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“Why are you telling me this now?”
Teddi cupped her face, thumbs tracing the space beneath her cheekbones. She looked at her the way she used to. Like she hung the stars and the sky and every moon. But behind it was an edge of pain and it cut. This is where they ended up. A handful of months where they fell in love so hard they slammed into it, only to find themselves broken apart by the collision. Still shattered. Scarred. Deprived.
“I’m telling you because I don’t know how to fix it by myself and I so desperately want to fix it. I’m so tired of looking for you everywhere I go and pretending not to. I’m done hoping I’ll hear your voice through the phone when you call Ximena or catch you at the store when you visit for the holidays. I look for you in every fucking moment and I’m ready to find you there. I was terrified to be loved by you, did you know that? No one ever saw me like you did. No one supported me or championed me before you. No one. I found a career and a life I love because you believed in me for one glorious moment. It was like my entire life I tried to be my own cheerleader, tried to hold on white-knuckled to get somewhere worth getting, and then boom. There you were. The brightest star in the dark, a map to a place I’d never been and you saw me for who I was. I didn’t know how to keep you and I never figured out how to let you go.”
Her heart sagged. She understood. Because the pain she felt when she would watch Teddi sleep or laugh or smile—that ache that only came with the kind of love that changes the shape of a person's soul—had terrified her too. To hold on or to let go, both options were frightening to a twenty-two-year-old with no concept of what either one cost.
“I don't know what to say. You think you saved me by breaking us apart but you caused…” she blinked against the burn of tears. "The pain you caused has touched every single moment of my life since. I trusted you and relied on you when I had never, ever done that before. One minute we were building a future and the next you were gone. I can't tell you how to fix it because I don't know."
Teddi sobbed as her chin met her chest. She didn't know how to hack away at the miles of scar tissue built up over the years and the realization ached. "But you're right. I was going to change my plans for us and maybe that was unfair. You didn't deserve the burden of that and I can't tell you if we would have survived it. We were young and had no idea what the future held but I wanted one with you."
"I wanted it too," Teddi whispered as her gaze lifted. Her eyes were storm clouds of pain and regardless of her own suffering, Vera hated it. "I never stopped wanting it."
Vera wiped her tears as she gave her the truth she kept hidden even from herself some days. "Me either but I can't tell you it's ok or that it will go back to the way it was because it can't."
"I know. I needed to tell you so that you understood that I never let go and I never stopped regretting it. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Teddi rested their foreheads together. There was a quiver in her hands but she held on as the dust tried to settle.
Vera let herself give in. For just a moment she closed her eyes and let the years of anger and pain give way to the reality of their past. There was no fixing it. There was no going back and there was no changing what was done but they had this. Right now, at last, the truth was between them and it eased the roughest edges like a salve.
She pulled away after a minute, wiping away the fresh tears on Teddi’s face. “You’re cold. Let’s get this over with and we can get something warm to drink.”
Teddi lifted her chin, trying to collect herself. The cold-pinched pink on her nose and cheeks brought out the gold strands in her hair, and the yellow undertones in her skin. Her lips were red and puffy from crying. Vera didn’t bother stopping her instinct to touch them with her own.
A gentle kiss. Barely a brushing pass but it warmed her better than any drink. “C’mon, we’ll talk about it later.”
Wiping her face roughly, Teddi followed. The tension around her lips and eyes eased away with the alleviation of the secret she held in for too long.
They were both wrung out. They would deal with it all later. There was time.
Chapter 25
Vera
Passing a few shops, they found themselves alone on the main thoroughfare. Not a car or person in sight. When the trickle of businesses morphed into a side road, they reached their destination.
“I feel like the same person designed every house in this town,” Teddi remarked. Her skin was still pinker than usual but the tears were gone.
They were face to face with a two-story home. This one was dark blue with white trim. The lawn smelled freshly cut. The trash bins at the end of the drive were in place, leaf piles daring to scatter across their yard where they had been raked up recently. A few sheets blew in the wind, trying to dry outside on a line.
After knocking they both waited while looking around the barren porch. The living room and porch lights were off and no sound came from inside.
“You looking for Alice?” A voice called out. Peeking over the hedge that divided the lawns, an elderly woman sat in a rocking chair on her porch next door. She held a large mug. Her knuckles were gnarled and swollen around it.
“Yes, ma’am. We’re looking for Alice Grennan.” Vera answered.
“What for?” The woman's red scarf fluttered in the breeze. Tucking her arms against her jacket, she looked them over as Vera did the same. She appeared to be in her late sixties, a perfectly plated silver braid running down the back of her head and looping over her shoulder like a snake. From what she could tell across the distance she had kind, large eyes. The kind you expected from a grandmother who snuck you cookies when your parents weren’t looking.
“We’re looking into the death of her husband, Jackson.”
“They’ve gone.”
“Sorry?”
“I said they’ve gone. Alice and her two little boys took off the morning after he died.”
“Do you know where they went? To family? Friends?”
The woman shook her head, slow and unbothered. “Nah, she just ran. Just as well. Accident, my ass.” Vera leaned on the thick white porch railing, her hair twirling around her in a tornado as the wind kicked up.
