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“Yes.”
“And he’s not just saying that to get sex from you?”
“Mom, it’sAdam. Don’t you remember what he’s like? He hasn’t been gone that long. A few weeks ago, you loved him like a second son, and now—”
“Now I know about the lies he’s swept you up in.”
“It’s not his fault.”
“No, I suppose it isn’t. Not entirely.”
I had to take a deep breath and let it out slowly to keep from crying again. She didn’t have to say it. I knew exactly how much blame I held for our mess. I’d had plenty of chances to put an end to it. But I hadn’t wanted to. I’d selfishly wanted to take what I could have while I could have it.
“Tell me what you’re thinking about?”
It was hard to talk around the lump in my throat. “What happened this year at Kingsley, with Leslie—all of it. We didn’t mean for it to turn out this way, Mom. Neither of us did.”
Marcus, Adam’s ex from Rome, jumped into my mind, along with his warnings about just what I could expect from Adam:
Next thing you know he’s dating some girl, and Sarah is telling you to keep it hush-hush. Just take my word on it. He’ll break your heart and leave without a backwards glance when it’s time for him to move on.
I flinched before shaking the memory away.
After a brief silence, Mom asked, “So what happened? At school?”
I sipped my cola, letting the moment breathe, leaning into the discomfort to feel out the new normal between us. “When the usual rumors started about me being gay, Adam thought dating Leslie would help put an end to them. He wanted me to date a girl, too, but I refused at first. Eventually, Susan agreed to cover for me.” That wasn’t entirely true, but it was close enough. “Then Adam started to have feelings for Leslie. Real ones. He says he loves us both.”
Mom rubbed her hand over her forehead, smoothing out the wrinkles there, looking more and more tired by the second. “I’m struggling, honey. I wish I wasn’t, but I am.”
“So am I.” I slammed my cola can on the counter. “But I’m just a kid. You’re a grown-up.”
“Just a kid, huh?”
I frowned and didn’t respond. She knew what I meant.
She picked up the letter from Adam, studied the stamps, then slid it across the counter to me. I folded it and shoved it into my shorts pocket.
Mom grew even more serious. “You said there were rumors about you. How many people from school know the truth? Your friends?”
“No one knows about me and Adam but you, Dad, and Sarah. And, well, Mo, and I guess Adam’s mom. Our friend Mike from school knows I’m gay, but not about me and Adam.”
“That’s a lot of people, Peter. You said Susan knew too.”
“Is it a problem if I’m out?”
Mom bit her lip, twisting her hands together. “It’s dangerous.”
“Mom, Iknow.” I softened my voice. “I don’t go out wearing a T-shirt that reads ‘I like dick’ but people figure it out anyway.” I didn’t mention the beatings I’d taken, the ones that had prompted them to send me to Kingsley to begin with. “What’s the point of hiding?”
“There are people who’d kill you.”
We stared at each other, her brother’s ghost looming between us. She squeezed her eyes shut and covered her face, taking slow breaths.
“Mom…”
“That can’t ever be you, Peter. It can’t.”
“Mom, I’m so sorry.” I pulled her hands away from her red eyes.
