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I nodded. “I didn’t just leave. I broke up with him.”
Daniel put his arm around my shoulders and tugged me until I leaned against him, my head resting on his chest and his chin on the top of my head.
“I know I messed up with you,” I whispered.
He squeezed me but didn’t deny my words.
I took a tight breath. I didn’t want to lean on Daniel. This wasn’t what I was here to do. He needed someone to supporthim, not someone to weigh him down further. I pushed my fingertips against my eyelids and willed myself not to cry. I wouldnotdo that to him.
“Hey,” Daniel said. “It’s okay if you’re upset. It’d be weird if you weren’t.”
I swallowed my feelings down. “I don’t want to be,” I said, speaking through a constricted throat. “He’ssuchan asshole. Why am I so stupid?”
“You aren’t stupid.”
“Ha! I am!” I pushed far enough away from him to get a good look at his face. He gazed back at me with sweet compassion. “You and all our friends knew it was going to turn out this way.”
Daniel’s expression softened even more. “None of us wanted that. We care about you.”
I yearned to tell Daniel how much I wished I’d made a different choice that morning in the motel parking lot in Nashville, but I kept my mouth shut. I didn’t get to say that to him yet.
“Has he contacted you?” Daniel asked.
“No.” But if I knew Adam, he probably would. I wasn’t looking forward to that.
Daniel stroked my hair. It popped right back up into place as soon as his hand moved away. “Will he come up here? Force the issue?”
“Maybe? I don’t know. He might.” My stomach tightened. For all I knew, he was at my house right now banging on my front door.
“And if he does show up to beg forgiveness? Will you take him back?”
“No. It’s over. I can’t do it anymore.” I didn’t want to see Adam now or ever. “He never planned to break up with her, Daniel. I get that now. If he could have his way? We’d be living like this for the next fifty years. The two of them would make a nice, little family and I’d be the kids’ Uncle Peter—the guy their dad fucks secretly. I can’t do that.”
Daniel wrapped both arms around me and held me close. A year ago, I’d sat in a booth in Chalky ‘N’ Joe’s with Adam, and he’d held me in almost the same way. The memory bit into me, but I let the hurt merge with the old pain I’d already grieved. I also kept it to myself.
Daniel released me, leaning back and attempting to smooth my hair down again. I let him, but I was disappointed in myself for letting Daniel take care of me. I’d come here to take care ofhim.
“I want to be a better person than I have been,” I whispered. “For a long time now, I’ve hated myself for what we were doing to Leslie.”
“Peter, you don’t need to hate yourself.”
“But I’m not that kind of person!” I wanted him to understand this more than anything. “I’m not someone who betrays a friend like that.”
“I know.”
Words came out of my mouth so quickly I didn’t stop to breathe. They’d been forming for days, months even, and I needed them out of me. “Except Iamthat person. And Ididbetray her. So maybe you shouldn’t trust me, Daniel. I don’t trust myself, even though I’m trying. I want to be a good friend to you, and, if I’m being honest, I want so much more than that. But I don’t deserve it. I mean, look what I’m doing right now! Laying all this on you is selfish.I’mselfish. Just like Minty said.”
“Peter, I—”
When he didn’t continue, I looked up. He had so much affection in his expression, and I was ashamed by how grateful I was to see it there. I knew he cared for me. I didn’t want to lead him on, and Iwasa mess, but I wanted to be near him. I wanted whatever he had to offer right now. I’d even take the door if that was all he had to give.
“So I know I’m a dick. I’m not delusional about that,” I said. “Daniel?”
“Yeah?”
“You should listen to your friends about me. Everything Minty said to you after Nashville? It’s true.”
Daniel’s lips twitched up. “Peter, you’re so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Remember what I told you about Margaret? How I slept with her to try to ‘fix’ myself? High school is a terrible time to be gay. It’s a terrible time for almost everyone, I think. But for a queer kid? It’s hell.”
