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“We all wish hindsight would’ve afforded us opportunities which we couldn’t possibly have seen at the time,” he remarked.
We both sat there absorbing his words until Dr. Mac asked the next burning question. “Did you feel guilty being happy with Juliette and planning a future with her?”
Mark hesitated. “I wish I hadn’t.”
Therein lay a big problem. His guilt. Unless he could get past it and stop blaming himself, we didn’t stand a chance.
Dr. Mac adjusted his glasses before asking, “Do you think Sarah wouldn’t want you to be happy?”
“I know she would’ve, but how do I reconcile having told her that she was the love of my life to finding that someone else could be the same?”
His admission might’ve caused me pain if I hadn’t thought I’d married the supposed love of my life, too. The big difference, however, was that Rob had systematically destroyed our future. Sarah’s had been tragically cut short.
“Juliette, I’d like to hear what you’re thinking at this point.” Dr. Mac turned toward me.
I knew I needed to own up to my part in undermining the relationship. “I think...” I hesitated. “I think I should’ve been more honest with Mark about how I was feeling.”
“How’s that?” Mark’s gaze completely focused on me, and he looked surprised by my admission.
“I didn’t tell him how much it hurt me to be a secret to everyone. How it affected my self-esteem profoundly. I should’ve told him how much it was upsetting me. How it brought up a lot of insecurity because of my past.”
“Why do you think you kept it from him?”
I swallowed hard. “Because I was afraid it was all me. So I discounted my feelings and thought that if I ignored them I’d be able to skip past anything that could potentially ruin things.”
Mark squeezed my hand. “You weren’t the only one. I didn’t set out with the intention of hiding you or us, but I was struggling with how to tell our friends. I felt so damn guilty for moving on. And I’m so fucking sorry for not realizing that what I was doing was hurting you.”
“And I’m sorry for letting it get to the point where it all came to a head. I should’ve told you how I felt sooner.”
The question was where did this leave us? While we were both regretful, did that give us a future? Or was this closure on a relationship that never truly had a chance?
I listened for another thirty minutes while Dr. Mac spoke about the importance of being honest in our communication and about our pasts. Then I found myself glancing at my phone. Despite wanting to stay with Mark, I needed to get back to Tristan.
“You need to get home, don’t you?”
I afforded Mark an apologetic smile. “I do. What will you do for Christmas?” I halfway hoped he’d want to come down to Charlotte to spend the holiday with me, but I knew that step was premature.
“I normally spend it with Sarah’s family.”
Right. I should’ve expected that.
“As long as you’re not alone.” I meant it. Even if he wasn’t with me.
I stood up, and Mark did the same, holding onto one of my hands.
“Can I call you?”
“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”
Maybe we were simply meant to be friends. Put in one another’s lives to help us work through our painful pasts. Regardless, I knew I’d made the right choice in coming up here.
* * *
Brian pickedme up and drove us both to the airport since he was going home, too.
“How are you?”
I’d been asked that a lot today, but considering the emotional gauntlet of the last twenty-four hours, it was a fair question. I took stock of my feelings. “Better than I was the last time I left. I wish I could make this better for him. Know what the future held and even if there will be an us. That’s the toughest part.”
