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“Not exactly wrong.” For all his advice about sitting, he found it necessary to stand himself. “I got a bit of a shock the other night.”
“Oh?”
He paused, then decided the only way to say it was straight out. “Molly’s pregnant.”
“Pregnant?” Lesley sounded as if she’d never heard the word before. “That must have been a surprise. Who’s the father?”
“Ah…” He would have told her then if she’d given him the chance.
“I imagine it’s that doctor friend of hers you mentioned. The one who was with her in east Africa?”
He stiffened and met her gaze. “No. I am.”
The mug in Lesley’s hand started to shake and coffee splashed over the sides until she managed to set it down on her desk. She sank into her chair.
“I know this is a blow, Lesley, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
“You and Molly—I see.”
Witnessing the pain in her eyes was almost more than Jordan could bear. “I don’t have any excuses. It happened while we were in Africa, while we were held down by the rebel gunfire. We hid in a supply shed and for a while I didn’t know if we were going to make it out alive.”
“That’s your excuse?” she asked, and her voice quavered with indignation.
“Lesley, I couldn’t be more sorry. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world.”
“Funny that you’ve done such a good job of it.” She reached for her coffee in an effort to mask the tears that brimmed in her dark eyes.
Jordan had never felt like more of a jerk. Without trying, he’d managed to offend the woman he cared about and wanted to marry.
“You didn’t go through with the divorce, did you?”
He shouldn’t be surprised by how well Lesley knew him. “No, not yet. I felt it was better to wait until the baby was born.”
“I see.”
“I don’t blame you for being upset,” Jordan said, leaning toward her, his hands clasped. “I wouldn’tblame you if you threw me out the door and said you never wanted to see me again, but I hope you won’t. My marriage is dead—”
“Apparently not as dead as I once believed,” Lesley broke in, her voice trembling.
“A baby isn’t going to solve the problems between Molly and me. If anything, this pregnancy complicates the issues.”
“What about the child?” Lesley wanted to know. “How do you feel about…having a child?”
His hands tightened until his fingers ached. “I never wanted another family. It was understood from the moment you and I discussed marriage that there wouldn’t be children. My feelings about that haven’t changed. Molly seems to have adjusted to the news without too much trouble, but I …frankly, I don’t ever plan on seeing the baby. Naturally I’ll support the child financially, but I refuse to have any emotional involvement.”
Lesley’s lips quirked upward in a brief smile; at least, Jordan thought it was a smile. “Jordan, it would be impossible for you not to love this child.”
His spine stiffened. Another Jeffrey? Never. “You can’t love what you don’t see,” he told her.
“You already love this child. Otherwise you would’ve gone through with the divorce,” Lesley said. “A pregnancy wouldn’t have mattered if you honestly believed you could turn your back on the child.”
“It was Molly I couldn’t walk away from,” he countered. As soon as the words escaped, he realized the profound truth of them, and how deeply they’d wounded Lesley. “She had a difficult pregnancy the first time,”he added quickly, wanting to undo the damage, knowing it was too late.
Lesley stood and walked to the window, her back to him. He noticed how rigidly she stood, as if she were fighting back the pain. She crossed her arms. “You still love her.”
“No,” he denied, then said, “Yes, I suppose I do.” He waited, hoping Lesley would turn around, but she didn’t. “Don’t condemn me for that. Molly was…is my wife. A man doesn’t forget his first love.”
He saw Lesley’s hand move to her face and he realized she was wiping the tears away. It pained him to know he’d hurt her so deeply.
