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Cookie looked like she was going to throw something at their heads if they didn’t shut up. I edged a bread basket closer to her, hoping it would tip her over the edge.
I caught her looking at me before she turned to them. “Are you two done cackling yet?”
“What? We can’t have a laugh here and there?” Dice said.
“Not like buffoons. We’ve got other issues beyond my having to explain how your lives aren’t better just because no one wants your dumb asses.”
“For the record, I could’ve gotten married,” Connor said, his voice a little mousier than usual, sinking a little lower in his chair.
“What? To that hag Ruth you dated for a week? Even you’re not that dumb.” Cookie rolled her eyes.
Connor slumped a little more.
Dice held a hand up in surrender. “You win! No reason to bring up the past,” he said, before she could switch targets.
She nodded, as if to say,You’re right, I won.“Back to the matter at hand. This fight is going to come whether we’re ready for it or not. So we get as ready as we can be until Kaden gets out of this weird phase he’s in.”
“Agreed,” Dice and Connor said at the same time.
I didn’t need to say a word. Everyone in the room knew exactly where I stood.
* * *
The night stars swirled around in the most amazing night sky to the background sound of waves crashing. This upper balcony was the only place that could usually soothe my ragged nerves, but tonight, no matter how long I sat here, it did nothing.
Soleil walked out onto the balcony.
“You missed dinner,” she said, putting a bowl of stew down on the table beside me.
“Thanks,” I said, looking at it and trying to show some interest. I’d have to force a bite down somehow. “How did you know I was up here?”
“I heard you. I hear everything.” She sighed and then sat on the other lounge, turning to face me instead of reclining.
Her hands were folded on her lap, and it looked like she was gearing up for a talk. Soleil was like the caring mother I’d never had, and I didn’t want to get a talking-to. I wanted to be silent and alone to dwell on the mess that was my current predicament.
I’d hear her out, though, because when I couldn’t walk, when I’d barely been able to feed myself, she was there helping me. She deserved my respect and more. Plus, I was slightly afraid of her and didn’t have the nerve to walk out.
“Are you sleeping okay?” she asked.
How many times had she heard me up, pacing in my room? It didn’t matter. I wasn’t encouraging this conversation with honesty.
“I usually sleep—”
“Forget I asked. I know you aren’t.” She waved a hand.
I didn’t bother denying it again. She really did hear everything, and I didn’t have the energy to deny what she already knew.
“What you’re feeling right now is a normal grieving process.” She was patting my hand, as if that would somehow make it better.
There was nothing normal about grieving a grandmother I’d killed. Or regretting that I’d forced Kaden to be stuck with me, someone so lousy they’d killed the only person who ever loved them.
“Soleil, I promise you, I’m—”
“You’re not fine. You don’t eat well, you barely sleep, and the only time you have life in your eyes is when you’re gathering with the others to plot murder.”
How much had she heard? I wasn’t sure I wanted to know, and I was too speechless to ask.
“You’re hurt and lost right now. It’s okay to feel the things you’re feeling, but you need to know it won’t always be this way,” she said.
