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Except I could do something about it, Tuonen thought. But the thought itself was dangerous, because theKillerlingwould come for her if he let her live, not to mention selfish. Yes, he felt Aven had a lot left to live for, but if he let her go back to the Upper World to continue her life, she would leave him.
She will be going to Amaranthus anyway, he reminded himself.She’s going to leave you no matter what. Besides, she is not part of your role here. She is not meant to be yours.
He sighed, rubbing his hand over his jaw. “Do you remember how you died?”
She stared at him, snowflakes gathering in her eyelashes, making her look ethereal. “I didn’t die.”
“Do you remember your last moments?”
She shook her head. “Stop it. I didn’t die. I’m dreaming. This is just a dream.” She raised her arms, the snow melting on them. “See? I’m warm-blooded. The snow melts, and I’m not cold in the slightest. I’m dreaming. IknowI’m just dreaming.”
Tuonen swallowed hard, knowing that the more he asked about how she died, the more she would finally realize the truth. He walked across the boat toward her, and she stiffened at his approach, a trace of fear on her brow.
He reached down and grabbed her by the elbows. Her skin was as warm as she said it was and tantalizingly soft to touch. His eyes closed briefly, taking in the feel of her, and he breathed deep, his nose filling with her floral scent, so unlike the stark white world around them. She smelled like spring, like everything he wasn’t. She was life, he was death.
He pulled her to her feet and held her in place as he peered down at her. She stared up at him with round eyes and took in a shaking breath. “How did you die, Aven?” he asked.
She worried her lip between her teeth. He wondered what she tasted like—another reason he needed her to accept her death. “I didn’t die.”
“How did you die?”
She shook her head. “No. Stop saying that. I’m alive. I’m in bed, I’m at home, I’m dreaming.”
“What did you do before you went to bed? Tell me.”
“I…I…” She trailed off, looking away in frantic thought. “I was crossing the road…”
Now they were getting somewhere. “You were crossing the road?”
The line between her brows deepened. “I was crossing the road, heading toward work,” she said in a faint voice. “There was a potential adopter coming to see one of the senior pit bulls we had, Aria. The sweetest dog. I had worked for so long to get Aria adopted, and finally, someone had seen her pictures and fallen in love. I was so happy; the poor old girl was finally going to get a home. Then…”
“Then?” he pressed, squeezing her arms lightly.
“Then I…I crossed the road. And then I was here…”
“Something happened to you in the middle. What was it?”
She swallowed audibly, tears starting to well in her eyes. “I don’t want to know,” she whispered. “I don’t want to think about it.”
He felt bad but he pressed on. “You were crossing the road. Which road?”
“Shoreditch High Street,” she said.
Then, her eyes grew wider, and tears flowed down her cheeks like a river spilling over its banks. “I was crossing the street, andI heard the horn. It came from nowhere. I remember the bus driver’s face and…”
And just like that, Aven remembered her death.
She crumbled into Tuonen’s arms, the realization overwhelming.
Tuonen was surprised at first, at the way Aven fell into him, like he was seeing the life drained out of her in that moment. But then his arms went around her, and he held her tight, feeling every emotion roll out of her and soak into him.
This had never happened before. He’d never seen any of the dead cry over their own death or at being in the afterlife. Then again, none of them fought against the very notion of their death as hard as Aven did.
“I’m dead,” she wailed, sobbing uncontrollably. “I’m dead.”
“It’s okay,” he said to her, his voice shaking slightly, unnerved by her emotion. “You will adjust quickly. Everyone does.”
“No!” she cried out into his coat. “I will not adjust. I can’t die. I can’t.” She looked up at him, the sorrow on her face breaking his heart. “My parents. My mother, my father. My friends. The dogs. I can’t leave any of them, don’t you understand? They need me. I need them. I can’t let them go. I can’t leave them in the world without me.”
