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“I miss you, too. It won’t be long now.”
It won’t be long.
Only three and a half weeks left in the season; one full week on the road sandwiched between two weeks at home. We’re going to be battling it out within our division for thechance at a playoff spot or at the very least a wildcard. Three and a half weeks against divisional rivals, which means three games in Anaheim before ending our season at home.
“I hate to have to tell you this,” Roger addresses me before a meeting of the coaching staff in the small visiting manager’s office, “but I know you know Jamie Webster is starting today. He hasn’t faced a Seattle batter since…”
“I know Roger,” I try my best to keep my indignation out of my voice. I’m about to get the same speech I used to give to Maxwell. “I’ll be on my best behavior today, I promise.”
“No,” Roger barks out the word, startling us both. “No. You’ll do your job today. I don’t care about behavior. You could charge the mound and I’d be right there behind you, so would our bench. What I didn’t want to tell you is that Jerome is sick. That means I have no bench coach. I want you as my bench coach today. Let Jose work with the hitters. I just want you to be aware that this could set Webster off.”
“That’s not on me.”
“No, it isn’t.” Roger looks at me with a face I recognize from my softball days, tears shimmering in his eyes. “I’m so proud of you, Sutton. It’s been an honor to watch you grow into this job. Someday someone is going to try and scoop you up and I don’t want to be responsible for holding you back.”
“Do you know something I don’t?” I ask with a laugh, and my usually easy-going manager doesn’t laugh. His stoic eyebrows tick up the tiniest bit, but his face gives nothing away. “Roger?”
“Promise me you won’t be afraid to leave because of me. You know how this game changes, and as it continues tochange for the better I wish nothing but the best for you. When the time comes, I want you to know you can spread your wings.”
Max said something similar in his interview with Jake and it hasn’t left my head since he said it.There’s a duckling back home, and if she decides to spread her wings, I’ll go wherever she takes me.I’ve never given any thought to leaving Seattle, but if the right offer came along, maybe I could. With Max walking boldly into his retirement I wonder what the future looks like for me – forustogether. He’s established himself in Bainbridge, his sister is here, his best friend is here. Could I take him away from the life he has here?
He’s making his comeback start in Detroit tonight, and I’ve known him long enough to know that his pre-game headspace is not something to mess with, so I don’t call or text. I slip my phone into my duffle bag in the corner of Roger’s office before taking a seat as the rest of the coaches gather, pushing my racing thoughts as far back in my mind as I can.
“Davis is bench coach today,” Roger says by way of greeting once we’re all gathered. “Webster is starting for Anaheim, and we know how that usually goes. He’s aggressive, and not just with his fastball, which means Jose, you and the boys have to stay on your toes today. Base coaches, too.”
“Webster leads the league in pick-offs,” I chime in as Roger gives me a very pointed look. If I’m going to be his assistant for the day, it’s time to assert myself. “He's caught more base runners trying to steal second in the last year than our pitching staff combined. Make sure the boys are paying attention if they take a lead off of first base.”
Roger nods in approval before I continue.
“We’re safe at second because Sean Walker is behind the plate today; he’s their utility guy and doesn’t normally catch,but that doesn’t mean we can be complacent on the basepaths.”
When the meeting wraps up, Jose claps me on the shoulder and gives me a supportive nod. As I grab my duffel and start to make my way down to the bathroom reserved for me when we play in Anaheim, Roger stops me.
“I’d love to see you inthischair someday. You’ve got the chops, Kid.”
It gives me pause.
I’ve been told since I was a kid that I could manage a team some day. That I could do anything I set my mind to. And it’s a great thing to tell a child as they’re growing up, but sometimes the real world gets in the way. The real world isn’t always caught up with the dreams we dream as children.
When I was growing up as a baseball fan, I could count on one hand the number of women inhabiting public facing baseball spaces. Now, we have women managing in the minor leagues, leading teams of athletic trainers, and in front offices. More and more women are broadcasters, whether for television or radio, and even beat writers for major publications.
I’ve been coaching in this league for six years, and there’s still a part of me, a small voice in the back of my mind, that says I don’t belong here. That I don’t belong in the manager’s office or even filling the shoes of the assistant manager.
“Sutton.” Roger’s voice is stern and shakes me out of my imposter syndrome crisis. “You know I don’t blow smoke. I mean it. You were great in the meeting just now. I believe in you. Max believes in you. Now I needyouto believe you, okay?”
It’s odd to walk up the tunnel and into the dugout knowing that I’m here and someone else is leading the guys through batting practice. Once the game starts, Jose is perched at the steps with a tablet in hand, while I sit beside Roger and keep a close eye on the action on the field. Roger asks mequestions as we watch the game, making sure I notice when our starting pitcher gets just to the verge of where he needs to be pulled. Asking me to look at the opposing lineup and make the call on what relievers to start warming up in the bullpen. In six years this is the most responsibility I’ve ever had in a game time situation, and it feels like shadowing Roger in a way that I wasn’t expecting when we got started today.
At the end of the night, I crawl into bed at the hotel, listening to a replay of today’sOn the Fieldwith highlights of all of the games from around the league, including Maxwell’s start; he threw five shutout innings, and I couldn’t be more proud of him.
“A great way to open the series in Detroit,” Penelope says, moving the show along, “especially with the story breaking today that Roy Chambers is going to be retiring after thirty years in the league. We have Mustangs’ beat writer Molly Mitchell joining us tonight to talk about the big changes coming to Detroit during the off season.”
I close my eyes as the hosts discuss the future of Mustangs baseball with Molly. No replacement will be named until the off season, but according to Molly’s source in the front office, they are looking to bring in new faces from outside of the organization. After my discussion with Roger today, thoughts of my future in baseball keep me awake most of the night, tossing and turning, and unable to quiet my brain.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
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MAX
