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“I like it just fine,” I told him. “I just don’t like reciprocating. It’s one of the many ways I make a terrible boyfriend.”
“I’ve never been in a proper relationship.” Leo gazed at me overmy somewhat wilting cock, for sex and emotion had never been easy bedfellows for me. “But I think a terrible boyfriend would be someone who made you do things you weren’t into.”
“Oh please.” I kicked him mostly gently in the shoulder with my good foot. “I’m not some wounded gazelle for you to suck back to health. Do you think anyone has ever made me do anything I wasn’t willing to do?”
And I was broadlywillingto suck cock—or at least, thought I should in the name of love and longevity. I just felt the intrusion more keenly in my mouth than elsewhere. Struggled with my gag reflex and the obstruction of breath. The basic loss of self that came with not being able to speak. I should probably have told Edwin how it felt, but I kept expecting it to be different—to become different—if we just loved each other enough. Then, of course, I’d left him regardless. Lost all my reasons to be selfless. Still hadn’t found any to replace them.28
“Well,” Leo was saying, “I want to do this. If you’ll let me.”
I grated out a laugh. “Working towards your sexual service badge now?”
“What?”
“Looks like you look. Takes it like a champ. Asks politely to go down with no strings attached.”
“I mean”—Leo blushed into my groin—“I might not be very good at it. So that could be a string.”
“It’s like riding a bike. You’ll pick it right back up again.”
“I never learned to ride a bike. And I’ve never done this either.”
I jolted onto my elbows. “How?”
“Obnoxious rich kid, remember? I had cars.”
“Not the bike. The other thing.”
Pushing his hair back from his face with both hands, he glanced up at me. “Same answer applies. People blew me. Not the other way around.”
“This isn’t going to balance the universe, you know.”
“I know,” he said, with a little more force than usual. “That’s not what this is about.”
“What is it about, then?”
“You’re beautiful. This”—he dragged a single finger up my cock and my hips came off the fucking bed—“is beautiful. And I want to taste it. But what doyouwant, Marius?”
“I want,” I heard myself whisper, “you to get on your knees for me, rich boy.”
“Leo.”
The words were briefly stuck in my throat. Getting them out made me dizzy. “I want you to get on your knees for me, Leo.”
I had just enough presence of mind to throw him a pillow as he moved to the floor. Then I shifted to the edge of the bed and curled my legs around him, unsure if I meant for the gesture to be controlling or protective. He slipped a hand under my calf, his eyes intent on mine, and with so much trust in them, I dissolved into idiocy.
“It’s easier this way,” I said. “The angle. And I won’t—I’ll try not to—if anything makes you uncomfortable or I do something that—”
“I’ll let you know.” Then he drew my leg up onto his shoulder. “Might as well keep this elevated too.”
I shuddered out a laugh and he quieted me with a kiss. There was something swoon-inducingly sensuous about the drag of his beard against my inner thigh, and I couldn’t tell if I hated the intimacy of it. A mouth on my cock was one thing. This felt…specific. Too close to knowing someone.
Then his lips were on me. Parting around me. Heat and pressure, and the uncertain flicker of his tongue. It was more difficult than I’d anticipated not to demand more. Instead, I put my hands behind me and dug them into the duvet, trying to keep my hips from flexing. Above me, the painted ceiling caught fragmented reflections of the river—ripples of Prussian blue and indigo, dancing with the glow of the LEDs that Leo had left on for us. It was beautiful light, silken and mutable, full of mysteries like the man at my feet.
And I—I was not going to last. As blowjobs went, it was fine. A little clumsy perhaps, but more personally appealing to me than some of the more performative ones I’d received. Perhaps that was the problem. This didn’t feel abstract, a sexual box to be ticked or a skill to be demonstrated. It felt about me. And about him. Which came dangerously close to constituting anus. Even if just for the moments he was nestled between my thighs, his arms partially around me, and his mouth as gloriously slick and yielding and eager as his body had been the night before.
Reaching down, I managed to grab a handful of his hair and pull him off me.
He blinked up at me, his lips a provocative gleam. “Did I do something wrong?”
