AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Hot, blistering tears filled his eyes.
A man doesn’t cry… A man doesn’t cry…
Apparently whoever was supposed to listen didn’t. Huge sobs racked his shoulders. He hung his head, then covered his face, embarrassed, although no one could see him.
The tears stopped abruptly, replaced by a savage rage. It threatened to consume him, and Jordan realized he’d carried it with him, inside him, for years.
Right or wrong, justified or not, he was furious. Jeffrey was gone and there was no one to blame, no one he could slam up against a wall, no one he could send to jail. So he’d allowed it to weigh down his own life.
He vented his anger now because he hadn’t let himself to do it back then. Hadn’t let himself grieve the way Molly had. He hadn’t supported her desire to see a therapist, to talk about it with a professional.
He was a man. A man didn’t reveal his pain. A man didn’t cry. A man buried his son and then went on with his life. A man comforted his wife. A man held his family together. That was what Jordan believed a man should do.
Only he was weeping now.
Weeping alone.
SIDS had taken far more than his perfect, innocent son. SIDS had robbed him of his wife and his marriage. In many ways, SIDS had taken a part of his sanity.
Jordan was standing now, fists clenched at his sides, the chair rocking behind him. He didn’t remember coming to his feet. Falling back into the rocker, he closed his eyes and waited for his pulse to return to normal. The room was silent, except for the heavy thud of his heart.
Jordan waited for a release, anything that would end his agony, his pain. But he knew that this catharsis had to run its course. He was walking through the valley, and he had to keep walking. It was the only hope he had of reaching the other side.
* * *
“I’m pregnant,” Amanda squealed when Molly answered the phone a few days after Christmas.
“Congratulations!”
“Oh, Molly, I’m so excited I can hardly stand it.”
Molly wasn’t emotional these days, not like when she was first pregnant, but she wiped a tear of shared happiness from her eyes. “Does Tommy know?”
“Yes. I just called him at work and you know what he did? Oh, Molly, he’s so sweet. He started to cry right there on the phone, with everyone watching. Then I started to cry, too. I can’t remember when I’ve been so happy. Yes, I can…but this time, well, this time it’s different.”
“When are you due?” Molly asked. She was sitting on the sofa, her swollen feet propped up on the coffee table. She’d quit work the week before and had intended to put away her Christmas decorations, but she hadn’tstarted yet. She’d been too busy with appointments and parties and get-togethers.
“The doctor seemed to think early August. I can’t believe I’m going to have to spend the hottest part of the summer pregnant. You’d think we’d know how to plan better, wouldn’t you?”
Molly wondered if there was ever an easy time to be pregnant. She had three weeks to go before her due date, and she felt enormous. Ian had been acting like a mother hen, calling her at all times of the day and night. Her father called, but not Jordan. She’d made it plain she didn’t want to hear from him, and apparently he’d accepted her decision.
Fool that she was, Molly kept hoping he’d call. He’d sent her a Christmas gift via her father, and it had depressed her so much she’d wept for days afterward. Ian had wanted to call the doctor. He couldn’t understand why a pair of black baby-doll pajamas would upset her like that.
She knew Jordan had company for Christmas. His friend, Zane Halquist, the mercenary he’d hired to get her safely out of east Africa, had flown into Chicago, and the two men had spent the holidays together. Molly would’ve thanked Zane herself, had she known he was in town.
She’d received a long letter from Jordan’s mother shortly before Christmas and was surprised to learn he’d spent Thanksgiving in Arizona. Martha Larabee told that Jordan had asked her to put Jeffrey’s picture away. Her mother-in-law told her how sorry she was that she and Jordan hadn’t been able to work things out. She asked Molly to let her know when the baby wasborn and had mailed a beautiful hand-knit blanket as a gift.
“I’ll save my baby things for you,” Molly promised Amanda.
“Thanks. We have plenty of things from Christi, too.”
Molly noted how much easier it was for Amanda to talk about the daughter she’d lost to SIDS. It was easier for her to discuss Jeffrey, too. Together they’d found a support group for parents whose children had died, and it had helped them both tremendously. Each time she attended a meeting, she thought of Jordan. The process of openly acknowledging her son’s death was painful, but she came away stronger and more confident.
“I haven’t told my dad yet, so I’d better get off the phone,” Amanda said. “I need to call him.”
“Of course. Give him my best.”
“I will. And thank you, Molly.”
