Page 136 of You Are Not Me


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Mike followed close on Adam’s heels. Adam kept his head down, a potent mix of anger and fear still radiating from him. I itched for my camera. It hadn’t been able to capture my nothingness earlier, but it’d be able to snap Adam’s wild eyes and my bruised arm. It’d be able to contain the truth that it was over. One click, two clicks. Done.

Adam stuck his key in the door and walked inside. Mike went in first and motioned me after him. I went straight to my bag and packed up the few things I’d taken out. My wrist hurt, but I managed it.

Adam glared at Mike. “You can go now.”

“I’m gonna stay. Make sure everything’s okay here.”

“What the fuck are you trying to say, Mike?” Adam’s hands balled into fists.

“You’re out of control. I think it’s better if I stay.”

Adam’s face burned bright and he gritted out, “I wouldneverhurt him.” His eyes turned to me, red-rimmed and bright with emotion. “Do you think I’d hurt you, Peter?”

I pointedly raised my arm to show the already livid bruises.

Adam’s face crumpled, and he whispered in a voice thick with tears, “Do you want Mike to stay?”

I darted my eyes over to Mike. He stood with his arms crossed and his feet apart, ready to take on anything. “Yeah. I do.”

Adam’s anger broke like a fever, dissolving into regret and tears. He turned his back on us, collapsing to his bed, his shoulders shaking with sobs.

I checked my camera and stuck it into the case, snapping it closed carefully. I heard Adam move, but I didn’t look at him.

“Why did you do that?” he whispered. “How could you let them touch you? Are you trying to punish me? Do you hate me that much?”

I wanted to tell him I didn’t hate him, that it wasn’t to punish him, that it was just some dancing—but that wasn’t true. I’d absolutely done it to hurt him, to show him—and to show Leslie—who I was. And while I didn’t hate him, I definitely didn’t love him. Not anymore.

I darted my gaze toward Mike, who chewed on his bottom lip, but otherwise didn’t move. “Now you know how I feel—how I’ve always felt—when you’re with Leslie.”

“It’s different.” His eyes went urgently to Mike, but he plunged on. “I love you both. Those guys were strangers!”

“We’restrangers now.”

Adam started to cry softly again. I hardened my heart. He wouldn’t draw me back in. Not this time. I grabbed my keys and bag and left with Mike at my back. There was nothing else to say.

In the parking lot by my car, Mike said, “You should stay with me. You’re too tired to drive home.”

“I can’t. I don’t want to see him in the morning. I never want to see him again.”

Mike nodded, his lips pressed together sadly. “You’d tell me if there was something I needed to know about Sarah, right?”

I snorted. “She’s not a secret lesbian, if that’s what you mean.”

“Damn.” He winked. “That could’ve been hot.”

I laughed softly, surprised that he’d gotten one out of me when everything felt so dire. “No, you’re good for Sarah. She’s happy with you. Most of her machinations are about covering for Adam.”

“I figured. I hope it was worth going out tonight?”

I sighed. “I don’t know. When I was dancing, and I knew there was nothing he could do, it was…” I trailed off, watching clouds dance across the moon. “Satisfying.”

“I bet. But after he flipped out…” Mike shook his head. “Is your arm okay? Were you bluffing earlier?”

I moved it for him, and he let out a sigh of relief. “I didn’t think he’d go berserk like that. And I can’t believe what he said just now.” He nodded his head toward the dorms where we’d left Adam crying. “In front of me like he didn’t even care.”

“He loves me,” I agreed. “But I don’t love him.” It felt more real every time I said it.

“Fair enough. Believe me, I get it. And whether he loves you or not, you’re doing the right thing.”

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