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His reminder finally brought me to my senses, and I shoved at his chest. He dropped his hands, giving me more space.
“This isn’t because we kissed,” I said. He had no idea how belittling his words were. Could he bethatunaware? It wasn’t because we’d kissed. It was getting thrown in the trash like yesterday’s newspaper afterward. It was that as much as I tried to move on, he wouldn’t let me. It was all the problems that had ensued because he was still coming here, trying to keep me in this place of limbo, from which none of us could truly move on.
The worst part was, I wasn’t even sure he knew what he was doing himself.
“I’ve got a big day tomorrow. I need some sleep.” I nodded toward the door. After this conversation, worrying about his feelings was bottom of my list. He was lucky I wasn’t chasing him out with Charlie’s tiny bat.
“I hoped we’d be able to speak calmly about this, but—”
“No. I’m too irrational, I guess,” I said, cutting him off and finishing what he was truly thinking.
I didn’t wait for him to leave this time, instead retreating to my room and shutting the door.
Chapter Nine
I waitedfor Buddie on the porch in the crisp morning air. The anticipation of what was about to come was tying my stomach into knots.
“Can you pick Charlie up from school if I’m running late?” I asked as soon as he appeared.
“Yeah, of course.” He glanced around the street, looking as if he were stalling for a second before he asked, “You sure you want to do this? Duncan stopped by not long ago and was telling me some of his concerns.”
“Positive.” I’d seen Duncan walking over there and known exactly what he was up to. It didn’t matter how many people he tried to scare, or put up to talking to me. “If I’m going to be the guide, I’m going to be. The. Guide. Dipping a couple of toes in won’t help anyone—least of all me.” The precariousness of my situation here was like sinking into quicksand. Staying still might slow my death, but I was still inching away from the land of the living. The only chance I had was to lunge for whatever vine I could find. If there was another option to be explored, no one would stop me from trying it.
He rocked back on his heels, casting a glance around as though he’d wished for a different answer from me.
“What? You’re against it, too? You can’t see the value in doing it?” Did no one—not even Buddie, who had a front-row seat—see how I was slowly getting cornered into having to do something? It didn’t matter if I wasn’t openly complaining. He knew it as well as I did.
He finally sighed and shrugged. “I’m disappointed because I wanted to be there. What if you do something really cool? Like burst into flames?”
“Let’s hope it’s really boring. I have no desire to become charcoal.” I’d been better off not asking at all. The knots in my stomach, which had been little, manageable things, were growing into the size of boulders.
“Yeah, whatever. I’ll fetch Charlie instead of watching the circus, but if it turns out to be a real spectacle, I’m going to be pissed.” He blew out a long breath, as if resigning himself to missing the show of the month, maybe even the year.
“Thanks.” I turned back to the cottage, yelling through the door, “Charlie!”
“I’m coming,” he yelled back. It was followed by the clomping noise of his dragging his school bag down the stairs right behind him. For a little kid, he was disproportionately loud.
He dashed past me, and Buddie handed him a donut. Not exactly the best start for his day, but mine wasn’t looking so hot either.
I retreated inside, boiling water for my third coffee, the smell comforting me even as the overload of caffeine might not be the wisest choice. I had to finish getting ready for the ceremony, but we hadn’t covered the finer details in the plans last night. What did one wear to something like this? Would there be a crowd to witness it? Should I attempt something grander than a ponytail?
I settled for my standby jeans and sweater, since I didn’t have anything nicer anyway. Gulping down the last of my coffee, I made my way to Groza’s.
Duncan, Maddocks, and Kicks were standing on the front porch talking when I got within sight. Duncan was glaring toward Kicks, as if he wanted to drag him off the porch and pound the hell out of him. Kicks was leaning against the railing. If he noticed the looks, which he had to have, he certainly didn’t seem bothered. Maddocks watched the exchange with a smirk. Kicks turned slightly, directing a comment to Maddocks, who laughed as Duncan’s scowl intensified.
The attention slowly shifted to me as I closed in.
Groza emerged just as I stepped onto the porch, as if she had an internal alarm that went off when I neared Duncan’s vicinity. It was only going to be the five of us? I’d been wary of an audience, but a few extra people around might’ve helped dilute the tension in this group. Maddocks was pleasant, but he wasn’t enough, as evidenced last night at dinner.
“So what’s the plan? What do I need to do?” I asked, ready to get this thing moving before I chickened out.
Duncan’s chest rose and fell with a deep breath, and Groza’s jaw was set tight. It was clear that a good night’s sleep hadn’t changed anyone’s opinion on the matter.
“Let’s get ready and then go in the back, where there’s more privacy,” Duncan finally said, his eyes lingering on me as if he were hoping I’d come to my senses.
I straightened my spine. He shook his head before he retreated inside. Groza rolled her eyes, as if I were more idiotic than she’d even imagined, before following him.
Well, that just cemented things for me. Anything Groza didn’t want me to do was something I needed to get done, and immediately.
