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I see just a hint of a smirk. “Well, sweet cheeks, whoever told you this was easy should be taken out back and given a swift kick in their lying ass.”
I look down at my turquoise socks, covered in sloths. They’re ironically fitting today.
“Want to talk about it? You look like hell.”
“Gee, thanks.” I want to laugh because she’s seen me in a worse state than this. “There’s a song. I can’t get it out. It’s like it's stuck in there, and it’s…suffocating. I have something to say. I just don’t know what yet, I guess.” I shake my head, trying to put it out of my mind for now. I need a break.
“Like me, you don’t lack vocabulary, so I have no doubt it’s coming. The question is, are you going to be ready for it?”
I bite my lip. “Not sure yet.”
She nods like she understands, and really, I think she does.
“Maybe that’s the problem.” She points at me, changing the subject. “You keep looking like that, and your mother is going to call the authorities to haul you to a rehab facility.”
“Well, then I’ll spend my time in therapy talking about all of the years she tried to make me into some freaking beauty queen lookalike, readying me to be sold off to the highest bidder.” I smile. “Looking like this is like giving her a giant middle finger.”
That lights up my Gem’s face, and I remember why I love this woman so much. She settles on the couch, crossing her legs.
Crap. Here we go.
“I heard something that might have a similar effect on her. If word gets to those gaudy pearled ears, we might just see a little cloud go poof in the distance that was her head.” Her fingers mimic an explosion.
I try to hide my smile. “What exactly is this gossip that you speak of?”
“Is it gossip if I’ve seen evidence with my own eyes and heard the magnificence of it with my delicate but very working ears?”
“I guess that makes it factual.”
She sniffs. “Want to tell me why you didn’t mention it? WhyIdidn’t get to sit in the stands and watch my only granddaughter sing theNational Anthemlike she was born to do it? Baby girl, you made grown men weep.”
I take a breath and hold it, wanting to get this right with the only woman who’s ever had my back and always will.
I let the breath out. “I’m not sure if you’ll understand this, but I just felt like it was something I had to do on my own. Josh sent in the video, and I had no idea. I didn’t even want to do it, but Nora accepted on my behalf.”
Gem cuts in. “Remind me to give that girl a swat and a hug and an allowance for a new hair color. I knew she’d be good for you.”
“Anyway,” I continue. “I went, hoping it would help me say goodbye one last time. Like doing this for Josh would somehow help me move forward or in any direction other than standing still.”
Her head bobs slightly in understanding. “Did it work?”
I think over the past couple of weeks since. “Maybe. I left there feeling different, lighter. When I got there, I got stuck in the elevator with this big-time football player who was completely full of himself. All I wanted was to run right back here like it was some kind of sign. But after dealing with him and his condescension, I just kept pushing forward, wanting it for myself. Then I was in the middle of the field, and the drums started, and I did it. It felt so good.” I smile, thinking back to hitting that final note.
I rub my temples. “Now, I’m just kind of angry. I want him back. I want to go back to the way it was, but it’s been over a year, and everything has changed. I’ve changed, and it’s becoming harder to remember, you know?”
I look up to see her watching, listening intently.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it, but I just couldn’t have you waltzing in there like the Queen of England, letting everyone know how it was going to go down. I needed to have it naturally unfold how it was supposed to. I just…needed to do it on my own. To try to say goodbye and find a way to let myself live again.”
She smiles this time, and it’s the real deal, not one filled with sass. “Andie, don’t be sorry. Don’t apologize. You took the bull by the balls and squeezed them.” I laugh, her face relaxing into a more solemn look. “It’s ok to let yourself be happy again. Youknow that, right? Josh was a good man. He’d want that for you and for Ax.”
I nod, knowing it’s true and finally feeling like I might be able to allow myself. If there’s anyone who understands, it’s my Gem. She married my grandfather right out of high school and buried him after thirty years together. There’s never been a single man since, but I don’t think it’s that she didn’t try. She’s just never found someone who made her feel anything compared to the way she felt with him.
I hear a squeak from the baby monitor and move to grab it off the counter.
“Well, look at that.” Gem claps her hands together. “Perfect timing. I get to see the most handsome man in the entire world. You go make yourself smell and look better, then we’ll go to lunch.”
“I need to feed him first, and then he’s all yours while I think about putting actual clothes on.”
