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My food-loving daughter clapped and jumped up and down. All thoughts of sleep vanished with that promise of carby goodness. She dove into her room and threw on day clothes with as much randomness as I had and came out minutes later wearing an almost identical replica of my outfit. Except for the pink fluffy scarf from last night. She wound it around her neck and tossed the ends over her shoulders. “I’m ready.”
I grinned at her as love swelled in my chest until it felt so tight it might burst. I hoped she always had this confidence to wear what she loved and to give a fuck off to anyone who dared to tell her it didn’t suit societal norms. No one said a damned word when a man ran around looking like a complete slob. Society claimed that it was his right as the man and the breadwinner of the household. Whereas women were required to look perfectly put together all the time. Fuck that. Some days I wanted to look cute and sassy. Not for any fucking man, but because it was whatIwanted.
What did trying to conform to society ever get me? Insecurity and low self-esteem. That was pretty much all society gave most women, and that was on a good day.
“Maybe my tooth will come out in my pancakes.” Abigail bounded down the hallway, her boots clomping so loud it echoed.
I shook myself out of my stupor and followed her to the front door where she waited for me. “That would make breakfast fun.” Grinning, I tweaked the end of her scarf. “You’ll have to show Gram how loose it is.”
“She might give me a dollar if I pull it.” The thought invigorated Abigail, and she shoved her fingers into her mouth to wiggle the tooth. “I almost got it.”
We made our way to the car, brittle cold nipping our cheeks and making my teeth chatter. I cranked the engine and pulled out onto the road before the heater could catch up, and we shuddered our way down the road to my parents’ house. Abigail never stopped talking. She gave me a recount of her version of the party and watching videos on Justin’s phone. It all sounded like a fairy tale from her perspective.
Hell. My memories of last night were a fairy tale. I tightened my grip on the wheel to keep my thoughts in check and pulled into the driveway. Mom waved me in from the front door andwithin minutes we sat around the kitchen table with cups of hot coffee and plates stacked high with bacon and pancakes.
Abigail kept us both entertained as she polished off her pancakes—without losing her tooth—and hopped from her seat. “Can I go play on my swing set?” She licked syrup from her lips and threw her arms around me. Her blue eyes pleaded, and I didn’t have any trouble giving her the okay.
“Keep your coat on and your scarf tucked inside. Okay?” I slid the fluffy scarf beneath her coat and buttoned the top button. “Gram and I will be out to watch you in a few minutes.”
She skipped from the house, her blonde hair flying in the breeze.
Mom turned to me, spearing me with a look. “What’s wrong?”
I didn’t bother trying to hide anything from her. She’d been my best friend my whole life. I was lucky to have such a great relationship with her. I knew most girls were not as lucky. Sipping my coffee, I told her about Zachary. I left off the darker details. Things like my relationship with three men from Dad’s team. She didn’t need to know any of that. I’d be asking her to keep a secret from her husband. A secret that was mine to tell and not hers to hide. My throat convulsed with a surge of guilt. “I’m pretty sure he's Abigail's dad.” The cup warmed my hands, but nothing could pierce the ice wrapped tight around my heart.
Mom patted my arm where it rested on the table. “You like him?”
I blew out a slow, desperate breath. “That doesn’t matter. Dad would never let us have a relationship. Not as long as he’s on the team and I’m the physiotherapist.” I winced at the hurt pouring out through my tone. One of us would have to give up our job in order to have a relationship.
I knew who that would be. If I wanted to have it all, I’d have to sacrifice. I could never ask Zachary to give up his shot at apro career. It wasn’t fair to him. But neither was me having to give up the job of a lifetime. “It’s all a mess.” I rubbed the ache building behind my eyes.
“Life is messy.” Mom squeezed my forearm and leaned in close. “You can’t let that scare you. Otherwise, you’ll spend your whole life worrying.”
I did enough of that already. I finished my coffee and twirled the cup between my hands. “Dad will never let it go.” I shook my head as the reality of it all came crashing down on me. What were the chances I’d find Zachary again after all these years?
Mom’s brows puckered together into a harsh line. “Your father doesn’t get to make this decision. If the boy is Abigail’s father, he has every right to be in her life.”
“Yeah.” But what about me? The question tangled in my heart. I held it back before the full truth could barrel out.
But Mom saw. Mom saw everything. Her face smoothed and she huffed a quiet laugh that was meant to soothe me. “You have feelings for him.”
I didn’t dare nod, but the truth welled up inside me with such bright intensity that I doubted she’d miss it shining in my face. I’d never been good at hiding my emotions, and she’d learned years ago how to see through my bullshit.
“Family comes first, Lucy.” Mom’s voice was quiet, sincere.
It wrenched my traitorous heart to hear her speak so softly to me when I’d done so much to shame her through the years. “I know.” At least, I understood the sentiment. I blinked back a rush of tears and turned away from her. The familiar kitchen with its worn table and familiar white cabinets worked a sliver of peace into my heart.
Mom took my hand and held it between hers. “No. You’re not listening, honey. Family comes first.” She ducked down to look into my eyes. “Rules be damned. Family over everything. Always.”
I wanted desperately to believe that Dad ascribed to the same feeling, but I knew better. The disappointment he’d thrown in my face during college was enough to shred me to pieces even now. I was playing with fire by sleeping with Zachary, much less with Lennox and Justin too. Dad might forgive me—eventually—for falling for Zachary again. But he’d never understand the pull of loving three men.
Did I love them? Or did I love how they made me feel? Both. The thought of giving them up made me sick. What hurt worse was the knowledge that my actions could ruin all of their careers and put them out of pro hockey for the rest of their lives.
I wasn’t above thumbing my nose at society when I was the only one getting hurt. I couldn’t do that to all of them. I should have been strong enough to tell myself no. It wasn’t too late.
“Even if family comes first, Dad won’t let Zachary become a real part of our family. He’ll be Abigail’s father, but he won’t be family.” I had to say it out loud before it tore me apart.
Mom’s smile was a little bit sad as she sat back and crossed one arm over her waist. “You leave your father to me.”
