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“Excuse me, we both bought this sofa,” Ben argues.
“And you’re the only one making a mess of it,” I say. “Up!”
He pushes me onto Matt’s lap and stands up, spreading one of the blankets over the seat and sitting down on it. Then he pulls me back across onto his lap and I pull the other blanket over myself, shivering as I snuggle into him. My body’s still in need of the orgasm he failed to give me in the kitchen and I can feel their combined cum on my inner thighs. I wriggle on his lap and nip at his lips.
“Talk first, Jocelyn,” Matt reminds me. “Then we’ll see what happens.
I blink at his choice of words. Usually he’d simply say that we’d fuck or cum or something like that. But this time… This time we’re waiting to see and I don’t want to wait and see. I want it to be a sure thing. I look over at Matt, hoping for reassurance, but all I see in his eyes is doubt.
Ben
I don’t want to do this. Have this conversation, I mean. Matt knows me too well and can see through the jokey exterior to the scared boy beneath the surface. And that goddamn paint. Joss has been remarkably forgiving about the two roles I’ve had since we performed together during the summer. It just so happens that both have involved nudity and October’s show involved simulated sex with another woman. That one was easier, however, as the woman involved was a friend of Joss’s and, more importantly, a lesbian, so that caused very few problems between us.
There are always issues with long-distance relationships, and we’ve been lucky that Joss has been in Edinburgh or Glasgow pretty much every second weekend since she went back to her posh Island Academy in September. We’ve even visited ourselves twice, although both times only for one night, thanks to her and Matt’s mutual friend Rohan owning a cottage on the island, which he let us use both times.
Our relationship isn’t only sexual. If that were the case, then it wouldn’t have lasted. All three of us could find other partners if we wanted to. Matt and I have been a couple for three years and lived together for about two of those. He’s the one with the money, but I contribute where I can, either with cash or doing what I can to help in Amuse-Bouche, his macaron shop. Our relationship isn’t purely sexual either, although I’m not going to deny that it’s a bloody big part of it. We complement each other in the bedroom extremely well, and I particularly appreciate that with him I can be a bottom in the bedroom without him making me feel any less… powerful — I’m not sure that powerful is the right word — in the rest of my life.
He’s a top, a very dominant top, at that. While Jocelyn… there’s no denying that Joss has changed the dynamic between us. Strangely, we’ve become closer and when she’s away at college, I find myself sleeping in Matt’s bed more often than I did in the past. We both have our own bedrooms, while Joss doesn’t. She sleeps in with one or other of us, although she keeps her things in Matt’s room because I’m not the tidiest. Or so she says.
Now I’m wondering if it’s because she likes him better. Do the two of them see me as a third wheel who is just here for some fun at the moment, but at some point won’t be necessary anymore? Alicia wasn’t wrong. Those two could become a real couple at some point. I shake my head,, trying to shake her poison from my thoughts. I have to stop thinking like that, but it’s hard. We have a real relationship. Matt and I have a real relationship, even if it’s one that’s only been recognised and accepted for little more than a decade by the legal system. And yet… and yet, I worry that they’ll realise their lives will be easier, better without me. They can be a nice norml couple, get married, have kids, be invited to all the best dinner parties and not miss me at all.
“Ben?”
Both of them are staring at me, clearly concerned.
“What’s wrong?” Joss says, shifting a little on my lap. But I can’t even begin to think about how to answer her. She slides her hand under the blanket, teasing my nipple for a moment or two, then sliding her hand lower to circle my cock. It hardens in response to her touch and I gasp but I can’t think how else to respond. What if this is the last time she touches me like this?
“Stop, Jocelyn,” Matt says and I turn to him. Does he not even want her to touch me this one last time? Even if he gets to have her all to himself forever more. How is that fair? I clench my fists against the soft blanket Matt made me sit on. “Ben, what are you thinking? You need to tell us. You’re scaring Jocelyn. You’re scaring me.”
“How… how am I scaring you?” I ask, confused.
I look down at Jocelyn and see her eyes are full of tears. I watch as a few brim over and slide down her cheeks. She sits up a little on my lap, pulling away from me, moving towards Matt. So, I was right. I go to stand up again, but Matt’s hand grabs for my shoulder.
“Sit,” he demands. I can’t resist following each and every command he gives me, so I allow myself to be pushed back down. Angry that I can’t even stand up for myself even now. With Matt, I’m always on the bottom. As I am much of the time with Jocelyn, too. No one ever tops Matt. Joss is a switch and while she lets me dominate her sometimes, most of the time she’s the one ordering me around. If they really loved me, surely they would see that I had other needs, too? Needs that even Alicia can see are not being met. I groan and drop my head into my hands, pulling at my hair.
“Ben…” Joss begins.
“You need to start talking, Ben, because Joss needs to know what you think about what she said earlier and the longer it’s taking you to talk, the more and more uncertain she’s getting. Don't you understand that? She thinks you don’t love her back.”
“But…” I stare up at him. She thinks I don’t love her? How can she think that? But when I look at her again, the tears are sliding down her face and she looks so unsure and… Is what Matt said true? Is it my behaviour causing this? But…
“You weren’t talking just to Matt?” It’s little more than a whisper, and honestly, I’m not sure how I got the words out at all in any state.
“It’s a group chat, Ben,” she says, her breath catching on a sob. I look at Matt for reassurance and he nods.
“But I was… I wasn’t here. And the two of you… she was full of your cum… and…”
“As she has been before, and will be again, I’m sure. But she’s also full of yours now, too, Ben. What’s the matter? Please, tell us. Share with us. This won’t work unless we talk.”
“Do you want it to?” I blurt out without fully thinking it through. Jocelyn stiffens in my arms and pushes herself to a sitting position.
“Yes!” She stares up at me, her forehead creased in confusion. “Don’t you?”
I don’t answer.
“What’s the matter, Ben?” she whispers, her teeth worrying at her bottom lip. “When you came in, you said that you loved me. And then you fucked me on the kitchen counter. Were you only saying it so that you could—”
“No!” Oh my god, how can she think that? “I meant it. I love you. I love you both.” I add, turning to look at Matt. “But…”
