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Not sure why, but I listened to her. I closed my eyes and pulled air in and out. It was rare that I took the time to pause and experience being in the moment. While I generally preferred being alone, I rarely allowed my mind to quiet. This felt foreign but not unpleasant, and perhaps needed, particularly because I was focused on the sounds of nature outside rather than my internal monologue.
When I opened my eyes, Abby still had hers closed. She really was stunning, the nostrils of her perfect, upturned nose flaring a bit with each breath she took. Her lips parted.
When she opened her eyes, I turned away.Why do I always get caught staring at her?
“Why were you looking at me?” she asked. “You were supposed to close your eyes.”
A rush of heat traveled from the base of my neck to the top of my head as I said nothing.
“Did you even close your eyes at all?” she asked.
“I did. Then I got bored. You’re more interesting than the darkness, I guess.”
“What a compliment. A step up from pure darkness.”
“While I like being alone, I don’t like quiet. It was nice for a while when I was listening to the animal sounds. But then I lost focus.”
“It’s too powerful, right? No distractions? Having to reflect andfeelwithout turning to anything else?”
“That’s precisely why I can’t do it for long.”
Her eyes seared into mine. “Tolerating stillness is an art form. Something I’m still working on. I was actually struggling myself.”
“Struggling with drowning out your thoughts?” I asked.
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“What were you thinking about?”
“I was trying to gauge whether the fact that I don’t feel any different means anything when it comes to the implantation. I’ve always suspected I would somehow know if I were pregnant. But I feel exactly the same.” She turned toward me. “Are you secretly hoping I’m not?”
I pondered that, knowing I owed her an honest answer. “I don’t know what I’m wishing for, Abby. On some level, I’d be relieved if you weren’t, but not entirely. It’s complicated. But it doesn’t matter, does it, if we’re going to try again anyway?”
“What if none of them work? There are only a limited number of embryos.”
While the prospect of that brought me some relief, it was also heartbreaking. Truly heartbreaking. Because once they were gone, that was it.
“If it doesn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be,” I said.
Her mouth curved downward. “I feel like that, too. But I would be really sad for Phil and Kate.”
“It’s not worth speculating about something that hasn’t happened, though.”
My phone rang, and I looked down to find it was Lourdes, a woman I’d hung out with over a year ago. She’d been texting me lately to get together, and I’d been ignoring her messages. I silenced the ringer.
“Who was that?” Abby asked.
“Someone named—none of your business.”
“A woman? Is that why you’re in such a rush to get back to London?”
“Trust me, I haven’t met anyone worth rushing anywhere for.”
“Well, excuse me, Mr. Picky.”
I rolled over a bit to face her, resting my chin on my hand. “You think it’s odd to be selective?”
“I don’t think you’re being selective. I think you’re closed off toeveryone. There’s a difference.”
