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As I walk into my bathroom, I strip out of my clothes and the sobs start. I need to get the shower started so no one can hear me. Turning the faucets to warm, I turn around and crank my speaker. The sounds of Coldplay start and I step into the shower as the first sob tears from my body. I sit down in the shower and let the pain wash over me.
How did I let my life come to this?
My hands rub across the scars on my feet and along the puckered skin at my hip. I can’t even touch the scars on my back without cringing. I let this happen to me.
How?
I was ready to do things with my life.
My hair falls around me as I bow my head between my arms and wrap myself into a ball.
I'm tired of living this way. I need to make a change, but I don’t know how. I drop my arm and gently rub my baby bump. For her, I can do this.
I don't know how long I sit in the shower and cry, but I know it's been a while because the song has changed a couple times. I stand up on shaky legs and start to wash myself.
I have a doctor's appointment today and want to shop some more for the nursery. Getting out of the shower, I catch my reflection in the mirror, and see how swollen my eyes are from crying.
Thank goodness for cover-up. Being with Jonathan, I've become a pro at covering up bruises. Puffy eyes won't be an issue as long as I don't let someone look at me too closely.
Normally I dress in leggings and a baby doll dress with flats, but today I decide to ditch the leggings. I grab the turquoise scarf dress and tube top Maya bought me last year. I wish I could have accepted it then, but Jonathan would never have let me wear it. Maya says if I like it, we can order some more. I tie the dress in a way that flatters my figure and shows my blossoming pregnancy, while also keeping my scars hidden. The bright turquoise pattern makes me smile. Deep in my mind, I hope Joshua will like what he sees, even though I know I can’t be with him.
Slipping into a pair of ballet flats, I head out to look for Daddy, and find him sitting in one of the large overstuffed chairs in the library. I watch him for a little while from the doorway. I know I've put him through so much in the last year. There’s more gray coloring his dark hair now. He's still handsome; I don't understand why he never remarried. I know he was pursued, but he’s never been with another woman. He misses Mum so much. I wish I could've known her. He had to be both my mum and my daddy.
“Hello, Daddy.” No matter how old I get, I'll always call him Daddy.
“Hello, my darling. What are your plans for the day?” He smiles at me and just like when I was a kid, I calm. His dark eyes dance, but I see the wrinkles crinkle on the sides.
“I'm going to head over to check on the renovations of my house. I have a doctor's appointment today, and I want to do some shopping.”
“Okay, darling, be careful and have a good day.” He goes back to reading his book.
“I love you, Daddy.” I lean down and kiss his forehead. I love him more for the sacrifices he made for me.
“I love you too.” He again smiles at me.
I was surprised when we settled here, and Daddy was already waiting for us. If I had to go through this without him, it would be much harder on me. He's always been there for me.
As I'm walking out to one of the Rovers, I see Derek approaching from one direction and Joshua from the other. Crap. I don't want to talk to Joshua yet. I head toward Derek. The rules are I can't leave the property without at least two guards.
“Hello, Derek. Do you have any plans for the day?” Joshua pauses in his steps as he heads toward us. He's still a bit away, but he heard me.
“No, not really. Why, sweet thing, you need some help?” He always acts like he’s flirting with me and it’s sweet. I know his flirtation is meaningless, but it makes me smile.
“I have some things to do in town, want to escort me?” I see Joshua picking up speed to try to get to me. I jump into the driver's seat of the SUV and wait for Derek. Joshua says I'm only allowed to drive on the compound for my safety. I'm so tired of all the rules, but I know they exist for their safety as much as for mine.
I look longingly at the new Mercedes GLA Maya bought me. I'm not allowed to take it out and have to ride in the Rovers instead because they're bulletproof.
“Okay, gorgeous, let's go,” Derek jokes.
I take off fast, knowing I'm being childish, but I can't face Joshua yet. I really don't want to see the pity in his eyes. I know I couldn't handle that.
“Sweet thing, settle down! You almost threw rocks at Bossman. I think he's trying to get our attention.”
“He might be, but, Derek, please, just you right now.” I smile sweetly at him, hoping he doesn't push the issue, and slow the car to a crawl.
“Where are we going?” I see the challenge starting, I know the rules, but I can't do this right now.
I look in the rearview mirror and see Joshua pull out his cell phone.
