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Once outside, we stood in front of my car in the chilly evening air. We faced each other in tense silence for a few moments.
“I just wanted to say goodbye, since I probably won’t ever see you again,” she told me. “We got off on the wrong foot, but I know your attitude isn’t about me. It can’t be. I’ve done nothing wrong.” She chuckled. “Well, besides crash into your car. I’ll take full responsibility for that.”
I nodded. “As you should.”
She hesitated. “I also noticed you outside earlier, shortly after I arrived. You seemed deep in thought and upset. That’s when I realized the problem is much bigger than me.”
I scoffed. “How do you know I wasn’t mourning the pristine condition of my car?”
She seemed unamused by my attempt at humor. “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, Sig. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a spouse. But Idoknow what it’s like to lose someone. And it sucks. It changes a person. I’m just… I’m really sorry for you.” Abby’s eyes began to water.
“Save your tears. I’m fine.”
She wiped her cheek. “You don’t seem fine.”
I had the immediate urge to get in my car and take off, but leaving her here, with her glistening eyes begging me to say something more, didn’t feel right. She’d come all this way. At the very least, I owed her a proper thank you for making the journey. Before I could figure out the appropriate words, she spoke again.
“You were right, actually.”
“Right about what?”
“There is a bit more to my motivation.” She wrapped her hands around her arms to stave off the cold. “I’ve been feeling lost for the past few years. I lost my grandmother, then my mother, and then the store, which was their legacy. My boyfriend then decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore. After losing almost everyone who meant something to me, I realized my happiness had always been derived from other people.” She looked up at the sky. “That was a hard realization. I had no clue how to be satisfied with just myself and no one else. If happiness comes from within, I’ve yet to figure out how to achieve that.” She exhaled. “So I figured the next best thing is to makeothershappy until I can get there on my own. Offering to be a surrogate was my way of making that happen and also giving myself a purpose when I don’t seem to have one. The way I saw it, I had two choices. I could sit around and waste another year trying to figure my life out, or actually do something to make a difference in someone else’s.” She shook her head. “But none of that matters, because it’s clearyouaren’t ready for this.”
I stared into her eyes. “You’re right.”
“Why did you agree to it?”
I exhaled. “I suppose, like you, I wanted to make others happy. I didn’t want to let Phil and Kate down.”
“This is a big decision. Even if they raise the baby, it would be life-changing for you. You don’t owe anyone anything, Sig.”
“I owe it to my wife to do what she would’ve wanted.”
“She would’ve wanted you to be happy and at peace more than anything else.”
In my heart, I knew Abby was right, and her words gave me surprising relief. She seemed to be on my side and understood where I was coming from—that calmed me a bit. I’d been rushing to get this over with, because I feared if I slowed down, I’d change my mind and disappoint my in-laws. I felt obligated and stuck. But I should’ve given myself time to figure out whether having a child was something I could handle.
“Thank you for your words. They’re very insightful.”
She raised her brow. “Are you mocking me?”
I laughed. “Given my behavior today, I can understand why you would assume that. But no. That was probably the most genuine thing I’ve said all day.”
She chuckled. “Well, I never know with you.”
I blew out some air, my breath visible in the chill of the night. “You came all this way. You shouldn’t have to fly back so soon. At the very least, give yourself a holiday. Stay at the inn. Lavinia fancies you. It’ll be good for her, too.”
“I never actually changed my ticket,” she admitted. “I considered it and checked on alternate flights, but I decided to stay the week and go somewhere else in England. I’m not going to let you rain on my parade, Benedictus.” She winked. “But if you don’t mind, I’d love to stay here with Lavinia.”
“Of course. Enjoy it. She’ll welcome the company.”
“Thank you.”
“And I’ll stay out of your hair.” Our eyes locked for a moment before I moved toward my car. “Very well, then. I’d better get going.”
“Okay.” She took a few steps back toward the door. “Have a good night.”
“You as well.” I nodded. “Good luck to you.”
