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“I don’t feel that way anymore. It wasn’t fair for me to use your private words to her as a gauge for how you might feel without even talking to you about it. I was very hormonal and scared for the future at that time, certain I was destined to lose you. I love you so much and was afraid you could never love me back the same way.”
“Why didn’t you tell me what was going on?”
“Honestly? I didn’t want to admit that I’d read one of your private emails.” I shrugged. “And I suppose I also didn’t want to hear that there might have been truth to my fears. That scared me more than anything.”
Sig stood and came to the bed, placing his hand on my cheek. “It is true that I won’t ever love anyone the way I loved her. But it’salsotrue that I won’t love anyone the way I love you. It’s not an either-or situation. My love for each of you is parallel, mutually exclusive and different in ways that could never be compared.” He exhaled. “Writing to Britney has been my way of keeping her alive, in a sense. It’s helped me to gather my thoughts and release my emotions when I didn’t feel comfortable talking to anyone else. I obviously never thought anyone would know about those emails.”
“I think it’s beautiful.” I took his hand. “And you don’t have to explain it to me.”
“It’s important that I show you some of the recent ones.”
“You don’t need to do that, Sig. It’s none of my business.”
“Iamyour business now.” He looked into my eyes. “We are each other’s business. You nearly gave your life to deliver Alex. There’s nothing you haven’t the right to know or see, Abby. Truly.”
He took out his phone and scrolled through before handing it to me.
“Read as many of them as you’d like. I have nothing to hide from you. I actually wrote to her last night while you were sleeping. Start with that one and take your time.” He stood. “I’ll go get coffee, give you some space.”
He left the room before I could protest. I looked down and hesitantly clicked on his most recent email to her.
Dear Britney,
Where do I begin?
Congratulations, Mum. Our son is here. His name is Alexander, after your last name. We plan to call him Alex. But you likely know all this. I’ve never felt your presence more strongly than in the past forty-eight hours.
He has your eyes. It’s like looking into your soul again and getting to see you looking back at me. It’s the most amazing feeling. The light at the end of the tunnel after the second-hardest but most beautiful day of my life—the day he was born.
We could’ve lost him. We could’ve lost Abby. I’d never been so scared, but perhaps I made it through because I knew in my heart that your spirit was with me the entire time. I prayed, but I lost a lot of trust in God when He didn’t save you. So I wondered whether He was listening. It seemed He was. Or was it you? Did you pull some strings up there when you weren’t cavorting with your childhood crush Heath Ledger?
As I watch our son sleeping right now, I wonder how it was ever possible that I tried to stop this from happening. I was only ever scared to bring him into this world without you here. But you are here, aren’t you? You’re in him. Alive in him. None of this would’ve been possible were it not for you. I’ll never know why you were meant to be an angel, and I was meant to soldier on here. But I’m so grateful to continue to be blessed by your spirit.
I wouldn’t put it past you to have sent me Abby, either. Only you could have known who would be perfect for me. Only you could have known the person I needed to bring me back to life. After all, were it not for you, I never would’ve known what love was, wouldn’t have recognized that it’s love I’ve been feeling for Abby for quite some time.
How lucky am I to have been blessed with two loves in my lifetime? What did I do to deserve that?
I promise you our son will always know who his mother was, how much his father loved you. How you loved Alex even before he was here when you told your mother you wished to live on through your yet-to-be-born child. As I look at Alex sleeping now, I’m overwhelmed with love for you. And I’m overwhelmed with love for the woman sleeping right next to him, the woman who brought him—a piece of you—into this world. A piece of you back to me.
Britney, my love, when you knew you were close to leaving this world, you made me promise that I would be open to love again someday. I looked you in the eyes and told you that would never happen, that it was impossible. At the time, that’s what I believed. I now realize I didn’t have a choice in the matter. As much as I didn’t want to fall in love with anyone else, I have. Very deeply and unconditionally. Please know that in no way diminishes what you and I shared, the love I have for you. You made me the man I am today. You made me capable of loving.
I will spend the rest of my life making you proud as I raise our son to be the best man he can be. Don’t worry, I’ll teach him to do the opposite of everything I did when I was younger.
I promise to write soon and keep you updated every step of the way.
Goodbye for now, my angel.
Your love,
Sigmund
CHAPTER 52
Abby
Track 52: “I Do” by Colbie Caillat
Sig took a while to come back. He must’ve thought I was sifting through all of those emails, but I’d only read the one. It didn’t matter what the others said because I’d seen everything I would ever need to see. That most recent message said it all.
