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“Th-th—” Fuck. Seriously. Fuck. Ipracticed. I didn’t deserve to havethank youmessing with me. “Thank you.”
He nodded. “No problem.”
“How’s the f-flooding?” I asked.
“Eh. Happening, which I was honestly hoping to prevent, but we’ll see how it goes. Look, um…” He gave me an odd, rather intent look I couldn’t read. “Can I ask you something?”
Surprised, I answered without even thinking about it. “Yes?”
“Why wouldn’t you tell me your name yesterday?”
Ah.
He pushed his hair out of his eyes with the back of his wrist. “I mean, it’s fine. It’s just, normally when one human—let’s call him Human A—gives his name to a second human—let’s callhimHuman B—Human B is generally moved to reciprocate.”
I stared at him helplessly. Whileidiot fucking idiotresounded through my head like hammer blows.
“It’s just a thing, not an obligation.” He shrugged. “But I think I’d like to know. I’d really like to know. If you want to tell me.”
I drew in a breath that seemed to last forever, and let it out again in a rush of words. “No, well, of course, I absolutely would have told you my name b-bu-but…but you see…I…I couldn’t.”
“You couldn’t?”
“It’s classified.” I paused. “By the government.”
“I see.”
“I had to make an application for dispensation today. Otherwise, I would have had to…to…you know…kill you.”
He nodded gravely. “Did the dispensation go through?”
“I managed to fast-track it, yes.”
“And?”
“Um…it’s…” I lined up the letters one by one, dreading thedand thewthat had lately decided to trouble me, but determinedthat I wouldn’t stumble, I wouldn’t fucking stumble over my own fucking name. “Edwin. Edwin Tully.”35
He leaned in, close enough that I could feel the warmth of his breath. “I won’t tell a soul.”
It was hard to think. He smelled clean, like the rain, and it had been a long time since someone had looked at me the way he did. Or, perhaps, since I’d let anyone. And maybe itwasjust kindness, but if I didn’t have the courage to find out, then that was all it would ever be. Kindness, and a pair of wellies. “Are…are you stopping for the night?”
“We’re here 24–7, remember?” He grinned and mock-saluted. “Protect and serve.”
“Yes, b-butyoucan’t be here 24–7.”
“I’m not. But right now it’s all hands to the pumps, and I want to keep monitoring the river.”
Courage. Middle English, from the Old French:corage.
“How about after? You could…come round. If you wanted. Or w-will you be too tired?”
“Too tired to see you? Never, Edwin. I’d love to.” Oh my name, my name, it sounded so different when he said it. “It’ll be late, though? Maybe ten?”
“It’s a d-d-d-d-da-da-da”—Fuck.—“I’ll see you then.”
“See you then.”
I closed the door and went back to my books.
