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Cold air slapped me in the face and a snowflake landed on my cheek. My eyes fluttered open. Gregor was carrying me from his car to the elevator with Michelle in my arms. The wind was howling past the mouth of the garage, spitting flakes in at us from the white-out swirl outside.
I woke up again when he shifted me to balance our weight on one of his thighs. I heard his key in the lock, and then his door opening, and the cat yelling for food and attention.
We were home. Odd to think of his place as home, but right now it still felt like the safe haven he had taken us into. Finding out what he was, and the kind of things he’d done, didn’t change that. The relief was real.
So were my feelings for him. But even as I felt him settling us on the bed and taking off my shoes, I wondered if I could cope with this, especially long term. And even if I could, what would it do to Michelle to have a mobster for a dad?
***
I woke up warm but a little uncomfortable thanks to sleeping in my clothes. Michelle was still snuggled in my arms, and Gregor was breathing softly against my neck with one arm thrown over us. His cat, meanwhile, was wedged between my head and the headboard, purring like a motor.
This was cozy as hell and very comforting, but it also meant I couldn’t really go anywhere without scooting down to the bottom of the bed like an awkward snake. But staying in the same position for a long time had made me stiff, and after a while of just lying there trying to enjoy the warm stillness, I gave up and made the effort.
After wiggling down to the bottom of the bed, I sat up and then stood, feeling shaky but all right. I turned and looked back at the bed, only Feodor the cat seemed to have woken up from my movements. He stretched and yawned, then hopped off the bed to follow me out.
Showering with a worried cat checking regularly to see if I was drowning was an interesting experience. Normally, he was distracted by Gregor or Michelle. But now I had a furry little face pressed against the pebbled glass as I washed my hair, and the occasional worried meow to keep me company.
I got out and dressed, then made a cup of tea, filling the cat’s bowl as I waited for the water to boil. I stirred strawberry jam into it without even thinking about it, and went to sit down on the couch.
I had decisions to make. Decisions that would affect all our lives.
I thought, and sipped, and petted the cat, who ended up sprawled across my lap after his meal. My mind felt split in two, each half arguing with its counterpart.
My heart wanted Gregor, even after everything. My body certainly did. But my mind was full of last night’s memories, and all that I had learned.
He treated us like gold. But he worked for the Russian mob.
He risked his life to protect us. But he lied to me about how he rescued Michelle.
He was everything I could want in a man. And he was Michelle’s father. But he had an incredibly dangerous job. He could die, he could be arrested, and he killed people.
I was halfway through my tea when I heard the bedroom door open and saw Gregor heading for the bathroom with a fresh set of clothes on his arm. I set up another cup of tea to steep and tried to ignore the nervous flutter in my stomach.
He eventually came back out with wet hair and reddened wrists from the manacles. Blinking sleepily, he walked into the living room, giving me a smile as he smelled the tea steeping. “Thanks, I could use a cup.”
We sat together in silence for a while as the caffeine slowly kicked in, the cat sprawled between us so he could get pets from us both. When our hands made contact over the little guy’s furry back, Gregor caught my hand gently and enfolded it in his own.
“How are you doing?” he asked softly.
I looked at him and saw loving concern, and beyond it, that same quiet resignation. Like he was bracing himself for bad news.
“I’m ambivalent,” I admitted. “Last night was really scary. Finding out you lied about Michelle really hurt. But you saved her. You protected us both. And I love you.”
There, it was said.
He closed his eyes, an almost pained look on his face. It took him a few moments before he spoke. “Ever since we met again and I found out about Michelle, I’ve been bracing myself for you to take her and run. I’m still wondering if you will. Not even sure I could blame you, after everything.”
“I don’t want to,” I said tentatively. “But I’m worried about Michelle’s safety and my own. I mean…” I sighed. Why was this so hard?
“I understand.” He hesitated and then met my gaze. “I love you. But I love you enough to let you go, even let Michelle go, if you need it. I don’t want you living scared. Not of me, not for me, not in general.”
I squeezed my eyes shut against tears. Was I tough enough to do this?Either choice required more strength than I was sure I could muster.
“You saved my daughter even before you knew she was mine because it was the right thing. You stood up to your boss for us. You didn’t let him decide our fates. You even got everyone else standing up for us too. But I also know that life with you would never actually be normal.”
“It would be as normal as I can make it,” he said softly, thumb stroking along the back of my hand.
I swallowed hard. The heat between us was as intense as ever; another siren’s call urging me to stay.
