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“Ah.” I sat down.
She pressed play again. A brown-haired woman who looked an awful lot like an older version of Abby was being interviewed. The reporter followed her around a shop that seemed to be exploding with T-shirts and knickknacks.
I looked over at Abby. She was quiet, her eyes glued to the screen. She looked like she was about to cry. I realized that she, like me, truly understood loss. That might have been why she had so much patience with me. Like Britney, Abby’s mother had been too young to die.
“When you reopen the shop someday, I have first dibs on the giant lobster hat,” I announced.
She turned to me and smiled. “You got it.” Her eyes lingered on mine. She was trying to read me, probably wondering why I’d decided to joke around after having been a miserable prick most of the day.
But I couldn’t handle it, the intensity of her eyes. The only thing worse, perhaps, was when she’d caughtmestaring at her that night at the pub. For many reasons, I quite liked looking at her. Which was unsettling. It wasn’t just because she was pretty. That was the obvious reason. But I also liked tolistento her. Her voice was pleasant. And when in conversation, she spoke with conviction, always connected to what the other person was saying. I liked to observe that, even if it was my dirty little secret. It had to be done stealthily. I’d vowed never to let her catch me doing it again.
I cleared my throat. “Well, the timer is set for dinner. It should go off in about thirty minutes. I’m going to head back to London.”
The light in Abby’s eyes dimmed. “You’re not staying to eat with us?”
“No,” I said as I grabbed my coat. “You two enjoy it.”
CHAPTER 11
Sig
Track 11: “Memories” by Maroon 5
That night, desperate to drown out the day, I decided to arrange a meet-up with a woman I’d met some time ago on a dating app. I’d hooked up with Alaina once, and I wasn’t normally one for encores, but quick and easy was what I needed tonight—something to ensure that I felt nothing, least of all the emotion of what had taken place today.
When Alaina showed up at my flat, she looked ready to pounce, dressed in a tight, red getup and thigh-high leather boots. “I’m surprised you called,” she said as she entered. “I didn’t think I’d hear from you again. What’s been going on?”
“I’m not in the mood to talk, if that’s okay.”
Her eyes lit up. “Fine with me.” She tossed her purse. “The last time wedidn’ttalk was one of the most memorable nights of my life, so…”
I pulled her toward me, kissing her hard and willing myself to escape into this forced connection.Thiswas it, the life I was used to. Empty. Meaningless. Worry free. No fears for the future. Just…numbness. Moving my lips over hers with greater force, I somehow felt worse with each second that passed. Feeling nothing was the goal, yet this had the opposite effect, causing me to feel negative emotions like disgust. I’d wanted this woman here to take my mind off of today, yet there was no part of me that actually wantedher.
My phone chimed. “One moment…” I pulled away from the disaster I’d started, rubbing my bottom lip before reaching for my phone.
It was a text from Abby.
Abby: The shrimp dish was really good. Thanks for making it. I do wish you’d stayed for dinner, but I understand why you didn’t. Today must have been a lot for you. It was a lot for me. More than I imagined it would be. I hadn’t watched that video of my mother since before she died. This was the first time I’d seen her or heard her voice. It was heartbreaking and beautiful all at once. But I needed my mom today. We try to hide from memories because it hurts. But sometimes what we really need is to remember.
I let her words soak in. She was right. What I needed to fix my problem was not escape but to allow in everything I’d been trying to push away. I’d been blocking thoughts of Britney, because going there for even a second made me tremendously sad—for all she had missed out on today, for all she’d be missing out on, in general. But the effort of blocking her from my mind was probably more exhausting than just letting everything in.
“What’s wrong?” Alaina asked.
“Huh?” I felt dazed, still staring down at Abby’s text.
“Is everything okay? You look like someone died.”
Someone did die. Just not tonight.“Yeah, uh…” I finally looked up from my phone. “I’m sorry. I…I can’t do this tonight.”
“What?” Her face reddened. “Why did you call me, then?”
“I thought I needed it, but…” I shook my head. “It wasn’t what I need.”
“Well,Ineeded it,” she spat. “Thanks for wasting my time.”
“I’m sorry,” I muttered, turning away. It was an arsehole move. She had every right to be pissed at me. I just didn’t have the mental capacity to care at the moment.
Alaina grabbed her coat and stormed out the door, leaving a trail of muttered expletives in her wake. I deserved each and every one of them.
