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She didn’t answer me right away but looked out the window as if she was either trying to avoid the question or didn’t know how to answer it. After a moment, she turned to look at me. I gave her a sideways glance as I moved through traffic.
“I’m not pulling away from you, not exactly. I had a great time; it was wonderful being with you. Really, that was one of the best dates I’ve been on in years. But we can’t forget who our parents are and what’s going on with them. I agreed to see you, but I thought you understood we had to be careful. That means not grabbing each other’s hands and looking like lovesick teenagers.”
“Taking your hand is not me being a lovesick teenager. It was showing you some affection as we walked to the car. I wanted you to see how much I enjoyed the night.”
“I did too. Next time, can you just tell me?”
It wasn’t the answer I wanted, but it didn’t surprise me. She had been honest and upfront with her concern about us being seen. She said she had gotten over it, moved past it, but I could see that wasn’t the case. I wondered if something had happened for her to think that. Or if it was just something she was never going to get over.
“What would you say if I told you that I couldn’t do that? The last couple of weeks have shown me that I like being with you and want to do it more. I want to be able to be seen with you in public, to take your hand, to hold you, and even kiss you if I want. What would you say if I told you if I couldn’t do those things, then I don’t want to be with you? I want it all or nothing.”
“You can’t say something like that to me.”
“Why? It’s the truth. Have you never had a guy be honest with you? Tell you that he wanted to be with you and didn’t want to hide it? What assholes have you been dating in the past?”
“Apparently, not the right ones. Why does the right one have to be you?” she whispered.
I don’t think she meant to say the last part aloud or to the point that I could hear it. But I had, and it helped me to see what she was so worried about. I reached over and took her hand in mine and squeezed it. She did the same and looked over at me.
When we stopped at a light, I turned to look at her. “This is a lot. This is scary, I know. I have never felt this way about anyone either. At times, I’m not sure what to do with it all. But all I have to do is spend some time with you, even five seconds, and I know I want to spend more. I get that you’re scared. I am too. Why don’t we be scared about this together and see where it goes?”
“Why did you have to come along now?”
“Just lucky, I guess.”
The light changed, and I drove down the street and gave Victoria some time to think about what I said. I understood why she was so hesitant. She could see that this wasn’t just some random thing but something bigger and could be longer lasting. It wasn’t just that we could be found out about being together but what it could be like for us long term. And for our parents.
Personally, I believed it was something they could figure out on their own. All I cared about was Victoria and being with her.
“I’ve lived in my mother’s shadow my entire life. Half the reason I wanted to get the house on my own was so she could never say she helped. I’ve been trying to get away from her, from her influence, from the hold that she has over me for some time. If anyone found out about us, it would only pull me back in with her. It’s how her brain works; it’s all about her. Do you know she even thought you two could have a thing?”
“There’s no way I would ever date your mother. Besides the fact that she’s your mother and my stepmother, I’m not attracted to her at all. Though it doesn’t surprise me that she would say that.”
“See? That’s what I’m dealing with. Her, her life, her world, my connection to it all. I have my career to think about, my own sanity. To get involved with you, for it to be as public as you want, would only cause more attention to be brought to me right when I was trying to get away from it. I didn’t know if I could do it. And when we were in the restaurant when no one cared who we were, I thought I could. But all it took was being outside, thinking about what would happen if someone took a picture of us, for all those worries and insecurities to come rushing back. Can you see that?”
I could. I admired what she was doing and how she was doing it. It took a lot of guts to walk away from not only her mother but her money. I was lucky and had made my own money and fortune. Victoria, on a teacher’s salary, was going to have a harder time getting ahead. I was impressed that she had saved enough money to buy a house, and it only showed me how driven and independent she was.
They were traits that I admired about her, but she didn’t have to do that with me. I wanted to be there to support her. I wanted her to lean on me in the same way I wanted to lean on her. I understood it was going to be difficult for her to change her thinking, but she should and needed to when it came to us.
“What you do should have no bearing on your mother and vice versa. You say you’re trying to become your own woman, then do that and be with me.”
“That isn’t how that works.”
We had pulled up to her apartment, and I found a parking spot and turned off the car. I undid my seatbelt and turned to look at her. “It can if you want it to. Can you give us a chance? Please?”
“I need some time to figure this out. I’m glad we went out, but I can’t just jump into something with you even if that’s what we did. That includes not inviting you or sleeping with you again. I need to take a moment, catch my breath.”
“Let me catch it with you.”
“I need to do this alone. Thank you for a lovely evening, but I should go.”
“No. We aren’t done talking about this. Let me come up, and we can figure this out. I don’t want this to be the last time we see each other.”
“It isn’t. I promise. I just need a few days. Can you give me that?”
I wanted to push, to go inside, and talk to her more. But I knew I couldn't. I admired her independence and ability to make a decision. And I couldn't get mad at her when she used it on me. “Yes. I will. But this isn’t over. I will give you a week to call me. Otherwise, I’m coming and talking to you. Don’t keep me waiting.”
She looked at me as if she wanted to protest, but she didn’t, and I took it as a small victory. She still wanted to see me, and she might even have been glad that I gave her such a deadline. But as she got out of the car and walked back to her apartment, I only hoped she would call me before then. After being around her, I couldn’t wait to see her again, and a week seemed like an awfully long time.
