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I didn’t like the troubled look in her eyes. What had started as a light and flirtatious phone call had turned into anything but. “Talk to me. What are you thinking right now?”
“Will we even see each other again, Sig? Or is your plan to just disappear from my life?”
I didn’t have a quick answer to that. “I don’t have a plan.” I couldn’t emphasize that enough. “But never seeing you again doesn’t sit right with me at all. I couldn’t imagine that, Abby.”
“Well, I think it would be too painful for me to see you—if we’re not together.”
I blinked in surprise. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying… I’m afraid I’ve already fallen too far. Despite trying to downplay my feelings, Iamfalling for you. Something you warned me not to do. And the distance between us isn’t changing how I feel. All that does is prevent the physical part. What’s been getting me through my days is knowing I get to talk to you every night. And I realize now how dangerous that is, if it’s going to go away.”
“Yeah…” I muttered, realizing how ill-prepared I was for the “after” of this surrogacy situation. It was foolish to think either one of us could turn off our feelings just because that’s what we weresupposedto do once the baby came and we went our separate ways. I’d not been allowing myself to ponder the after because I’d been having too good of a time living in the moment. I never wanted these days to end, and yet theywould, whether I liked it or not.
“Your flaws, your hang-ups, your emotional fucked-upness—none of that scares me. Your complexities draw me to you more. They make you real. Vulnerable.” She shook her head slowly. “And your love for Britney? The fact that I know you were at one time capable of giving someone your whole heart? Loving her so much it broke you for all others? Ironically, it’s one of the most attractive things about you.”
I wanted to say so much, yet my throat felt like it was closing.
“I can’t imagine what you went through, what you’re still going through,” she continued. “It’s hard to lose a parent, but I imagine there’s a special kind of pain that comes with losing your soulmate. And I’m not going to undermine that by expecting you to have the same kinds of feelings for me.” She exhaled. “So the bottom line is, I need to get over you, get over whatever this is that we’ve built, because we’ll have to tear it down when the time is up. I need to start protecting my heart. I miss you terribly right now, but I think I have to figure out how to walk away after the baby comes.”
Protecting her heart made a lot of sense, of course. But I couldn’t imagine her disappearing from my life.How can I fix this?My stomach felt uneasy as I finally mustered the words. “I wouldn’t be okay with never seeing you again.”
“Maybe you’re stronger than me, if you think you could handle that.” Her eyes glistened. “Every day we’re closer to the end of this journey. And every day I’m trying harder not to fall for you. Those two things contradict each other. It can’t continue like this.” She looked like she was about to cry.
Fuck.“This is all my fault, Abby. All my fucking fault. I told myself I wasn’t going to hurt you, and it seems I’ve already gone and done it.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m just as much at fault here. You told me not to fall for you. It doesn’t get any clearer than that. I shouldn’t have played with fire.” She wiped her eyes. “I’d better go, okay?”
A wave of panic hit. “I don’t want to say goodbye if you’re upset.”
“I’ll be better tomorrow. I think it’s just the hormones or something.”
Bullshit.
“I have to go.” She sniffled. “I’m sorry.”
Then she hung up.
A hollow feeling developed in my chest as I lay in bed, staring at the dark screen. I was a bit frozen for a moment, but then that changed.
I knew exactly what I needed to do.
CHAPTER 36
Abby
Track 36: “Come to Me” by Goo Goo Dolls
I wasn’t sure how tonight’s call with Sig was going to go. After the mess I’d made last night, blurting out all my feelings and then essentially hanging up, I wouldn’t have blamed him if he preferred to skip it.
But I hadn’t been able to help my reaction. I’d needed to let him know where my head was—that I wasin overmy head with him. But I’d handled things poorly. I’d been too emotional and had shut down the conversation, even though I’d started it.
When I agreed to be the surrogate, I’d promised myself I wouldn’t get attached to the baby. But I hadn’t been counting on the possibility of falling for its father. This baby was now more to me than an infant I was carrying for “someone else.” It was the child of the man I was falling in love with. That didn’t change the job I had to do, though. I knew that. And it didn’t change the boundaries I needed to set. It just made things harder.
“Going upstairs for your call?” my father asked, looking over at the clock.
“In a few.”
My dad knew the drill—this was the time of day, about an hour before dinnertime, when I always went upstairs to talk to Sig. While I’d admitted to Dad that Sig and I had crossed the line, he didn’t know specifics and didn’t care to know too much. I couldn’t blame him. But he understood that I’d developed feelings for the man. I always spoke of Sig in a positive light now, so my father didn’t have any reason to dislike him anymore. He worried about me getting my heart broken, though.Join the club.
