the house when she and Jeffrey were still asleep. Apparently Jeffrey had stirred and cried out, but it was early and, thinking she’d get a few more minutes of sleep, Molly had ignored his cry. It was the last sound their son ever made. Molly had woken an hour later to discover him dead.
Jordan looked at Lesley and blinked, wondering if what she’d implied was true.Didhe still love Molly? He’d never blamed her for what happened to Jeffrey, but she’d blamed herself, despite everything he said and did.
But did he love Molly? Jordan asked himself a second time. He didn’t know. So much of what he felt toward her was tangled up in his feelings for his son. He’d loved Jeffrey more than he’d believed it was possible for a man to love his child. He’d grieved, in hisown way, until he’d nearly killed himself, working all hours of the day and night.
If Jordan had learned anything from his limited experience as a father, it was that he refused to be vulnerable to this kind of pain again. This was Lesley’s great appeal. She didn’t want children, either. They were perfect for each other.
