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“No.” I’m sure to be clear and concise. “Funny thing, I have this week off, and you and Ax and I are going to hang out…the whole time.”
“Sean, if you don’t get out of my house, I’m going to…I’ll tell Snipe that special word, and you will have a whole different use for this week.”
I hear her sniff, and her nose is all stuffed up. “Snipe and I are becoming buddies, and once I tell him we’re leaving the dungeon for the week, that special word won’t mean a thing when it comes to me. Now, come on, get up.”
“Leave me alone, Sean. Go find some other pity project for your time off.”
I’m not going to lie. That stung a little, but it tells me how much she’s hurting, and everything in me wants to make it better. What I know is what she’s doing won’t stop the hurt.
“Andie, I’m going to count to ten, and if you don’t get up and get in the shower, I will gladly haul you in there and help you do it. I’m not scared, I’m not shy, and you kind of smell.” I won’t admit that even though she might not have showered in days, she still smells so freaking good.
She doesn’t move, and I start counting again. “One, two, three, four, five–”
She flops on her back and throws the covers off. Her eyes are wild. Her t-shirt is twisted around her and reveals some very tiny, very tight shorts that, under ordinary circumstances, she’d likely never let me see.
“Sean, get out of my room, get out of my house, and leave me alone.”
“Ten.” I stand and scoop her up in my arms, but to my surprise, she doesn’t fight me. I don’t know if she’s stunned or in shock that I actually did it, but I stand there with her in my arms, and it only takes a second before I hear her sniff and then relax, maybe finally giving up the fight.
I sit back down on the bed as her sniffs turn into sobs, and I just hold her, letting her get it out. She buries her face in my chest, gripping my shirt. I think about the pain she’s faced in her life, and it’s not the same as mine, but yet so very familiar. I hold her tighter, pressing my lips to the top of her head.
“Why? Why would they keep this from me? All this time.” She swallows, trying to catch her breath. “All these years. It’s all been a lie.” After a minute, she pulls back. I push the sticky, damp strands of hair out of her face. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to measure up, trying to somehow be what they wanted me to be without sacrificing every piece of myself.”
I look into her eyes, and what I see breaks my heart. Loneliness, devastation, and so much grief. So many years of isolation and never feeling loved.
“I tried for so long to be what they wanted me to be and felt like no matter what I did, I was never going to be good enough.” Her lips curve up just slightly into a defeated smile. “It was all for nothing. I always wondered why I couldn’t just be what they wanted or why they couldn’t just love me…the way I am.” Her head drops. “All this time…I’ve never belonged there.”
I place my hands on her face, my palms smearing her tears. “I’m so sorry, Andie. I’m sorry they lied to you. I’m sorry you were ever made to feel like you weren’t enough. That you had to try to mold yourself to meet their ideas. But you knew exactly who you were and fought for yourself, for what you wanted, whoyou wanted to be, knowing exactly who you are. Andie, you have no idea how extraordinary you are.”
Tears trail down her cheeks, and I push them away with my thumbs. “Don’t ever again let anyone make you feel like you aren’t enough. Do you hear me? Never again. You don’t belong there anymore.”
Her lip quivers, and more tears spill over. “I don’t know where I belong. Every time I think I’ve found my home, my place, it just gets ripped away.”
I pull her to me, my lips brushing against her forehead, and hold her until she quiets. I understand that fear better than she’ll ever know.
We sit there, her in my lap, against my chest, and tucked into me for a long time. So long, I wonder if she’s finally succumbed to her exhaustion.
I tip my head down and see her eyes are open, staring into space. “Hey. Come with me. Get away from all this, and come be with me.”
Her nod is so subtle I barely noticed it, but then she moves off me, walks into the bathroom, and closes the door. I sit there for just a second, missing her. If I didn’t know I was in deep before, I know now. I have a mountain to climb, and it likely won’t be easy, but not much in my life has been, so I’m up for the challenge.
I let Snipe in and get to work cleaning and straightening the kitchen, praying that these next few days will show her that she belongs somewhere and that somewhere is with me.
Chapter 47
ANDIE
Darkness has become my friend. I think there’s a song about that, and I strum my guitar softly, playing the tune as I recall it. I think it’s the first time in days my lips have tipped upward even a millimeter, and my tarnished spirit seems to peek its head out of the depths of despair.
I sit on Sean’s large sectional in his large house, staring out at the blackness of his yard beyond his large screened-in porch. It’s only for the numerous nightlights spread around the massive room that I can see anything, but the soft glow is calming and warm, like little votives lighting the night.
When Sean showed up yesterday, every part of me wanted to shove him far away and make him leave, but he lifted me in his arms, and that’s all it took for me to come undone. I clung to him and didn’t want to let go. I let myself spill everything, and when I was finished, I still wanted him to hold me. He’s solid, gentle, and, surprisingly, the safest place to fall apart.
I didn’t even hesitate when he told me to come with him. Running away might be something I’m experienced in, but this is what I needed, and here is where I want to be…with him.
We’ve had a quiet day, Sean giving me the space he somehow knows I need. He helped me with Ax and took Snipe for a much-needed run. Then he laid on the floor playing with Ax allafternoon, and seeing the two of them started to warm my cold, wounded soul.
Sean is so comfortable with him. It’s almost shocking, given that he hasn’t been around babies. It was a sight that made me wonder again what was so wrong with me that my own parents never did that.
