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“What did that accomplish?” Though I already knew the answer, I wanted to hear him say it.
“It was what I deserved.”
“For what?”
He glared at me. “You know for what.”
“For making your daddy want you?”
“Yes, and for before.”
“For making him come and for coming yourself?”
“Yes,” he whispered.
My heart was going wild, but we were in this deep. I had to come out the other side with him. I had to get us both there safely. “And how long do you need to be punished for that?”
He shrugged, and his eyelashes were wet with tears.
“The HIV,” I went on. “Was that another way to get punished, or was it the accident you claim it was?”
“It was an accident,” Minty said, softly. “A broken condom. But I knew the guy was positive when I let him fuck me. Part of me…”
“Don’t stop now. You’re so close,” I said, softly. “Tell me.”
“Part of me thought, ‘if the worst happens, I deserve it.’”
“Oh, baby.”
“I don’t want to die, but I don’t know how to live with this… this thing in me,” he said, rubbing at his chest over his heart, sobs building in his throat. “I want it gone. I want to put it down and walk away from it.”
He pounded his chest. “But it won’t go away. I’ve tried getting high, and having sex, and pretending everything’s fine, and getting hurt, but it keeps on being there inside me.”
“Have you considered loving that part of yourself instead?”
He stared at me.
“If it won’t go away, maybe the thing to do is to hold it closer and love it with all your might.”
He laughed bitterly. “Love the part of me that, what? Egged my father on? Told him I loved it? Said it was the best fuck of my life?”
“Yeah. Love that past version of you. He saved you.”
Minty shook his head. “I hate him. He’s disgusting—and he’s ruined my life. He’s cocaine, and heroin, and every other thing people wreck themselves with. Please. Can’t you just beat him out of me? Please?”
Carefully, I pulled him into my arms. He trembled against me. I whispered, “All right. Why don’t we try doing both?”
He broke down into sobs.
***
Minty
Luke held mewith my head to his chest, letting me hear his heartbeat. I quivered at the warmth and tenderness of his comfort. I wanted to thank him for it, beg him for more, and I also wanted to beg him tonevercomfort me like this when we were in a scene. I shivered in his arms. Was it greedy and impossible to want both?
Luke murmured, “That day, when you could have let him break you, but you didn’t?”
I nodded, tears leaking down my cheeks and wetting his shirt.
