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He let out a heavy huff of air and shook his head. “You don’t get it.”
His statement was so deadpanned that I was taken aback. If there was one person in this world who understood pain like his, it was me. He had been through so much since I left Ember Hollow, but I was no stranger to crushing grief.
“What do you mean?”
His jaw worked, and I could almost hear his back teeth grinding together. He raised his head, his green eyes dark and hooded beneath his lashes. The look on his face took my breath away. It was somewhere between devastation and longing…for what, I didn’t know.
“I don’t want you to see me like this, Lark,” he rasped.
I stepped closer, hating the fact that the desk separated us. “It doesn’t matter.”
His eyes closed briefly. “I don’t want you to see how…weak I am.”
“You’re not weak.” My response was automatic. Weakness was the last trait I associated with Reid Ramsey.
“Don’t lie to me.” He looked down at the bottle of liquor on his desk, his hands balled into fists. “Everyone thinks it, but they don’t want to say it. I don’t blame them. Here I am, in the damn afternoon, trying to choke down some goddamned bourbon that August left at my house.” He grimaced at the nearly empty glass. “I’m even failing at getting drunk. Seems fitting.”
I stepped closer. Papers crinkled beneath my feet, but that stupid desk was too much in the way. “Reid.” I said his name, wanting to wrap my arms around him, but the desk was so big and with all the books and the two toppled chairs, there wasn’t a clear path for me to get to him.
Reid shook his head. “You should go.” He turned around, like he didn’t want to look at me anymore. “Trust me, you don’t want to be here, Lark.”
I clenched my jaw, a fire lighting in my stomach. He couldn’t dismiss me. I wouldn’t so easily be dissuaded. I glanced to the left, where the leather armchair blocked me from rounding the desk, and then to the right, where Reid had flung his desk chair. I stared in front of me. Reid was right there, but he might as well be a thousand miles away.
But I wasn’t going to leave him.
I looked down at the desk. It was two feet. Two feet of wood separating us. Reid might’ve been trying to build a damn wall around him, but it wouldn’t keep me away. I placed my palms on the desktop and hoisted myself up. One knee after another, I crawled across the desk. Reid stood so close, there wasn’t any room for me to stand between him and the desk, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was him.
When I reached him, I straightened up on my knees. I was almost his height this way, making it easy to wrap my arms around his neck and hold my body against his.
He jumped at my touch and tried to pull away. “Lark—” he started, but I tightened my hold on him.
“I’m not leaving you alone.” I tucked my face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent. His scent was so familiar now, cedarwood and cinnamon, but with a slight trace of bourbon.
His body was frozen for a moment. I stayed still, my arms wrapped around him from behind as I knelt on top of his stupid giant desk. His breathing hitched, each inhale becoming a desperate gasp for air as he grappled for control. I sensed that he was on the brink of losing the battle and my arms tightened harder, my heart ricocheting off my ribs. I pressed a kiss against his neck, wanting him to know that it was okay.
And then he turned. He ripped himself away from me, but in the next breath, his thick, strong arms were crushing me against his chest. He said my name, nothing more than a broken rasp, and then his body shook with sobs.
I clung to him, one hand running up into his hair as I held him to me. My own tears slid down my face as Reid’s body trembled, releasing a world’s worth of hurt and trauma. I’d never seen Reid cry, not even at Thea’s funeral. Not even when he dragged me from her room the morning she was murdered.
I didn’t know how Reid could ever think of himself as weak. He was the strongest person I had ever known. This moment, as he let himself fall apart in my arms, was the most powerful thing I’d ever witnessed from him. Vulnerability wasn’t weakness; it was being willing to open up your whole heart. It was like cutting yourself wide open and trusting that the person would fully accept every ugly thing hidden inside. The fact that he trusted me so completely had me in awe.
I wasn’t sure how long I held him, but my knees ached by the time he regained control of himself. He pulled back, and I let him. Tracks of tears glistened on his cheeks as his eyes met mine.
He cleared his throat, but his voice was raw and jagged as he spoke. “I’m sorry.”
His eyes filled with shame, and I shook my head. “No.” I leaned in, kissing his cheek, the stubble on his face rough against my lips. “Don’t regret that. Don’t be sorry.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed. “I just—I couldn’t save her, Lark.”
I didn’t know whether he was talking about Thea or Lily Baker, but it didn’t matter. “You can’t save everyone.”
He tore his eyes away from mine. “I should’ve stayed that night, Lark. Back when that man came in and took my sister’s life…” His voice hitched. “I knew I should’ve stayed. I should’ve parked my ass on that couch and slept there. I should’ve made sure everything stayed calm after that crazy party.”
I placed a hand against his cheek and gently guided his face back to me. “It wasn’t your fault.”
The look in his eye was laced with doubt. “I had a feeling in my gut, Lark. I had a feeling I should stay, and I didn’t listen.”
“And I should’ve called the cops. But it doesn’t help to take blame and put it where it doesn’t belong.” I lifted my other hand and held his face between them. “It’s not your responsibility to save everyone. For all you know, staying would’ve gotten you killed, too. It’s time to forgive yourself, Reid. It’s not a guilt you need to carry anymore.”
