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Vera
A sharp wind picked up after breakfast, bringing with it a chill that cut through the extra layers of clothing they’d put on. Vera tucked her chin into her collar as she watched Teddi circle the structure.
“What do you think it is?”
She wondered the same thing last time she stopped by the large town square. It was the heart from which all of Sylen’s roads bled like arteries.
“Is it a hitching post for horses?” She ran her hand down the length of it, feeling all of the grooves. It was covered in pock-marks like old skin.
They were on their way to Alice Grennan’s house when Teddi made her stop. Vera didn’t understand how it was in such good condition now any more than she had the last time she saw it. It was weird, no doubt. The entire town was well-maintained, even in its lack of infrastructure. This post, or whatever it was, was no different. Sheriff Malis kept his world in order.
Vera shrugged. She was tired. Neither of them slept much and it felt like the day dealt them one emotional blow after another. The autopsy report was in the glove compartment of the SUV behind them. She wanted to light it on fire and watch it turn to nothing but ash. Parking a few blocks from the Grennan’s offered them the chance to get some air. Something both of them needed after the strange encounters with Danielle, Elaine, and Daisy. The way Teddi’s voice went reminiscent at the mention of her father almost had Vera reaching out to touch her.
When they met in a downtown pub in Fort Collins during summer break, Vera never anticipated how important her family would become to Teddi. Her mom disappeared when she was eight, leaving her with the only parental figure left. A dad who thought kids were to be neither seen nor heard. The Aguilars gathered her up from the first moment Vera brought her home and never let her go. She was their bonus daughter, Ximena’s new sister, and Vera hadn’t considered how that fracture may have affected her when they split apart.
“Why would you keep a wood post in the middle of the town square oiled? This is just odd,” Teddi wondered aloud, pulling Vera back to the present.
“I didn’t think about you losing the only family you had, Teddi.”
“What?” She stopped, leaning on the wood beam.
“I didn’t think about you losing my parents. I guess I never really considered it until you said that to Daisy.” She looked away, feeling stupid for missing it after all this time. “I never thought about how it affected you like that, regardless of how we ended.” Vera could admit to herself that she’d been swallowed up in self-pity afterward. She’d been kicked to the curb and it was glaringly obvious she’d never looked beyond her own experience.
Teddi nudged a rock by her boot before answering. “Did you know he called me after everything happened?” Vera hadn’t. The break-up occurred the weekend before the next semester began and she took the opportunity to return to Denver early. She went radio silent for a month from everyone to lick her wounds. “He wanted to make sure I was okay and to tell me that I was always welcome at their house. He and your mom even took me out for my birthday to that Greek restaurant I love.” She remembered the place they frequented multiple times a week. “I kept going to Friday dinners at their house for a while but then it just felt weird, like there was a hole there that time couldn’t fill.” She threw her a crooked smile, trying to soften the blow.
Vera didn’t know she’d gone to family dinners without her. She didn’t even know how attentive her dad had been about it. It was brutal telling her parents about their breakup. Vera was busy planning a future together and Teddi was busy plotting an escape.It was the first time she’d broken down, unable to hold back the floodgates of pain that came with Teddi’s final goodbye.
“I’m glad he called you, no matter what happened. You always deserved to have a family that supported you.” Teddi blinked hard against the wetness filling her eyes. “And your dad is still a grade-A prick, wherever he is.”
A heart-wrenching smile broke out across her face, pinching the edges of her eyes. “That he is.”
Rolling her shoulders back, Vera pointed towards the other side of the road, ready to leave the structure and the pain behind. That tender bud of trust they were building grew a bit bigger, like a flower blooming at its own pace. “Let’s get this over with. I’m ready to collapse.”
“I fucked up.” The words rushed out of her as if she hadn't planned to say them. “I thought…” Teddi wiped at her eyes as she cursed under her breath. “When I ended things I did it because I thought it was what was best for you, not because I wanted to break up.”
Vera couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe as the words pelted her. “What are you talking about?”
“I thought that you were going to do something you’d regret.” Teddi stepped around the post. “I thought you were going to change your plans for me, for us, and I didn’t want you sacrificing your dreams because of me.”
“You broke us up… because of me?” Her brain wasn’t connecting the words, scrambling like a plug that couldn’t find the socket.
A tear trailed down Teddi's cheek and into the side of her mouth. “We were talking about running away together and I was going nowhere. I wasn’t even going to finish my degree once the summer was over and there you were, taking summer classes with a double major, you were so close to graduating early and I was going to end up working at that shitty bar forever. I didn’t…” she sobbed, covering her mouth. “I didn’t want you ruining your life for me.”
Hundreds. That's how many times she had imagined this moment. What excuse Teddi would come up with about why she tore them apart, Teddi begging for her back. What horrible, angry things she would fling back, making sure that she hurt her just as bad. But now that the opportunity was in front of her, all she felt was heavy. The shattered look on her face confirmed Teddi was telling the truth. She just hadn’t considered that Teddi knew how far she had been willing to go to keep them together all along.
Vera thought of the magic 8 ball back in Ximena’s house. The one she asked to predict her future. Once, just once, she wanted so badly to give away her tightly held control to something else. To be told what to do when her heart was splitting in two and she couldn’t hold the pieces together. “I was.” Her voice cracked. “I was going to change my plans to be with you. For us.” The truth was an anvil on her heart.
“I know. You kept saying little things. I don't know if you even realized what you were doing but you were trying to mold your dreams into mine and the truth is, I didn't have any. Not ones worth sacrificing for. I didn’t want to be the thing you regretted years later. I didn’t want to hold you back and I couldn’t take your entire future from you.”
“But you did.” Her laugh was disbelieving. “We had a future and you erased it. It wasn’t for you to make that decision alone. It was up to me to choose how I navigated things, but I wanted to do it by your side! Every single choice was for us to deal with together, as partners.” Vera’s eyes burned. There was nothing to say to make it ok. Neither choice had felt right or good considering where she ended up.
Teddi grabbed her shoulders desperately. “I fucked up and I see that now. All these years… God, all these years I’ve missed you and I’m so sorry that I hurt you and destroyed what we had.”
“I don’t know what you expect me to say.” Her chest felt like it was caving into her spine. Each breath was a herculean effort. Ten years in the making and the reality was nothing like she expected. “Do you want absolution? To pretend it never happened?”
“No. God, no. I just, I don’t know. I just need you to know that I wish I could take it back. I wish I never let you go but I know, fuck, I know in my bones that if I hadn’t you wouldn’t have the life you have now and I’d never take that from you.” Her eyes burned with conviction. “Never, Vera. I wanted you to have everything.”
But she hadn’t gotten everything. In fact, it felt as if she lost both Teddi and her career. What good was having her dreams come to fruition if she had done it with a gaping wound in her chest?
