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Chapter 31
ANDIE
I lift my face to the sun and close my eyes. The blue sky is filled with fluffy white clouds, and even though there’s a chill in the air, warmth radiates through me.
The outfit I chose for today is perfect–my black leather jacket over a crop top, high-waisted leather leggings, and black lace-up boots that hit just above the ankle. I’ve even gone with a more dramatic eye of purples and gray with some black liner, and I can feel it shimmering in the sun.
Enjoying the heat enveloping my body, I can’t help but think about Josh and wonder what he would think about all of this. What would he say?
I know he’d be proud. He’d want to meet these families, and then he’d laugh and carry on bringing smiles to their faces. He’d be honored these veterans are getting to be a part of something so special.
But I know he’d also tell me it’s time to let go.
I keep my eyes closed, breathing through the burn in my throat and the well of tears collecting under my eyelids. Not completely. Pieces of him will remain tucked inside me always. But over the past few months, since I stood on a platform in the middle of this exact field, hearing him tell me he loves me one last time, I’ve found myself able to see life on the other side.I’ve somehow climbed my way out of the devastation and utter despair.
I’ve started living again, and day by day, it’s as if my heart is being stitched back together, one tattered piece to another. It’s like it’s started beating again. Maybe to a different rhythm, but it’s coming back to life, revived and renewed.
I’m not sure if it was by chance or divine intervention, but this mess with Sean has shown me that life goes on with or without us. No matter how hard we try to hide, we eventually have to open the door and step back into the light, or we’ll die, too.
We weren’t meant to stay in the dark forever, no matter how badly we may want to. It becomes safe and comforting, but it only feels that way because we think nothing can reach us there.
The truth is, even if we can’t see it, the light is still there, waiting for us to return. Whether we want to or not, we have to crack the door, step out, and feel the sun on our faces to be reminded that there’s still goodness waiting for us.
“Are you praying or tanning your face?”
My eyes pop open as Gem slips her arm around me. It’s familiar and comforting.
“Just thinking.” I rest my head on her shoulder. “Last time I was here, it was very different.”
“How so?” She rests her head against mine, and her soft, floral scent wafts around me in the breeze.
“Every part of me wanted to run home where I was safe and comfortable. I didn’t think I was ready for anything to change. Today, it doesn’t feel quite so scary, like…I’m starting to discover this new part of myself I’ve never known before. It’s still scary but also exciting.”
My Gem holds me tighter. “I’m really proud of you, sweet cheeks. You’re one brave girl.”
We stand there together as people mill around us. The band is setting up the equipment on stage, and team members are filling tables with Tiger memorabilia, food, and drinks.
“What happens when this thing is over?” Gems asks quietly.
“I start working on my album and hope people like what I have to offer.”
She shifts a little. “Andie, that’s not what I mean. What happens after this event?”
I frown. Gem never calls me Andie. If she does, it means I’m on her shit list. “I don’t know what you’re asking me.”
“With Sean, baby girl. What happens with Sean?”
I haven’t seen Sean yet today, and I’m anxious to see him after our last conversation. Something was going on with him underneath our little chat the other night, and I’m curious to know what it was.
“I don’t know. It’s probably best if we just go back to living our lives.” I pause, waiting for her retort, but she says nothing. “The other night, he texted me and asked if I promised to tell him the truth if he asked me something, but…we never got to whatever it was.”
“Hmmm.”
“Sean is…different from any man I’ve known. There’s a lot underneath that pretty face and all that muscle, but we live in two very different worlds. All that’s happened is everything I’ve wanted to avoid and a big part of why I’ve never signed with a label.”
“Sometimes the things we think we don’t want are exactly what we need. That man, this ugly misunderstanding, helped you find your way out of the hole you’d fallen into.”
I sag a little, not wanting to admit she might be right.
