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I knew all too well.
I turned over the memory of the night I’d let the wrong guy top me. I remembered the cold chill that had fallen on me when he called four weeks later to tell me the news. The sudden knowledge, deep in my gut, of what was to come.
I wondered what it’d been like for Minty. Did he know intuitively the moment it happened? Or had he been blindsided that day in the health center when he got his results? I rubbed my chest imagining him there alone and afraid, hearing that diagnosis from someone who didn’t love him. I hoped they’d been kind.
As I passed by a bench with another visiting family, I waved and tilted my head back. The trees were really starting to turn gorgeous colors up in the mountains. The magnificent red of the sugar maples were breathtaking.
I paused to throw some rocks in the pond, watching the ripples expand over the water. Cause and effect. HIV and Minty had been like that in my life. They’d both dropped into the water of me, and I was still feeling the aftereffects. Ever expanding and irreversible.
I stuffed my hands in my pockets, watching bright leaves twirl to the ground. The scent of earthy autumn was all around, and I took it in with deep breaths.
It was good to be alive. To see the color slide down the mountain slopes. To glance across the pond to see my lover and my sister happily interacting. The light shone in Minty’s hair. His hands moved like birds, fluttering as he spoke.
I saw him make a filthy gesture to illustrate something he was saying and snorted. Great. Betsy and Rodney would be getting up to anal sex in their facility beds, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I supposed it was good Minty was educating her on it. Especially given that HIV didn’t discriminate.
Speaking of, I wondered how the dungeon scene had changed in the months since I was diagnosed. I supposed we’d find out tonight. I’d been unsure about attending when I first got theinvitation. I normally ignored them, even before my six-month break from the lifestyle. But, somehow, I thought Minty would enjoy the experience. Or at least be intrigued by it. That’s what I hoped anyway.
Even knowing all of that, anxiety around taking Minty to the dungeon had lingered in my gut from the moment after I mentioned it, when his eyes had lighted with interest. With his trauma, and my persistent insecurity about being enough for him, I wondered if I’d done the right thing even bringing it up. It felt like a damned-if-I-do/damned-if-I-don’t situation, because if I didn’t offer the dungeon experience to Minty, despite my gut feeling it wasn’t a good fit, then he might try to escalate his kink elsewhere…
I shook my head at the stubborn darkness of my thoughts, wanting to embrace the little time we had left with my sister. We needed to get back on the road soon if we were going to have time to prepare for the party. Minty would want to do an enema, just in case.
I swallowed down the strange jealousy that descended at the thought of what “just in case” might mean at a dungeon.
I sighed. I was the Dom. I could wrangle myself and these emotions. Everything would be fine.
When I returned to where they sat, Minty was animatedly telling Betsy about various kinds of salamanders. She sat with her chin in her hands, staring at him like he was an angel come to earth, and listening with all her might.
“So that’s why when I graduate—” Darkness passed over his face. “I mean, if I get to graduate, I want to go into working with river habitats and protections. To save more species of salamander.”
“I want to be a singer in a band,” Betsy said, oblivious to the shadow that had glanced across his features. “But I don’t know if I can. Now I live here, and only Lori knows how to play an instrument. Bassoon.”
“Betsy and the Bassoon would be a cool band name.”
She giggled.
“Hey,” I said, dropping down next to them. “Sorry to interrupt, but Minty and I need to go.”
“Already?” Betsy pouted.
“Sorry. It can’t be helped.”
Her shoulders sagged.
“I’ll be back in a few weeks. And I’ll be able to stay longer then,” I reassured her.
“With Minty?”
I glanced to him. “Maybe.”
She sighed.
“I can come,” Minty said, with a smile. “I don’t have anything better to do right now.”
“What about school?” she asked, tilting her head.
“Eh, who needs it?” He shrugged.
“You do. To become a salamander scientist.”
