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His hands fist at his sides as if trying to rein himself back in. “Did you sleep with him?”
I take a step away, wondering if this was a bad idea. “Yes, we share a bed.”
“But did you fuck him?” His voice is low and gruff, like each word is being painfully ripped from him.
“Is this really what you want to do?”
“Did you fuck him?” His voice is a snarl now, but he doesn’t come any closer.
“No, I haven’t fucked him,” I whisper back. My anger demands my pound of flesh, but the pain in his voice hurts me far more than I care to admit.
He takes a step toward me, and I back up until I feel the sofa behind my legs stopping me from going any farther. His hand cups my cheek while the other slides over my hip, his nose skimming mine as he stares into my eyes.
“I haven’t touched another woman since the day in the coffee shop. It was my penance to pay, but it was so much more than that. Once I had you, there was no going back. No other woman could compete. I might have asked you to marry me for all the wrong reasons, but I meant every fucking word of my vows. I haven’t broken them in the whole time you’ve been gone, and I won’t even if you walk out that door and I never see you again. It doesn’t matter if you don’t want me anymore, Avery. I’ll always be yours.”
Truth.
Tears run down my face, but I don’t bother trying to wipe them away. “I haven’t had sex with anyone else, but…”
He groans like he’s in pain, his forehead pressing against mine. “But you want to.”
“I locked down every emotion after we fell apart. I couldn’t let myself feel because if I opened myself up to the pain, I knew I’d never recover from it. Only I couldn’t hold it all back for long. Once the floodgates opened, it was like a tsunami. That first year, I can barely remember anything. The second year, I managed to fall back into a routine. I’d get up, get dressed, eat when I remembered, go to work, come home, shower, and sleep before repeating it all over again the next day. I wasn’t numb anymore, but I felt hollow and raw. The only time I ever allowed myself to feel anything was when I was with the kids I worked with.”
I blow out a breath before I continue, knowing I’m going to hurt him, but I won’t lie to him. “I didn’t stay single because of you or Hawk. I did it because the thought of opening myself up to another man made me feel violently sick.”
He jolts at my words, his hand on my hip squeezing a little harder.
“When I came back, I would sit in the diner watching you both, trying to find the courage to approach you. I’d spin the wedding rings on my chain, trying to find strength, but you can’t find strength in something that never held any power.”
“The fuck they didn’t.” He pulls back and raises his hand, showing me his wedding band.
I swallow hard. “That wasn’t there before.”
“Like you, I wore it around my neck.”
Truth.
I don’t know what the hell to say to that. I haven’t worn mine since that day in the diner.
“Coming here with the information I did, I had to brace myself. All I knew was that someone here was pregnant and that the baby was in danger. In reality, I knew it could be anyone, but my tortured heart was trying to prepare itself for the fact that you could have a woman and a baby on the way,” I admit out loud for the first time.
“Sitting in the diner each morning, I swore I’d suck it up and approach, but thinking and doing are two very different things.”
“God, no, never. If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone.”
Truth.
I choke out a sob, my hands fisting his shirt. “I was shot. And the men I loved reminded me who they really were, and something in me just broke. Call it hope, call it faith—I don’t know. But after the things you both said to me while I was lying in a hospital bed after having a bullet with your name on it dug out of my shoulder, I knew I was done.”
I grip him tighter and brace myself. He feels my body tense and pulls back just enough to look down at me. “And then there was Evander. Instead of tearing me apart, he tried to put me back together again. He stood up for me, stood against all of you to keep me safe, and he never gave up on me. Nobody has ever done that before. Not even you and Hawk.”
A tear slips free, so I take a deep breath and soldier on. “I haven’t had sex with him. We haven’t crossed that line. But the line blurs every time I’m with him.”
“Have you kissed him?” His voice is empty of any emotion.
I can’t read him, but I answer anyway. “Yes.”
He hisses, but instead of pulling away, he yanks me closer. “Does he kiss you like this?”
