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“Sure. You?”
Daniel ignored the question. “I have to know—are we all right? You won’t even look at me this morning.”
“I’m sorry. I’m looking at you now.”
Daniel’s eyes shadowed, and he bit the inside of his cheek, making his lips pucker a little. I remembered the feel of them on my neck and ears, the taste of them on my own. Confusion and guilt swirled in me, yet I couldn’t regret what we’d done. I knew I should, but I didn’t.
“Goddammit,” he whispered, but he seemed to be cursing himself.
I wanted to reach out and rub his arms where he’d crossed them over his chest.
“Talk to me, Peter. Please.”
All words fled. I stared at him, willing him to understand what I couldn’t say. What I didn’t know if I even wanted to say. He was the real deal, and his first understanding of me was right: I was just a kid.
“You’re angry with me,” he said.
“No!”
“Then what?”
I shuffled my feet. “I don’t know how this works.”
The only morning-after I’d ever experienced had been with Adam, and we’d ended up as boyfriends eventually. For me there’d been no real choice involved, though. He’d been all I wanted from the day we met, until I’d wanted more than he’d agreed to give. But this fall…
Daniel frowned and squinted into the sunshine before looking back to me. He took a slow breath and nodded his head, like he’d made up his mind about something. “This is my fault. Last night I let things go too far.”
“No, it was me.” I was eager to take the blame. Maybe it’d be easier if he hated me. Maybe I’d deserve it. After all I’d donesomeoneshould hate me. Sometimes I sure did.
“How is it your fault?” Daniel’s voice cracked a little.
“I kissed you, so it was me.”
“I started it the second time—”
“I wanted you to,” I said, reaching out and almost touching him. “I wanted what happened.”
He looked up at the sky, his pulse thrumming in this throat. Shoving his hands in his pockets, his shirt stretched across his chest, and I remembered how its breadth had felt under my hands as we’d kissed the night before. A painful tightness ached over my heart.
“Me too,” he said, huskily. “But it ruined things, didn’t it?”
Frost touched me.
“What do you mean?” In all my anxiety over making a choice, it hadn’t occurred to me that maybe Daniel wouldn’t want me anymore. Maybe I’d blown it by being with him. “You don’t want me now?” The words scraped in my throat.
Daniel relaxed and reached out for me, like my fear reassured him in some important way. His hands on my shoulders were warm and strong. “Of course I want you, Peter. I’ve wanted you from the moment I saw you.”
I knew what that was like. I’d felt that for him, but I’d felt it for Adam too. Who’d maybe felt it for Leslie. It was all so jumbled. I’d wanted this summer to be clean and free, but I’d made it a bigger mess.
Daniel’s eyes searched mine. “If we both want this, does it have to be a mistake then?”
I yearned to move into his embrace. “Everything’s so messed up.”
“But if you broke things off with Adam, if you gave this thing between us a chance?” His voice was hopeful and resigned at the same time. We both knew what I was going to say, even though I really didn’t want to say it.
I stared at him, and my lips trembled.
He squeezed his eyes shut, his mouth twisting up. “I promised I wouldn’t push you. But last night happened, and now… Dammit, I’m such an idiot. Now you’re going to choose him.”
