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I was unable to walk for days after that night. The soles of my feet were torn and bleeding from the whipping Jonathan did to them alone. That was also the night he cut my neck. He wanted to show me how easy it would be for him to kill me. He threatened to kill Joshua, too.
Up until that point, I was more determined than ever to get out; but once he said Joshua’s name, I knew I would comply with whatever he said, whatever he wanted, once again. As long as Joshua was still alive in this world, there would always be hope; but if he was dead, all hope would be gone.
Then a month later my world changed, and I knew I had to find the strength to get away from Jonathan…for me and my unborn child.
The day I learned I was pregnant was the day I had planned my escape. But I knew I would have to take something with me to guarantee my safety. Evidence of all his wrongdoings.
I was terrified. I still am most of the time. The panic attacks started shortly after we moved here. Then the nightmares set in. I worry Jonathan will take my daughter away and kill my family and friends. I can hear his voice in my ear, pulling me down every day. I need to keep my disgraces hidden from my family, hide my scars—inside and out. They’d all treat me differently if they knew the extent of the torture I went through.
After all the abuse from Jonathan, it’s no wonder I have issues with my pregnancy. The doctor keeps reminding me I need to gain weight, plus I’m dealing with high blood pressure and being monitored in the hopes I don’t develop preeclampsia.
I live in fear every day that I'm not strong enough, but I have to be, because this thing with Jonathan is far from over. So here I am, feeling like a beached whale in my yoga gear and sweating like crazy as Maya teaches me self-defense tactics.
“Let’s try this again, Ana. Focus this time. You need to surprise your opponent. Cup your hands and quickly slam them against their ears. Again remember don’t really hit me.” I step forward but my vision blurs and the room tilts. I blink, trying to get control of my senses. Through the fuzziness I see Maya’s brows furrow in concern. “Why don’t we take a break?”
Maya pushes down the rope, steps out of the boxing ring we’re practicing in, and walks over to the stereo system. The pounding, angry rock music is replaced with the calmer sounds of Natasha Bedingfield. When Maya exercises or trains she likes to listen to classic rock or heavy metal. I prefer pop rock and current hits. Jonathan only listened to classical music. I hate listening to that now. Too many bad memories.
“Take a sit before you fall over,” Maya demands as she rejoins me in the padded ring. “Let’s practice your Lamaze.”
The calm breathing techniques and my yoga breathing help. I have an appointment with my doctor later today; I’m going to have to tell him about the lightheadedness and dizzy spells.
I stretch my arms over my head and stare at the ceiling as I think of Joshua. How we ended up here is something I'll never understand. I thought I'd never see him again. I thought he would be married and settled down with someone else by now. I never thought he would still be single.
Joshua accompanies me to most of my appointments. He stays in the auto and doesn’t try to interact with me too much. It just confirms he doesn’t want to be with me and never did. Why would he? I’m nothing special.
Wait…I am trying to fix my internal voice. I'm strong, I'm a fighter. I'll survive this, and I have a beautiful soul. I repeat the mantra in my head. I'm hoping I'll believe it soon.
“Feeling better?” Maya asks, pulling me from my internal argument.
“I'm good. Just got winded. I feel like I'm huge, but I'm only twenty-seven weeks along. Thank goodness I start my final trimester in a few days.”
“I think you look beautiful. Are they doing another ultrasound today?”
“No, I don't believe so.” I smile at her.
I’ve made sure no one comes into the exam room with me. I hate to deceive my best friend, but I don’t want anyone to know about my complications. I don’t want them to look at me with any more pity than they already do.
“Ready to continue, or do you want to call it quits for the day?”
“Let’s continue.” I reach out for her to help me up.
Joshua
“To angels in dark places,” I toast, and she smiles.
“Not so bad is it?” She notices I don’t cough or grimace.
I lean forward.
“Angel, Jack Daniels was my grandfather’s drink of choice,” I whisper in her ear.
“Okay…so I guess the joke is on me,” she laughs. Her smile is bright and full of life. Her lips and the very tip of her tongue have me mesmerized.
“Next shot, Angel.” I watch her mouth, not wanting this to end yet.
“To being safe and bringing our loved ones home.” Her statement causes me to pause. Does she have a boyfriend fighting?
Bugger Me!
