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“I thought you might have met me at the theatre.”
I swallow, beginning to understand just exactly what is going on. He’s jealous. Ben. I frown. He takes a step forward and the front door closes behind him.
“We just.. It was wet. And cold. And I was…. Upset. And—”
“And Matt fixed all that for you, didn’t he? Took you to bed. Made you feel good.”
“He did, but…”
“And you didn’t need me to… neither of you needed…”
I take a step back, shocked at his words. How can he think that?
“You were at work. We weren’t… Ben.” His name comes on a gasp as he steps forward and I see his face in the moonlight coming into the hall through the lounge door. The word cocky pretty much sums him up most of the time, all of the time, but right now, he just looks sad. Defeated. Lonely.
“The two of you could be a couple, you know,” he says.
“I… what?” That’s not what I was expecting him to say. Why is he saying this? Is he considering leaving us? Is that what this is about? “We could but… We’re not. We’re with you. Do you… not want to be with us anymore?” I feel sick. I’m not sure how I managed to force those words out of my mouth.
There’s silence for far too long. He’s just standing there staring at me. The first time I tell a guy, okay, two guys, that I love them and the first thing one of them does is what? Dump me?
“Ben?” Tears are flowing down my face and I’m not sure what to do with them. “I don’t understand. I thought we were all in this together, that you l—”
“Sometimes, it feels like this is all about what you both want. What you both need. And I… I just fill in when it’s convenient.”
“No, that’s not true.” A sob catches in my throat, and I can’t bring myself to move. I look up at him, barely able to see him thorough my tears. “Please, Ben. Tell me what’s wrong. What you want.”
“I want to feel like this… our relationship belongs to me, too. That sometimes I can ask for… demand…” he trails off and I begin to understand.
“I thought you liked what we do?”
“I do, but it’s just…. I want to feel like sometimes, it’s all about me.” He looks down at the hall carpet. “That sounds selfish.”
“No, I’m sorry. You should have said,” I say. “I… I should have realised… I’ll do whatever you want right now,” I promise him. My heart leaps when he smiles and the terrible knot of fear inside me loosens a little.
Then he’s moving towards me and he lifts me up and carries me into the kitchen before perching me on the edge of the kitchen counter. Matt is mixing spoonfuls of almond flour into the batter.
“What are you…?”
“Not now, Matt,” I plead with him as Ben presses his forehead to mine and we look into each other’s eyes. His skin is freezing, damp from the rain, but his breath is warm against my face.
“I love you,” he whispers, and I cling to him, sobbing into his neck. I’m not usually such an emotional mess and I haven’t even told him what prompted me to send the text message in the first place. But I don’t.
For a long moment he doesn’t move, then he lifts one hand and runs his fingers down the side of my face. I can feel how badly he’s trembling and realise just how insecure he’s feeling right now, and I really don’t understand why. And maybe that proves he’s got a point. I tilt my head, pressing my lips to his, and he kisses me. His tongue sweeps into my mouth as he steps between my legs, drawing my body tight in against his.
I return the kiss, spearing my fingers through his hair and trying to stop him from moving away from me. I panic for a moment as he bows his body away from mine without separating our lips, then puts his hands inside my dressing gown and spreads it open. The thin silk slips down over my shoulders, puddling around my hips on the counter, leaving me naked.
“What—”
“For once, Jocelyn, we’re going to do exactly what I want. I don’t want to be with you if I’m always the one on the bottom—”
“But you’re not—”
“It feels like that too often. It’s how things usually are between us and that’s fine, but, tonight… tonight I need to know that sometimes, even if it’s very occasionally, that things can be different. That you really do love me enough to—”
“To let you be in control?” He nods and I smile at him.
I gaze into his eyes, seeing the uncertainty in them for once, and I don’t like it.
