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Resting with my head against the bars, I sighed. Wow, I wasone fucked-up cookie, and Luke deserved way better than me.
I wished I were more like Peter, or Daniel, or, heck, even Windy.Hewas having fun learning the D/s ropes with Luke’s friend Ryan, and he had no angst about it at all. He just liked making Ryan beg, and Ryan liked begging for him. Why couldn’t my life be that simple? Why couldn’tIhave quaint little sadomasochistic needs?
A fear whispered through my mind:You stupid cunt. Luke didn’t have a family emergency to deal with; he just had to get away from you and your demented, perverted demands.
I stayed in the cage as long as my body would let me, but eventually my aching knees and the anxious gnawing in the pit of my stomach won out. I crawled free. Immediately, loneliness and bitter sorrow washed through me.
I checked my watch to see if Sensei or Sensei Junior might still have a class going, but at nearly ten at night, it was much too late for that.
With trembling hands, I talked myself into doing something I hadn’t allowed myself before: I decided to call Luke. I started toward the stairs, but stopped in my tracks. What if Luke didn’t want to hear from me? No. That was dumb. He loved me. I might not be able to feel it right now, but I knew he did. I knew it like I knew my name was Mitchell.
I love you, Mitchell.
My own voice in my head, and I glanced toward the horse where he’d made me scream those words as he fucked me.
“I love you, Mitchell,” I said aloud, rubbing my hands up and down my arms, the chill of the basement getting to me. Usually when I was down here, everything between us was so heated, I was never cold.
“I love you, Mitchell!” I shouted, trying to make the words sink in like a brand, like they could burn the darkness out of me. I took a deep breath and let loose a scream. It filled the entire space. ThenI tried again. “I love you, Mitchell. For fuck’s sake, you little shit, I love you.”
I started laughing. I was pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to talk to myself like that. If Luke were here, he’d scold me, maybe even whip me, and wouldn’t that be great? I’d get right out of my head—
Wait…
WasI out of my head? Was I losing my actual mind?
Or had I lost it years ago? That day with my father when I’d knelt down and opened my mouth, and—
Fuck.
I wasn’t going to think about it again. I wasn’t.
I knelt on the floor of the basement, pressed my forehead to the cold concrete, and took a deep breath. I let out another scream. Another. And then a third. The sound died out in the room before I sat back on my heels.
“I love you, Mitchell.”
There. It felt a little more real this time.
“I love you.”
I also loved Luke. I loved him beyond what he did for me here in this room and out of it. I loved him for his own sake, and if I wasn’t so caught up in my own feelings all the time, maybe I could be a better boyfriend to him. I was his sub and his boy, but Luke was supposed to belong to me too.
He needed me. And I needed to prove to him, and to myself, that I wasn’t someone he needed to tell to “be good” while he handled grown-up problems. I could support him too.
I looked around the room again, laughing under my breath. I’d literally just put myself in a cage to try to keep myself from making an awful, terrible, bad decision. Was thereanyreason to believe I could truly be the man Luke needed me to be? The kind of man he could depend on when things got hard?
I guessed it was time to find out.
I turned the lights off before heading back upstairs. In thekitchen, I took down the magnet holding up the contact information Luke had given me during his first phone call.
I took a deep breath, got settled in on the sofa, grabbed the aftercare blanket, and gathered my courage. I could do this. I’d be strong for Luke.
I picked up the phone and dialed.
“Hello?”
The woman’s voice sounded distracted but kind. I realized this must be Luke’s mom. Her tone was similar to Betsy’s in a way. It also suddenly hit me that she might not know about me. Luke had never said.
I cleared my throat and asked, “Hello. Is Luke around?”
