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I sighed. “You make me feel like a shit when you put it like that.”
“I’m notmakingyou feel anything,” he said.
Goddamn, he really would make a good Dom.
“Right,” I agreed. “I’m worried I’ll fuck it up. Fuckhimup.”
“Minty’s already fucked up.”
“Yeah, but this is a fine line I’m walking. So fine, it’s nearly invisible. I tip over one way, and I damage him. I tip over the other, and I lose him. He goes back to truly dangerous shit. I don’t know where the bombs are. I hit two of them in our first few scenes together. I’ve never had to call a safe word so soon with anyone—not even when I was the sub—but during our last scene, I did it. I called it myself.”
“Wow.” Barry’s brow wrinkled in concern. “Are you okay?”
I thought about that, really thought about it, as I took another long draw from my beer. “I don’t know. There are things I can relate to with this kid. The fear of our mortality, the need to hurt someone—or in his case, the need to be hurt—and the yearning to say ‘fuck the risks’ to get what we need.”
I paused and pressed my lips together. I didn’t know what Barry would say about this, since he could be a stickler for safety. But what would “being safe” do for me now? Nothing whatsoever. The deal was done.
“I fucked him raw,” I admitted, and waited for the backlash.
“And Minty agreed to that?” Barry laughed, low and rumbly, though not with any sort of amusement. “Why am I asking? Of course he did.”
He let out a longhmmphsound, and then gazed at me knowingly. “There are other STDs, you know.”
“Not from me,” I said. “I’ve been tested and haven’t fucked anyone since Benji months ago. If that changes, I’ll suit up.”
Barry blinked in surprise at that, but didn’t question me. “And Minty? He’s definitely not been celibate.”
“It’s my risk to take.”
Barry shook his head. “With your diagnosis? That’s foolish. You’re willing to risk getting sick for raw sex with a sub?”
“Not a sub,” I corrected. “Thissub.”
“Because he’s positive too.”
“Yes, but also…” I felt my face heating.
I was embarrassed to admit it, but I’d never gone bare as a top with anyone else before him. My HIV infection came from a rare, reckless adventure into bottoming with an untrustworthy top, and goddamn my fucking bad luck. “Look, we’re getting off track now, talking about one kind of risk, when I’m worried about another.”
He motioned at me to get on with it.
I sighed. “I thoughtIwas going into it for the stimulus too. You know? Go in, hurt him, get off on his pain, get out. But…I don’t think that’s what I’m there for anymore.”
“You realized you want the Dom/sub relationship.”
I blinked, admitting, “I don’t want to die without having had that again with someone in my life. And, messed up or not, fucking him raw brings me closer to what I’m looking for in the dynamic.”
“Christ,” Barry said, a hint of fed-up-ness in his tone, but also a note of understanding. He had to understand and relate to wanting more out of his sexual interactions. He loved Robert, after all. But Ialso knew they always used condoms because Robert slept around a lot, and was, so far, negative, and they wanted to keep it that way.
“I get it,” he said, putting his hands up to ward off my defensiveness. “It’s worth it to you because you’re so sure you’re going to get sick and die anyway. So, you’re going to wring every drop of pleasure out of life now. If that’s what you want, why aren’t you shooting up heroin then? Sucking up a line of coke?”
“Because those aren’t my drugs of choice,” I said, calmly. “Believe me, if they were, I would.”
“Your drug of choice is sadism.”
“Yeah. I enjoy hurting people, and then loving them whole. The things they let me do to them make me dizzy. Minty? He’d let me do almostanything.”
“Did he list any boundaries at all?”
