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“I’m thinking about Adam.”
“Ah.” Disappointment lined his voice. “Everything okay there?”
“I miss him.”
“That sucks.”
I took a deep breath and let it out. “And also? Idon’tmiss him.”
Daniel turned to look at me, and though I kept my eyes on the road, I felt him studying me.
“You miss him but you don’t miss him?”
“Yeah, because if he were here, things would be different. Like I probably wouldn’t even really know you or the other guys. I’d be hanging out with our friends from high school, lying to them, hiding our relationship, watching him with Leslie. It’d be a completely different summer. There’d be no Tilt-a-Whirl, no you, no feeling like I’m part of something larger than myself. Buthe’dbe here.” I chewed my bottom lip. “Maybe it’d be less confusing that way.”
Daniel adjusted the air conditioner vents. “Sounds just as confusing to me.”
“I do miss him. Don’t get me wrong. I miss him a lot.”
Daniel leaned back against the headrest and turned to face me. “Tell me about Adam.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
I squirmed a little in my seat. I hadn’t thought he’d want to hear about him. Maybe I was immature, but whenever I saw Daniel dancing with someone else, or Minty mentioned someone Daniel used to date, I felt jealous. I’d assumed—hoped—that he felt the same.
“He’s the first guy I’ve ever been with, and he’s different from anyone I’ve ever known. He’s been all over the world, but he likes it here in Knoxville. He’s handsome, of course. Not just handsome, really hot. And sex with him is great.”
Daniel made a soft noise, but when I glanced his way, his face was carefully neutral.
“He loves me,” I said. “I know he does. And I don’t want to hurt him or give up too soon.”
Daniel nodded and kept quiet as I pulled into an open space in the Fellini Kroger parking lot. We didn’t immediately get out, though. My words seemed to float in the air around us, and I could almost see them. I could snap a picture of them if I only knew the right aperture setting.
“He’s your first love,” Daniel summed up.
“Yeah.”
He scratched at his earlobe. “Do you mind if I ask you some personal questions?”
“Well, I don’t have to answer them, do I? So sure.”
Daniel softly chuckled. “Okay, so is it just because you’re living here, in the South? Would he be willing to acknowledge your relationship if you lived somewhere else entirely?”
“It’s a lot of things. It’s his family, mostly. His mom, but especially his dad.” I didn’t want to say too much. Adam’s family business was private and no one needed to know the details. I wasn’t even sure thatIunderstood all of the details.
“But why keep dating the girl?” Daniel asked. “Is he bi?”
“I guess. He really loves her too. So yeah, I think he is.”
“Loves her like a best friend, or like romantic love? It’s not the same thing.” He swallowed, and I watched his Adam’s apple go up and down. “I loved the girl I had sex with in high school, but not like that.”
“Right. And…wow. This is hard to talk about.” My throat tightened. Guilt and shame spiraled in my gut.
Daniel listened with an open expression, like he was going to be okay with whatever I said.
Running a hand over my hair, I groaned. The frizz was out of control in the humid summer heat. “He enjoys sex with her. He’s made that clear. I know he’s in love with her. He might even love her more than he loves me.” A fist of pain unclenched inside as I admitted that out loud. I’d thought about it so many times. “But heisin love with me too. It’s complicated.”
