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“What’s all this?”
“It’s my way of welcoming you home,” Sig said.
Home.This did feel like home in so many ways.
“You coming in with me?” I asked.
“If you’ll have me.”
“I would love that. But will we both fit? Technically it’s gonna be three of us in there.”
“I’ll make it work.” He smiled.
After I slipped out of my clothes, he did the same. Sig got in the tub behind me and wrapped his arms around my body, placing his palms over my stomach. My back leaned against his chest. The plan was for me to relax, but it seemed the baby had other ideas. It started kicking pretty aggressively.
Sig laughed. “My goodness. What’s going on in there?”
“He or she wants to come out and splash, I think.” I giggled.
“Is the kicking more active than usual today?”
“Definitely. Maybe the baby senses my anxiety.”
He kissed the back of my neck. “Talk to me, beautiful. Why are you still anxious? I’m doing everything possible to help you relax tonight.”
“It’s nothing you’ve done. But I still have a lot on my mind.”
“Tell me what’s going on.”
I couldn’t afford to keep my thoughts inside any longer. We were running out of time. “I don’t know if I’m ready to be a mother,” I blurted.
His body stiffened behind me. “You think me telling you I loved you meant I was expecting something more from you now? I wasn’t, Abby. I was simply expressing my undeniable feelings. The conflicts we have yet to face don’t change the fact that I’ve fallen in love with you. And my love for you doesn’t change the fact that I still think what’s best for you is to move on with your life. But it’s impossible for me to encourage that anymore. I don’t want you to leave. But no one is asking you to be a mother or expecting that.” He expelled a long breath against my neck. “Incidentally, I’m nowhere near ready to be a father, so I can relate. I’m no more prepared for this situation because I’m the biological father.”
Panic built inside of me. Even if he wasn’t ready to admit it, I knew Sig would ultimately decide to raise his child. It didn’t matter if he was ready, this washischild. He seemed at peace with allowing Phil and Kate to raise it, but once he saw his and Britney’s baby, he wouldn’t be able to let it go. And I couldn’t allow this precious baby to get used to having me around, only to have my relationship with Sig fall apart once life after the surrogacy set in.
There were too many unknowns. Too many risks. Would his child with Britney be an everyday reminder of how much he loved her? Would whatever he felt for me pale in comparison? Would the stress of raising a baby put a damper on the love fog we’d been in? Would it change everything? The bottom line was, Sig would always be the baby’s father. But if he and I didn’t work out, I could break this child’s heart. It wasn’t fair. I was too scared to risk hurting this tiny soul, who meant more to me than anything in the world. We were too close to the end to ignore the inevitable any longer.
“When you were talking to my parents earlier, you alluded to going back to the US,” Sig said, as if he could sense the turmoil in my mind. “Is that why you’ve been different? Have you been afraid to tell me that’s what you’ve decided?”
That wasn’t exactly what had been eating at me. But now that we were on the topic, I wasn’t going to run away. “I do think it’s best if I go back, that I don’t get attached to the baby when its born. That I leave after.”
Silence filled the room.
“You’re sure…” he finally said, his tone filled with disappointment.
“No, I’m not,” I admitted. “But as a wise andoldman once told me, ‘Sometimes you have to wager your best guess on the decisions you make, even if it doesn’t feel a hundred-percent comfortable.’ If I don’t make this decision now, it’s only going to get harder. My leaving was always the original plan, right?”
Sig was quiet for a few moments before he answered. “I’ve always said you need to do what’s best for you. I will love and respect you forever, no matter what you decide. But I’m not going to pretend that losing you is something I can easily handle. I promise to support any choice you make despite that.” He paused. “Under one condition.”
“What?”
“Let me have this last month. Don’t distance yourself from me because you’re planning to leave. I need this time with you.” He tightened his grip around me. “Please.”
His request warmed me inside, and also made me uneasy. But there was only one answer, despite my mixed feelings. “Okay. I promise.”
I turned to look at him and immediately regretted it. His eyes were red, like he was trying not to cry. My heart broke, because leaving England went against everything I truly wanted.
After we left the bath, Sig followed me into my room. There was no discussion about where he’d be sleeping tonight; he wasn’t leaving my side. As painful as this day had been, the ache between my legs couldn’t be tamed. I let my towel drop to the floor.
