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“I don’t want to hate you anymore, but that doesn’t automatically mean I want a relationship with you. I’m tired of carrying around the consequences of your actions. But I can’t deny that you showed me who I didn’t want to be. I’ve become a better man, but you don’t get credit for that. Do you have any idea the amount of work I had to do to undo what you did?”
I don’t get road rage. I’ve rarely raised my voice. The closest I’ve come to punching anything was during a fake boxing ring routine I used to perform on stage. No one needs to tell me that this fear is irrational. I already know it is.
For years, I’ve stayed home and saved, eyes on the prize of a place of my own without ever considering what came next. But now that I have it, now that I have Bee, I can picture what I want with startling clarity. The home, the family, the future.
I want to be a father someday, and I don’t want to become a replica of my own in the process. That’s why I’m here.
“It’s good that you did what you needed to get better, but I don’t owe you my time or my presence because you eventually did what you should have done in the first place, and that’s get help. I don’t know where this leaves us. I’m going to be civil at Mom’s party, because I promised her I would, but outside of that… I can’t tell you. I love the family I’ve made for myself, and right now, that doesn’t include you. But…”
And this is the hardest part. I look at Bee, my angel, my future, a woman with a heart bigger than anyone I’ve ever known.
“I needed this today. I needed to see with my own eyes that you’ve changed and that I don’t have to be afraid of being you anymore.”
I wave the check at him.
“This doesn’t fix anything,” I say. “This was never what I needed from you.”
“I know. It doesn’t change what you went through. The fact is, I wasn’t able to give you the childhood I never had, and perhaps I’ll never be able to make up for what you missed out on, but this has always been your money, Sebastian. It isn’t right for me to have it. I don’t care what you do with it. Give it to charity, gamble it away, use it. Whatever you want. But I wanted you to have it, and I knew this might be my only chance to give it to you. I’m not expecting anything. I got better on my own, for myself. You don’t owe me, and I know that. But I’d like the chance to get to know you, if you’re comfortable.”
“I’m not ready for that.”
“I understand.”
He stands.
“Well. I should go. Thank you, for meeting with me. It was lovely to meet you, Bee.”
I stare down at the money in my hands. A few strokes of ink on flimsy paper should not carry such weight, but it does. This isn’t my youth, my pain, his apologies. No, it’s fixing the gutters, it’s replacing the squeaky handle on Bee’s bedroom door. It could be the start of something brand new, and if Aiden and I are smart about it, a way to quit a job I hate.
The fact is, I don’t hate him anymore. If I’d met theman he used to be, there’s no doubt, but that’s not the man before me.
This isn’t forgiveness, but it might just be closure.
34
SEBASTIAN
Beneath my lungs,the rapid waters of grief and resentment churn, fueled by the decades that have passed. This is exactly why I didn’t want to see him. Time didn’t mute shit for me. It’s still there, still the monster in the dark I’m afraid of.
Except this entire time, I’ve been picturing the monster as him. But what if it’s not? What if it’s a mirror instead?
Everything I said needed to be out there, so why am I questioning myself? Why does it still feel like something unfinished?
Can I really expect Bee to want to be with me, to choose me, when I still can’t expel this feeling? Seeing him again was supposed to cure it. Cauterize the wound, start to heal. Lewis says I’m close, but I still need an outlet. Some way of channeling the energy. Apparently, a constant state of pent-up calm is not enough.
I don’t know how much longer I can avoid the conversation. Giving Bee the space to work out whether she’s staying, whether what we have is serious enough to tellAiden about, has been testing, because there are times it’s clear she wants this. It’s the way she gravitates to me—on the couch, in bed, in the kitchen. Apparently, the rain makes her tired in the afternoons, so more often than not, she’ll become a koala while I cook dinner, draped against my back, eyes closed, breathing steadily. Without even looking, I can tell the moment she drifts off, and I have to be careful not to burn our food because I have to take a minute to be so fucking grateful for her.
Which is why it’s so frustrating that she still hasn’t told her brother about us.
The secrets are piling up, adding to the weight in my chest. Aiden knows, but Bee doesn’t know that he knows, and I’m playing piggy in the middle while keeping my own feelings from Bee.
It’s more than I can take. Seeing Jonathon is a thick layer of icing on it all, and as I’m angrily wiping down the windowsill, my hand slips, and I watch as Gus tumbles to the floor.
“Fuck.”
I scramble to clean up. Luckily, the pot hasn’t broken completely, but poor Gus is now sporting a pretty big chip. “Dammit.”
I’m kneeling in dirt, but I can’t give a shit. I’m more annoyed that I’m annoyed. It’s been two days since I saw my father, and yet I can’t get rid of the tight coil of tension that’s knotted around my spine.
