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“It wasn’t. But I have to remind myself Mark isn’t Rob. Nor am I the same person I was back then, either. If I’d just turned around and gone home, I know I would’ve regretted it.”
“Do you feel stronger?”
“I do. And less scared if it doesn’t work out. If that makes sense.”
I wasn’t scared because I wasn’t going to give another human being the responsibility for my happiness. Only I was in control of that. Bottom line was that I had no idea where Mark was in his head with this. With us. I still wanted a relationship with him, but I had to be okay if it didn’t work out. Not only for me, but also for my son.
“It does. You’ve been through hell and came out on the other side. Now that you know you can, you can go into this wiser.”
“Although I feel bad about it, I do need to leave in another hour or so. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Besides, one night away from my son is enough.”
“Even if it wasn’t Christmas, I’d suggest you go home. You need to put some boundaries on what you can be for Mark. Let him deal with the things only he can do for himself.”
I managed a nod and then posed the question I knew was probably unfair, but I had to ask. “Given how much he loved Sarah, do you think it’s possible for him to move on? To love someone else?”
“I wish I could tell you what you’re hoping to hear, but I don’t know for certain. I will say I’ve seen plenty of people move on from losing their significant other and find love again. But recognize that if he can’t, it’s not on you.”
“Maybe instead of carpool karaoke, they should totally start a segment called carpool therapy.”
He grinned and pulled into the parking lot. Turning off the engine, he turned toward me. “This session may not be easy for you. If you need to leave at any time, I’d certainly understand and I think so would Mark.”
Right, because at the end of it, Mark and I could be no better off than when I’d left the first time. But I was genuinely curious to hear what he had to say.
* * *
Mark showedup looking newly shaved and out of the shower. Other than his red, bloodshot eyes, he didn’t seem too much the worse for wear. His gaze landed on mine and then flicked toward Dr. Mac. “Do you mind giving us a few minutes?”
He smiled at us both. “Not at all. How about I come back in five? I forgot my notebook in the car, anyhow.”
I wasn’t sure what to expect, but when the door shut, I hadn’t counted on Mark stepping close and putting his arms around me. I instantly melted against him, absorbing the emotion pouring from such an all-consuming hug.
“I’m sorry for earlier. I should’ve been thanking you for coming instead of trying to get you to leave. I’m glad you’re here.”
“Me, too. But why didn’t you tell me you were this upset?”
He stepped back, cupping my face. “Same reason you didn’t tell me the same thing, I suppose. I thought you were moving on. Besides, I couldn’t give you what you deserved.”
No, he couldn’t. But could he now?
Five minutes later, Mark and I sat on the couch, close to each other but not touching, while Dr. Mac took the single chair.
As I recounted what Mark had said to me last night in his drunken confusion, I watched his jaw clench when I got to the part about Sarah’s accusation he’d had cold feet.
Mark’s mouth opened and shut. Then he sighed and revealed the whole story. “Two days before Sarah died, I asked if we could postpone the wedding. She called it cold feet. I thought I was only being practical, considering we had law school to finish and the bar exam to study for. As far as I was concerned, we had plenty of time. She was upset and went to stay with her parents. She called me the night it happened and told me she had some things she wanted to talk to me about. She said she was on her way home. Then she never showed up.”
My heart broke for him as I listened to him recount that tragic night. I couldn’t help speaking what was on my mind. “Mark, I didn’t know Sarah, but I know you. I believe you both would’ve worked things out.”
“But we didn’t, because she died. Because I’d upset her enough she went to go stay with her parents, and so she was on the road at the time of her aneurism. For all I know, she could’ve been coming over to break things off permanently.”
Dr. Mac put in his opinion. “Considering she didn’t tell her parents about any of it, I’d say that was never her intention.”
Mark sighed, taking my hand. “It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted this to anyone other than Dr. Mac. Her parents thought I was out of town and that’s why she’d gone to stay with them. I didn’t even confide in Brian or Josh about our fight.”
“I’m glad you could tell me.” Because his last argument with Sarah had a lot to do with why he had a hard time moving on.
“I’m sorry if it’s hard to hear me speak about her.”
“It’s not a competition. I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. I know you loved her, and I certainly never wanted you to have to hide it. Although the circumstances are completely different, I have regrets and guilt about Rob, too. Wondering if I should’ve seen the signs sooner of his drug use. Gotten him help.” As I admitted it out loud, I saw Dr. Mac’s encouraging smile.
