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I shook my head. I couldn’t breathe. The walls were closing in on me, and I needed to get out. At just that moment, the skies opened up, and the clatter of rain on the metal roof of the trailer covered up every other sound. I could go out into the bluster, or I could take some kind of refuge inside.
I pulled in a shuddery breath and strode to my old room, the noise from the rain wiping out any protest Mama might have made and blanketing the sound of Luke following, though I felt him behind me keeping pace.
As soon as he had cleared the threshold, I shut the door. Leaning against it, I stared past him at the bed. The sound of the rain came down harder, though it’d been so loud before that it seemed impossible. Perhaps there was hail as well? I didn’t know. I didn’t care.
I was barely there.
Three years ago he’d come back. My father. The monster. The man who’d stolen the innocence from my life. The man who’d mademea monster too. He’d cornered me in this room.
“I sucked him off,” I said, closing my eyes and banging my head back against the door. Self-loathing consumed me. I was in its belly,awash in the acidic horror of my self-hate.
“I can’t hear you,” Luke shouted over the noise from the hail and rain. His eyes were shadowed with dark worry, but he moved closer, pressing against me so that I felt his support physically, holding me up. I sagged against him and let myself feel his heartbeat for a steadying moment.
Then I stood on my tiptoes, pressed my lips to his ear, and I said it louder, “I sucked him off.”
Luke stiffened… but didn’t move away.
“When he found us here, he got me alone in this room, and he told me I’d been right. He couldn’t forget fucking me. He said I’d ruined him. Said it was my fault he’d come harder than he ever had before or since. Said I was a slut and a whore. That he’d made me, and I was his hole to use.”
Luke growled, but said nothing.
“He told me to suck him off. He wanted to see if it was as good as fucking my ass. If I had a talented mouth…”
“Minty…” Luke sounded devastated, the way any normal person would.
“He called out to my mom, ‘Nadine, your son’s a whore,’ because she was there, like I said.”
“Baby…”
“But she stayed in the living room. She didn’t come to see. She didn’t check. She pretended it wasn’t happening.”
Luke’s jaw flexed where he grinded his teeth. His fists balled up, digging into me where he had wrapped his arms around my back, dragging me closer to him, keeping me safe.
“I got down on my knees. Right here. My back to the door like it is now, so she couldn’t come in, even if she tried. So she wouldn’t see…”
I gagged then, the memory filling my mind.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “You’re here. You’re safe with me.”
The hail stopped, and the rain calmed. Luke held me as I sobbed, but I wasn’t done. I had to tell him everything.
“I sucked him off. Gave him the best blow job I knew how to give. He loved it. Grabbed my hair, grunted like a pig the whole time. When he came, I didn’t swallow. I got up on my tiptoes and spit it in his sweaty fucking face. Then I walked out, past my mom sitting on that fucking stained sofa, reading a magazine and listening to music on Walkman headphones.”
“Jesus…”
“She didn’t try to stop me. I got in my truck and drove back to campus. I went straight to a frat house. Got a guy to fuck me and beat me up after. He broke my arm.”
“Baby…”
“So how do I love that about myself, huh? How do I love that part of me, Luke? I wasn’t in danger. He didn’t hold a gun to my head. He didn’t even force me. I did it for the power trip.”
“That’s…you…” Luke couldn’t explain it any more than I could. “You’re the victim, baby. You should never have been in that position. He should never have asked. This is all so fucked up.”
“Yeah. It is. I am.”
We stood there a bit longer. I felt sweaty and sick. Luke was trembling.
“It’s her birthday,” I whispered. “I guess we should go have cake.”
