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I couldn’t answer becauseIdidn’t even know what I meant. There was just something about Daniel and his perfect face, hisgorgeous body, his wealthy background, and his wholesome life and brand-new perfect love that kept getting under my skin ever since my diagnosis.
Danielwould never turn up HIV positive.Danielused condoms every time he fucked. Even with his precious Peter, probably.
Not that I hadn’t also used condoms every time I’d had sex. At least for the last few years until I got my HIV diagnosis. It’s just that one broke. The wrong one.
Daniel’scondoms would never break. Not that I wanted one to break. I adored him.
God, I was a mess of contradictions these days.
The phone in my room started ringing. I stared at it. Daniel stared at me.
“Aren’t you going to get that?” he asked.
I shrugged.
My answering machine picked up.
You’ve reached the pony-est, golden-est, most sparkling boy in the whole wide world. Me! Leave your name and number, and I’ll think about calling you back. If you’re my type. Ha!
I remembered recording the message. I’d been in a great mood. The first day of the school year. That was before I’d decided to go get myself a horrible diagnosis for my mother’s birthday.
“You haven’t come around.”
It was Kyle. His voice sounded stilted and rough, but beneath it was a vulnerability I was certain only I could pick up.
“I know I was rough last time. Maybe too rough. But you usually like that…”
Daniel’s eyes were glued to my face. I held completely still, going for impassive and unbothered.
“Listen. I’ll go less hard. Not soft. You don’t fucking deserve soft. Besides, I’m no fag…”His breath hitched.“But you are.”The sound of his swallow came through. “Come over. I’ll be around.”
Daniel’s jaw worked.
“But don’t you dare fucking call me and leave any of those goddamn queer messages on my machine like you used to do. It gives people the wrong idea.”
I sighed. Kyle was never going to be happy caught up like he was in what other people thought of him. He liked boy-pussy better than girl-pussy—if he even liked girl-pussy at all—and he needed to accept it.
The way I saw it, in my own way, I’d beenhelpinghim to accept it. I’d beenforcinghim to. Making him admit to himself again and again thatImade him come his brains out, thatImade his knees tremble and his muscles spasm as he shot his load.Me.
Daniel twisted his fingers into the hem of his t-shirt, his knuckles going white as the message went on.
“But get your ass back over here. Or the next time I see you, I’ll remind you why you shouldn’t ignore me.”
Another beat, a strange huff of vulnerable breath, and then a threat:“You have one day.”
The dial tone rang through the room for a long moment after the disconnecting click. My machine switched off.
The tension between me and Daniel, already high, ratcheted up even more. It felt like air was water, and I was pulling it in through my nose by sheer force alone. Daniel gazed at me, full of judgment.
“Minty…” He reached for my hand, and I didn’t let him take it.
I shouldn’t have let him come to my dorm room today. I should have continued to avoid him. I knew my irritation made no sense. Not even two months ago, I’d have beaten up anyone who told me I’d ever feel this way about Daniel.
Despite how grating he was nowadays, I still loved him. I’d once beeninlove with him, back in high school, in another life. He’d been my first love, actually, but he never saw me that way. He’ddated a dreamboat named Kevin back then, and by the timethatended, he’d put me firmly into the box labeled “Friends.” Maybe I never had a chance with him, but now I didn’twanta chance with him, because who could stand all that sheer goodness lying in bed next to them every day?
Peter, apparently. And Peter could have him.
I wanted someone who’d say horrible things to me, spit on me, and fuck me like I was scum beneath their shoes like Kyle did. But I wanted all that and then to be tucked up in bed and held tight. The way Luke had held me after my breakdown.
