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“Nothing good can come from us spending too much time together, Abby. Even if we don’t intend to grow close, that’s bound to happen if we’re constantly around each other.”
“So you think us getting close is a bad idea...” She walked a few steps in silence. “I understand. I might even agree.”
“Right.” I slipped my hands into my pockets. “It wouldn’t be good for you to get close to me.”
“I see where you’re coming from.” She knocked into me playfully. “But you’re like…a black and white cookie.”
“Christ, here we go!” I yelled up toward the sky. “You and the food references again. Black and white cookie? What the hell does that mean?”
“You know those cookies that are split down the middle? One side is white and the other is black—or chocolate. Everything is black or white to you. You only want to view me the way you think you should: as someone you need to have a boundary with because I’m the surrogate. But being a surrogate doesn’t change the essence of who I am. I’malsoa woman in a new place looking for a pleasurable time and to make memories. I’m both of those things, a surrogateanda woman.” She paused. “And similarly, you can also know it’s not a good idea to get close to me andlikeme at the same time. Life is complicated that way.”
I kicked some dirt. “Why do your stupid analogies always make sense in the end?”
“I’m brilliant like that.”
We shared a smile.
“Who said I like you anyway?” I teased.
“It could be just a delusion of mine. But you did say men wouldn’t want to share me. And then you disappeared after that night I spent at your apartment. I feel like you’re keeping your distance to ensure no lines are crossed.”
“If Ididlike you, you realize that would be dangerous, right? The success of this entire endeavor depends on neither one of us getting emotionally involved. You need to be able to go back to the US and resume your life. And I need the ability to let go, if that’s what’s best for this child.”
She stopped walking and faced me. “You think what’s best for this child is a life away from its father?”
Her question cut like a knife. I didn’t have the answer, except to say, “I have no business raising another human alone, so yes. Phil and Kate are perfectly capable and still young enough.”
“So you’re firm in your decision to let them raise it? I wasn’t sure if seeing the ultrasound changed anything for you.”
My chest tightened as I thought about that little beating heart. I only wanted what was best for it, never wanted to disappoint it. There was so much fear inside of me when it came to that tiny soul.
“I can’t tell you how I’m going to feel once the baby is here,” I said as we resumed walking. “But as of now? My original decision stands. Phil and Kate made it clear they’re happy with that.”
“I hear you,” she muttered, disappointment in her tone.
Our conversation ceased for a while, replaced by the sound of crickets. Eventually I couldn’t stand the silence any longer. “So…howdidyour date go?”
“Oh, now he asks.” She flashed an impish grin.
“Just changing the topic off of the deeper stuff.”
“It went well, actually. But I’m not sure it’s worth pursuing anything. I don’t love the idea of dating a coworker. And it feels sort of deceptive going out with someone and not divulging the very important fact that I’m pregnant.” She expelled a long breath. “So I’m not sure how to handle things.”
“He hasn’t asked you out again?”
“Oh, he has. More than once. I’ve just been putting him off.”
Grinding my teeth, I nodded, feeling selfish relief about her hesitation.
Then she changed the subject. “I told my sister today—about the pregnancy.”
“You never talk about your sister.”
“We’re not that close. She’s older by five years, very judgmental, and doesn’t always understand me. As expected, she had a lot to say about my decision to be a surrogate.”
I didn’t like that at all. “What did she say?”
“She doesn’t understand why I wanted to do this—sort of like you in the beginning. Except it’s already happened. So her judging me at this point is not helpful.”
