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“I'm sorry! It won't happen again. I promise. Please forgive me,” I beg, the tears start to fall and I know I'm about a minute from losing it. I've hidden most of the panic attacks from Maya and Duncan, but now she'll know.
My hair shields my face, but I know they can hear the tears in my voice. Joshua immediately jumps up into the ring and drops to his knees in front of me.
“Ana, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to yell. Please stand up; I'll help you.”
I cover my face and cry into my hands. I can’t let them see me like this. How did I let myself become this woman? He rises and steps back from me, and I know I repulse him.
“I'm sorry, Ana. Please stand up.” He's begging me now.
“I can't. I'm sorry. I just reacted. This is what Jonathan wanted me to do when he got angry,” I admit.
Now I’ve said it out loud.
“Ana, stand up,” Maya says quietly, also begging me.
Joshua walks back over to me, and reaches down and pushes my hair from my face. “Ana, can I help you up?” he asks me in almost a whisper.
“Yes, please.” I raise my hand up but keep my head bowed, he grabs my hand and pulls me up. He's careful not to touch me any more than that.
He steps back again, and I swear I hear him whisper, “Sorry, Angel.”
“What'd you say,” I gasp, and snap my head up to look him in the eyes. He didn't just say that. Oh God, no. He can't remember that girl now. Not now. Not when I've shown how damaged I am.
“I said sorry, Ana,” he says, but I can read the expression in his eyes…pity.
“That is not what I heard.” I stare at him and instantly know. He remembers. But why act like he doesn’t?
Maya and I talked about it last month. I decided I had made something out of nothing. Maybe I was the only one who felt something that day. I know love is real for some people, but not for me. I'm no good for my Lieutenant.
“Here's to angels in dark places.” Maya gasps and Joshua groans as I turn and exit as fast as I can from the gym.
I need to get out of here before the wracking sobs can break free from my soul. I'm not that girl anymore, and I don't know if I ever will be. I'm a shell of a woman. A broken and damaged woman.
Joshua
She chooses now to respond to those memories, and I can't chase her. I can't be there for her.
Before I can even fully process that thought, Maya throws a punch, which doubles me over.
“What the bugger was that for?” I groan.
“I told you not to hurt her. You sod off, motherfucking, crazy SOB. You’re Lieutenant, and you knew she was Angel. She thought you'd forgotten. I couldn't tell her you knew all along.”
“Of course I knew who she was. From the moment I met Duncan I knew who she was. How could I ever forget her?” I groan again as I try to catch my breath.
“Why didn't you say something sooner to her?” She steps back, and I see her preparing.
“It doesn't change anything,” I reply as I prepare to defend myself.
“What do you mean it doesn't change anything?” She swings again, this time to the other side, and I don't block her.
If I fight her, Duncan will kick my arse, so I allow her to hit me.
“You're the reason…” she’s yelling and prepping for a kick.
“What the ever loving fuck are you talking about?” I yell. She swings around in her kick, and this time I deflect and wait. She kicks again, and I push her back.
“Come on, partner, I'm going to wipe this gym floor with your ass. You started all this. You proved a long time ago what kind of man you were when you betrayed her and lied to her.” She gets into her stance and prepares to show me that double black belt she has.
